Who can tell me some super funny jokes? Urgent!

(1) Chinese in primary schools is too difficult now. Look at one of their homework questions:

Requirements: Connect the following four sentences with related words:

1, sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture. (Note: The correct answer should be: Sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed, but she studies doggedly, not only learning many foreign languages, but also learning acupuncture. )

As a result, one child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed despite her tenacious study of acupuncture and many foreign languages.

Later, found more fierce children wrote:

Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed.

Sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed, because she studies hard, not only learning a lot of foreign languages, but also learning acupuncture.

Sister Zhang Haidi studied very tenaciously, not only learned a lot of foreign languages and acupuncture, but also learned paralysis at last.

Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages and acupuncture, and was paralyzed by tenacious study.

Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages and acupuncture through tenacious study, and as a result, she paralyzed herself according to a foreign language version of acupuncture book

(2) The strongest history lesson in history is like this ~ ~ ~

In the history class of a famous university, the professor is asking students from all over the world: "to be or not to be?" Who is this famous saying from? "

After a long silence, Gutian stood up and said, "william shakespeare."

"Very well, who is called the conscience of Europe?

"romain rolland"

"Either give me freedom or let me die. Who did this famous saying first come from? "

"1775, Butrick Henry said."

"Very well, then, who said' by the people, by the people and for the people'?"

"1863, abraham lincoln said."

"Exactly, classmate. It was a Japanese student who answered the question just now, but as a student from a European country, he couldn't answer it. It's a pity. " The professor said with emotion.

"Fuck Japan!" Suddenly someone gave a cry.

"who! Who said that! " The professor's voice trembled with anger.

"1945, President Truman said." John stood up.

"What do you think you are doing?" The professor said angrily.

"Madonna said it." Jack also stood up.

"This is really disgusting, and it is simply lawless." The professor trembled with anger.

"At 199 1, when Bush met with the Japanese Prime Minister, he said," Stephen couldn't sit still either.

The class immediately fell into chaos, and all the students began to talk about it. Some students began to hiss: "Yeah! Really strong. "

"Clinton told Lewinsky." Mary answered without expression.

The whole class was in chaos, and some students shouted at Gutian: "You are soaking shit, and I will kill you if you dare to speak again."

"200 1, Gary condit told Revy. (Note: White House intern Revy was murdered in Washington on 200 1. His ex-boyfriend, Democrat condit, was arrested as a suspect)

The professor was too angry to speak. After a while, he strode to the door. At the door, he gave everyone a cold look: "I'll be back."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger said." Bob finally cut in.

Gutian wronged a stand hand: "I didn't do anything bad, why?" "

"Leslie Cheung said Lee Hyo Ri a face of worship to answer.

All the students were in a circle, and Tom was a little dejected and despondent: "Damn it, we are finished."

"Hitler said." Hannova answered at once.

A student said, "We are in big trouble this time."

"In 2002, arthur anderson said," Jane replied.

(Note: Arthur Anderson, one of the top five accounting firms in the United States, went bankrupt in 2002 due to the Enron scandal.)

Wright sighed: "Today will be a very meaningful day."

"Ben. * * * said. " Chris is finally proud that he can say a name.

"This is by no means my proudest day." Gutian said with shame.

"Tony Blair said." I don't know who is answering.

At this moment, the headmaster and the professor came in together. His face was livid and he said almost word for word, "You will pay for this!" " "

"Stalin said." The whole class answered in unison.

1 Topic: What would you say if you saw Meng Po at Naiheqiao after your death and gave you Meng Po Tang?

Don't let me forget my family, okay?

B: No coriander and chopped green onion, thanks!

2

The teacher asked Xiaoming, "Is there any way to protect the environment from being cut down?"

Xiao Ming replied: "If you send a piece of paper less every day, there will be no killing without buying and selling."

three

The master of the canteen is probably lovelorn, because I found that the newly changed menu has a different scenery:

Charming lotus root slices, heartbroken people patting cucumbers, chubby face lifting, reminiscing about lentils, dim bean curd, pure moo Shu pork.

four

I am playing checkers with my 5-year-old daughter. The cell phone rang. When I saw the number, it was my friend Lao Hou, so I said hello: "Hello, Brother Hou!" " "I chatted with him enthusiastically.

At this moment, my daughter came running and stared at me reverently without saying a word.

After chatting with Lao Hou, I put down the phone and asked my daughter, "What's the matter with you? Why are you looking at me like that? "

The daughter whispered, "Dad, how did you and the Monkey King meet?"

five

Why did I put my phone in flight mode, throw it downstairs or break it?

A: Because you didn't adjust to the landing mode when the phone was grounded.

six

The captain flattered the new flight attendant: "Ask each other questions, you won't, you give me 5 dollars;" I won't. I'll give you $65,438+000. "

The stewardess said, "OK."

The captain asked, "What is the cruising speed of the 747?"

The stewardess lost 5 dollars.

It's the flight attendant's turn to ask, "What are three eyes, six noses, nine legs and a tail?"

The captain paid the stewardess 100 dollars.

The captain asked unconvinced, "What's the answer?"

The stewardess gave the captain another $5.

seven

Today, on a date with my boyfriend, he texted me: "I'll be there in 5 minutes." If not, please read this message again ... "

eight

A science student cursed: "You are simply the solution set of X+2 > 4!" It took me a long time to realize that the answer is "2 to positive infinity"

One day, Xiaozhen's mother saw Xiaozhen's father rummaging through things.

He asked Xiaozhen, "What is your father looking for?"

Xiaozhen said doubtfully, "I don't know. Maybe I'm looking for you, or maybe I'm looking for grandma."

Mom is very confused.

Xiaozhen went on to say, "because he said grandma's while looking, it's really fucking hard to find."

Everyone knows that 10 IT people work overtime every day, it is normal to stay up late, and it is even more impossible to rest. One weekend, everyone was busy all morning. At eleven o'clock, a colleague suddenly got up, dropped a word and rushed out. He said: You are busy. I'll be back when I get married. . .

A young man sat at the door of the bird's nest, looking depressed.

The policeman came over and asked, "Didn't you get the ticket for Rolling Stone for 30 years today?" The young man took out two tickets. The policeman was surprised and asked him why he didn't go in.

The young man said, "I want to call the girl I secretly love." The girl asked what concert it was, but as soon as I said' get out', the phone died. "

12 The boss asked me, "Can you come to work this Saturday? I know you like to play on weekends, but I really need you here. "

"Yes, no problem. But as you know, the bus on the weekend is so bad that it is estimated to be a little late. "

"Well, when do you think you can come?"

"Monday."

13

Husband asked: What should I do if I am going to have an affair?

The wife smiled: I am very gentle, and I will maim you at most, but I won't kill you!

The husband was moved and said, that's very kind of you!

The wife smiled and said, if we can't be husband and wife, we can still be sisters!

14

A dating website has a quiz question: If a poor boy pretends to be rich and falls in love with you, how will you react when you find out? 90% of the candidates: Resolutely sever the relationship, honesty is one of the most important qualities.

A month later, the website asked another question: If a rich man pretends to be poor and falls in love with you, how will you react when you find out? 90% of candidates: continue dating. I love his people, not his money.

Xiaoming's father hit him twice yesterday. Xiaoming was first seen by his father holding a test paper with only 20 points. Then I beat him up. Later, Xiaoming's father found that the paper belonged to him when he was a child, so he beat Xiaoming again. ...

16 One day, a friend went to the supermarket, and he was robbed with a knife on his way home. He calmly looked at the knife in the young man's hand and took out the watermelon knife he had just bought from his bag. ...

My friend said that he could never forget the young man's face when he saw the watermelon knife. ...

17 a classmate wrote in an exam: Qian Shan Wanshui is always in love, can you give some points?

The teacher took it seriously and replied: there is love in the world, and giving 0 points is also love.

18 A classmate went to the toilet and accidentally dropped his mobile phone while playing with it.

Then, I went back and got a pair of chopsticks and took them out. Just as he was about to fish with chopsticks, a buddy went into the toilet.

Seeing this scene, the man asked with concern, "Dude, you haven't eaten yet."

19 q: what is the most self-deceiving thing in the world?

A: I have read the first step of website registration and agree to accept the above terms.

I remember this year's Lantern Festival, someone sent a picture.

There are six glutinous rice balls in the bowl, which are written respectively: making a fortune, happiness, success, wishful thinking, health and happiness.

It's a pity that such a good thing is ruined.

You're walking down the road,

A bitch jumped on you and bit off a piece of meat from your foot.

Swallow it quickly,

When you put your foot out to kick it,

The dog said with tears in his eyes, you can fight. Anyway, I already have your flesh and blood in my belly!

Yesterday, I dreamed of God and said that I could have a wish.

I took out my globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult to change. Let's have one.

I took out your photo and said, I want this person to be beautiful. He pondered and said, "I'm going to see the globe."

On March 24th, my daughter went home, grabbed her father, sat on the sofa and turned on the TV. Then she said to her mother, "Mom, today is a festival for me and my father. You cook! "

Mom was surprised: "Whose festival?"

"My father and I! March 8th Father-Daughter Festival! " The daughter announced loudly.

Woman: "The happiest moment of the day is when you take me to the corner to eat braised pork rice by bike after work."

Man: "To tell the truth."

Woman: "You take me to eat braised pork rice by bike."

Man: "To tell the truth."

Female: "Braised pork rice ..."

30

The company has a new batch of employees, and there is only one problem: 1+ 1=?

The personnel department's answer is this:

Walk into the technical department with an answer equal to 2,

If the answer is greater than 2,

If the answer is less than 2, enter the finance department.

If you don't answer anything, go to the office.

If you get an SB on this issue, you won't be hired.

3 1

Q: Looking for a costume TV series. The story is that the hero falls into a cave and eats mushrooms. His martial arts are very powerful!

Some people say it's Jin Jian Diaoling, others say it's The Condor Heroes.

The last person replied: Super Mary!

32

Physical examination in the morning, need to draw blood.

The nurse who took the first injection said that I was too fat to find blood vessels.

The nurse who received the second injection said that my skin was too thick to penetrate.

The nurse who received the third injection said that the first two nurses were new here.

33

When my brother was two, I was eight. Play games with him at home.

I said, "Let's play mushroom picking. I dress up as a mushroom and you pick it. " My brother agreed happily.

So I put on a quilt and wrapped myself into a big mushroom. My brother came over and stepped on my head.

34

When the college entrance examination results came out, the teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said to me, "In fact, it is a kind of happiness for you and the university."

My classmate and her friend went to eat pizza, and when my classmate paid the bill,

Just after giving the money to the waiter, a boy suddenly called me over.

Then robbed the waiter of 100.

Put it in your wallet, then take out 100 yuan from your wallet and pay the bill.

The whole movement is called fluency, leaving a row of girls behind.

One day, three people were sent to the funeral home. Strangely, their smiles after death are all political. Ice said: It's a long story ... Look at the man on the left ... He and his wife are in the spring night ... at the most passionate moment ... He can't stand it ... The librarian replied: Alas ... I'd rather die in the flowers ... Being a ghost is also very romantic. Policeman: The one in the middle ... Oh, he ... is really a human tragedy ... He was walking on the road ... Suddenly, he heard that he won the lottery ... the prize was over 700 million yuan ... When he was laughing happily ... he was hit by an oncoming car ... and then died ... Policeman: ... It's a pity that this one died ... He was struck by lightning while climbing a tree. The administrator replied: ... this is a bit wrong. Why did he laugh when he was struck by lightning? ... the policeman said: because he thought ... after climbing the tree, suddenly a flash of lightning ... he thought. .........

4 1 When I was at school, a phone call came for me one day. My classmate answered, handed it to me and said, "Your mother wants you." As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said "men and women" Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years. ...

Forty nine

1, the red chamber: most of them are women; Water Margin: Most of them are men;

Westward Journey: Most of them are not people; Three Kingdoms: Most of them are people.

2. The Red Mansion: Shantou has a thick skin; Water Margin: The imperial court is cheeky;

Three kingdoms: the military adviser is thick-skinned; Westward Journey: Immortals are thick-skinned.

3. Westward Journey: Monkey saves me; The Red Chamber: Sister saves me;

Water Margin: Uncle saves me; Three kingdoms: strategist, help me! !

50

A teacher said to his classmates, "Do you think you are stupid? Please stand up. "

After a few minutes of silence, a boy stood up slowly.

The teacher said, "What, do you think you are stupid?"

The boy replied, "No, teacher, I can't bear to stand alone ..."

My sister enrolled her six-year-old son in many weekend classes.

The day before yesterday, my nephew didn't want to go. He cried and said to me, "Auntie, I think my life is just underpants."

I asked, "Why?"

He said, "I have to take whatever my mother farts."

Fill a big jar with coke and put a mouse in the jar. Soon, the mouse died.

Experts believe that there is an ingredient in cola that can kill mice, but what is it? Is it harmful for people to drink?

After three years of careful research, a lot of manpower, material resources and financial resources have been spent, and after hundreds of verifications and discussions, a conclusion has finally been reached:

Too much coke drowned the mouse!