Many happy jokes, classic quotations, humorous short messages, cold jokes, funny and embarrassing stories, where are the funny videos?

1. The second brother in our dormitory is a very devoted person, including sleeping ... One night, everyone slept for a long time, and suddenly the second brother fell out of bed and everyone woke up. But they didn't bother to open their eyes for about five minutes. Just when everyone was about to fall asleep again, I heard my second brother get up from the ground. Shout: Damn it, I fell down. ...

Snow White escaped from the palace and came to the forest. She saw a small room with seven small beds. Snow White lay down and fell asleep. Seven little people came back in the evening, and Snow White said, "You are the seven dwarfs I shot." The seven men looked at each other and said, "You're in the wrong place. We are cucurbits. "

3. There are still 100 days, dear! There are 100 days of pure freshman girls coming! There is also a 100 day sophomore discount promotion, dear! There is also a 100-day schoolmate who will buy one for free, dear! There's still 100 day old woman coming off the shelf ~ dear ~! Hang in there ~ honey ~

4. The Sixth National Census Office counted the funniest names in China: Liu Chan, Lai (still male), Fan Jian, Ji, Xia, Zhu Yiqun, (thanks to his parents' imagination), Pang Guang, Du Qiyan, Wei, Jiao Hougen, Shen Jingbing and Du Ziteng. First place: stone.

I just look at the ceiling at night, and then I count my fingers and predict that a terrible thing will happen in a few hours-I will be late for work again!

6. I especially want to praise myself when I get off work every day: awesome! It's another fucking day!

7. You are fat, and your man's love for you has not changed, but the average love for each piece of meat is less. ...

8. At 4 o'clock in the middle of the night, my friend called and said, "Well, I just saw one of your missed calls on my mobile phone last year, so I'm calling to ask you what you want?" I was speechless at once. ...

9. See a girl's signature: When you hold out your index finger to accuse others, please don't forget that the other four fingers are pointing at yourself. -Girl, this is really good! How profound! How philosophical! I'm just curious. How long do you think your thumb is?

10.20 12 The finalists from China are: South Korea, Philippines, North Korea and Japan.

1 1. Gongsun Ce loves to lick his pen when he writes, and licked his mouth black in one day.

Zhan Zhao: Mr. Gongsun, there's something I don't know if I should ask.

Gongsun Ce: You ask!

Zhan Zhao: Did you just kiss an adult?

Gongsun Ce: …

12. female: you should be kind to me, or I will be jealous ... male: you are not beautiful, smart, hardworking and don't care what you eat. Are you sure you left the wall? Is there anyone on the other side of the wall?

13. 1987 Philippine president's visit to China "at least geographically, those islands are closer to the Philippines." XXX took a deep breath of his cigarette and said, "We will fight once when you move, once when you move, once when you move, once when you move, once when you move, once when you move, once when you move, once when you move. The boundless horizon is my love ... "

14. summary of the work of the Ministry of foreign affairs of China for one week: expressing dissatisfaction on Monday; Protest on Tuesday; Strongly condemned on Wednesday; Solemn representations on Thursday; I'm sorry about Friday. Rest on Saturday and Sunday. Organize suburban activities on holidays: go to North Korea to transplant rice seedlings. ...

15. China on the tip of the tongue Part II: Winter is coming. When Nanjing people in the southeast of China used blue alum to keep leeks fresh, Fucheng people in Hebei Province on the North China Plain were busy making old leather shoes into capsules. Not far from Shijiazhuang, people use Sudan red to process red heart duck eggs. Shandong people like to add formaldehyde to cabbage, while Liaoning people like to add some sodium nitrite to bean sprouts. Across the country, delicious waste oil is sweeping across the land of China.

16 someone asked: "if someone in Taiwan Province province confidently said,' I'm from Taiwan Province province, not China'." What would you say? Answer: "You speak more forcefully, and everyone is from Taiwan Province Province!"

17. Three things for township cadres: eating, taking and having an abortion; Three things for county-level cadres: selling land, maintaining stability and collecting some money; The province manages cadres in three ways: speaking, investigating and doing. People do three things: pay, work hard and be in a daze.

18. Degang Guo: "the Monkey King is both stupid and naive. He is a monkey and will never be a man. He was guarding the flat peach garden, and the seven fairies came to pick peaches. He shouted, "All seven fairies are here. "He turned to pick peaches! It can be seen that monkeys are monkeys! " Yu Qian: "What if it's you?" Degang Guo: "I have to get a basket."

19. The customer specially invited me to dinner today to express his thanks. A year ago, the client's mistress was getting older and older, and she failed to claim tens of millions of compensation for forced marriage. I suggest the client send her to a high-end EMBA. He spent 600 thousand to send her to school. She suddenly became a heartthrob in her class. I neglected my client in less than two months. In fact, it was inspired by Zhao Shiceng, a Hong Kong playboy. He said that if you want to dump a woman easily, you should introduce her to a better man than yourself.

20. Confess to the goddess who has been secretly in love for a long time. Goddess: I like being alone. Me: Who? Goddess: I like being alone! Me: Who is it? Goddess: I like being alone! ! ! Me: Who is it? ! Goddess: I like being single! ! !

20 hilarious jokes will be popular in May: Gan Lulu will never show it again after reading it!

1. Idle egg hurts at night and gives a lesbian information about the incident. I wrote: Are you busy? I have opened a room and will wait for you! She replied: Don't be ridiculous. I replied: really, everyone says you are good at technology, and I want to try it for real. She replied: Where are you? I'm going back: Happy Landlord, Room 22, Zone 1 12, come quickly. She replied, get out ...

Several students got up late on the day of the exam. They lied that the bus had a flat tire, so they missed the exam. The professor agreed to make-up exams and arrange them in different examination rooms. There is only one question in the test paper: "Which wheel is leaking?"

3. Husband: How many blessings have I received in my last life to find such a good wife! Wife: You didn't fix it, I did! Husband: .....

4. The teacher said, "Daxiong, the teacher gave you 90 yuan, and then you borrowed 10 yuan from Pang Hu, so how much money do you have in total?" Nobita said, "0 yuan." The teacher said, "You don't know math at all!" Nobita said, "You don't know Pang Hu at all! ! "

Grandpa KFC said to Uncle McDonald: The most romantic thing I can think of is always appearing within 300 meters around you, silently watching you, and then selling your chicken wings for one yuan more than you. This is love!

6。 A boy said to a girl, "shall I chase you?" The girl blushed and said shyly, "Bah ~ ~ OK ..." The boy said happily, "Then run!"

7. 127 Road-Forum users found that Conan, a famous detective who has been paying attention for more than ten years, only noticed today that the Japanese pronunciation of "I am Kudou Shinichi" turned out to be: O Leiwa drum washing machine ~ ~ ~

8. "Tao can be Tao and it is extraordinary. What you pursue, care about and insist on in your heart is your Tao. Some people have been obsessed with it all their lives, and it is infatuation that is cultivated; Some people are filial, and they are also filial; Some people are addicted to killing and it is a way of killing. " Lao Tzu turned to a teenager and asked him, "What do you pursue, teenager?" "admitted to a book." "That's a book!" Lao Tzu said kindly.

9. A secret has been discovered. In order to make China never compete with it for hegemony, the United States hired a large number of people to flatter and deliberately make China backward, which made China unable to become a country ruled by law, democracy and freedom in the political system for a long time, with unclear economic property rights and cultural arrogance and indulgence. An ironclad proof is that these people who are called fifty cents have a headquarters in the United States called the Pentagon.

10. Reading comics in self-study at night has become a fashion. One day when I was studying physics at night, the teacher drooled on the stage and suddenly rushed to the MM in the back row of me. The comic books in MM physics books were confiscated on the spot, and the children's shoes in the class were shocked, exclaiming that the teacher had cultivated perspective eyes. Who knows the teacher said on the spot: "I want to cry when I read a physics book, but you laugh while reading it!" " 」

1 1. There is a very tall coconut tree. There are four kinds of animals, namely orangutans, apes, monkeys and king kong. Who do you think will pick bananas first? Test your character. The answer is: 1, monkey, which is the most typical 250; 2. Orangutans have low intelligence and few tendons; 3. Ape is the predecessor of Alzheimer's Harmo's disease; 4. King Kong is a fool with his head caught in the door. Have you ever seen a coconut tree grow bananas?

12. A gluttonous guest posted that a very serious friend once found an unknown black object while eating noodles in the canteen, so he told the canteen master that he was scolded, so the friend silently bought a bowl of noodles every day, ate it quickly, and then spit it out in public ... Three days later, the noodles in the canteen could not be sold out, so the canteen master knelt down and begged on the fourth day.

13. A couple went to Century Park by subway. After leaving the station, they argued about which entrance was nearby. Boyfriend insists on entrance 1, and girlfriend insists on entrance 2. As a result, the boyfriend had no choice but to turn to the staff at the information desk. Aunt looked at the boy and only said: If you want to go to Century Park, you should take Gate 1, and if you want to find a girlfriend, you should take Gate 2.

14. Look at the hairstyle, look at the nose in the middle, look at the face with bangs, look at the temperament with oblique bangs, look at the facial features without bangs ... and I ... am suitable for masking!

15. A beautiful woman saw an ultra-low-cut evening dress in Chanel and tried it on immediately. When she came out, she asked the shopkeeper, boss, is this dress too low-cut? Boss: Excuse me, Miss, do you have chest hair? The beauty said angrily, What are you talking about? Why do people have chest hair? Boss: That's really too low.

16. In the history class, the teacher asked my deskmate, "Who is the king of the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom?" I'm at a loss at my deskmate. I whispered below, "Shi Dakai, Shi Dakai. . 。” He looked puzzled and said, "Really ... 18?" "The whole class laughed, and the teacher looked at him and said," It's 24 ... "

17. Yesterday, my colleague bought a BMW X6, which made other colleagues envious. It has a beautiful appearance, fine workmanship and sufficient horsepower, but it has one disadvantage, that is, the battery is not strong. ...

18. A buddy invited me to drink, and everyone drank too much. He insisted on taking a taxi to take me home. Holding the pull ring on the co-pilot door all the time in the car, I walked to a downtown area and said to the driver, master, slow down, it's too fast, I feel bad. The driver replied helplessly: traffic jam, brother!

19. While eating, my son suddenly left the table and ran to the mirror, pointing at his teeth and nagging angrily. When I asked him why, my son smiled and said, "My tongue was bitten by my teeth, and I was criticizing it!" " "

20. I just went to the library and climbed up in the dark corridor. By the side light, I saw a white boy walking beside me. I deliberately went to the middle to get in his way. He said that my classmate was embarrassed to give way, so I didn't move and continued to block his way. He paused and said that his senior had lent it to me. I was very unhappy and thought, am I so old? So I turned around and said to him with a strange smile, can you see me? He froze for a few seconds, then jumped and ran away. ...

Laugh and get angry! How many people fantasize that everyone in China can get rich by giving him a dime?

1. A male classmate sent a status: "My brother's smile is less than Baidu." The next comment is: "Well, sogou can."

The furthest distance in the world is not the distance between life and death. It's that I'm standing next to you and you're playing with your fucking cell phone.

I don't know much about QQ. In a chat, a netizen asked me: How to upgrade QQ? I don't know how to pretend to understand. A: Please uninstall this old one first, and then I'll tell you how to do it! So, half a minute later, the netizen's head turned gray. Since then, this person has disappeared. ...

The girl in the dormitory is usually an idiot. Once, the elder sister drank water with a cup, and then she watched the whole glass of water spill on her. Everyone wants to know what happened to her. She said calmly: nothing, I forgot to open my mouth when drinking water.

The third computer in the dormitory always crashes, and the sixth computer asks, "Are you completely dead?" The third answer: "not completely, but especially annoying." Old six: "buy a big plastic bag and put the computer in it to suffocate!" " The second child will not say: "Does Nima need a plastic bag? How cool it is to drown directly in the water! !

6. After ten years of life and death, Android prospered and Saipan died. The low-end market is bleak. Even if you don't know when to meet, you will die, Apple King. Motorcycle Samsung suddenly returned to China and competed for the low end. It was really lively. ZTE pro, Huawei New, Meizu Strong Innovation. Htc is out of the plane, and the girder is changed every day. The mobile phone industry is fickle, and everyone is busy changing careers. There are thousands of tears of Qian Qian in the cottage.

7. When the teacher criticizes the partiality, he always takes the wooden bucket as an example and talks about the short board principle or something. But ... can't you hold the bucket sideways? Obviously more talented in some ways, but not biased in that direction.

8。 Xiao Ming, a floating spring, heard that it is easy to date by installing some kind of software on his mobile phone, but no matter how he strikes up a conversation after installation, he can't date his sister. So he had a brainwave and changed his gender to female, accompanied by photos of hot girls, and observed how other men accosted him, so as to learn from his experience. A week later ... he checked in with another person.

9. "You told this house about the night of the murder!" "Bao's adult, that night, it was dark all around, and the waning moon was hanging in the sky ..." "How dare you defy this house and slander the court! Come on, drag it out and play twenty boards! "

10. Little sunflower mother started her class. The child always has a bad cough. Most of them don't want to go to school to pretend. Just having a meal.

1 1. Living in this Tetris building is really annoying-just after someone moved into the empty room next door, the whole floor suddenly disappeared!

12. Q; What happens in the brain whenever a fly rubs its hands there? The netizen answered; It's singing sorry, sorry, sorry. .

13. A greedy netizen went to a restaurant for lunch and glanced at the next table. Facing the delicious food, people sit at the table and pray with their hands on their chests. They think they have a religious meeting. Looking closely, they found that everyone at your sister's table was typing with both hands. It is estimated that it will be sent to Weibo after taking photos. ......

14. Gao Fushuai: Mr. Right; Diaosi: Mr. Right Hand

15. After reading the list of writers who plagiarized their speeches at 100, a netizen said with relief: Fortunately, I didn't see Shi Tiesheng. . .

16. Eight episodes of the documentary "Chemistry on the Tip of the Tongue" are being prepared: the first episode "Gifts from the Chemical Industry", the second episode "The Story of Poisoned Rice and Poisoned Milk Powder", the third episode "Eating the Periodic Table of Elements", the fourth episode "The Taste of Leather Shoes", the fifth episode "The Secret of Waste Oil Workshop", the sixth episode "Excessive Pesticides" and the seventh episode.

17. Someone on Taotie.com asked, "If people in Taiwan Province province confidently say,' I'm from Taiwan Province province, not China'." What would you say? Answer: "You are more powerful, everyone is from Taiwan Province Province!" "

18. How many people ever imagined that China people could get rich by donating one yuan each?

19. Girls often say that men have no good things. So when a girl tells you "you are a good man", you are basically hopeless, because you have officially withdrawn from the ranks of men in her mind, thus losing the possibility of further development. Only when a girl says to you, "You are a dead fool" can you play.

20. In order to verify whether my dad really quit smoking as he said, I left the gas on when I went out this morning …