Interesting help SMS template

4. In Chinese class, the teacher said, "Jin Ping Mei is a masterpiece in the history of China literature, and only professors can borrow it from the library ~" At this time, a classmate disdained, "Who said that? My family has it, and it's a VCD version! "

My 7-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me and said, "Aunt, why are your breasts so small?" I sweated wildly: "Not small, how small!" My little niece gave me a pitiful look and said, "Nothing, mine is very small ~"

I went out for dinner with my new girlfriend last night, and suddenly I found that I forgot my wallet when I was eating. Because I just met, I was embarrassed to ask for it, so I blushed and said hesitantly, "I …" Then something unexpected happened! She was wrong and blushed and said shyly, "I love you too ..."

8. When a freshman started military training, a boy tried very hard to play military boxing. The instructor said, "Look at how well others play military boxing. Let's learn from him! At this moment, I only heard the student scold: "Shit! Why is this booger so sticky! "

11.In 2008, the Japanese army raided Shanghai and took China by surprise! After landing, the Japanese army captured 10,000 people in the People's Square, and then shouted with a megaphone: "Say party member inside and let you go!" At this time, everyone pointed to a real estate agent and shouted, "That's him!" "

15. The philosophy teacher is a young girl. After the first class, she asked everyone to write some thoughts. A friend left a motto: A woman who is engaged in philosophy is like mixing water and wine, and destroying two beautiful things at the same time ... (I love Nankai)

2 1. I bought eggs for breakfast, which are too small to be satisfied. I scolded casually: shameless!

The waiter was dissatisfied when he heard it: Who are you scolding?

Me: hen! This cargo and quail fell in love and gave birth to you nakano!

22. Me: Excuse me, are you the legendary princess of iron fan?

W: Why do you say that?

Me: because ... because ... because I think only Niu Wangmo can match your looks!

Female:-_-! !

29. A high school classmate invited me to his wedding, because I had to go home, so I replied, "I'm busy with worldly things recently! I'm sorry I can't attend. Ok, I will definitely attend next time! "

33. Some sweet potato leaves have been planted at home for a week. I just watered it tonight, and my mother watered it again. I stepped forward to stop, only to hear my mother keep saying, "I'm going to eat you tomorrow, so feed yourself today ..."

38. Classmate: "How much is 2 (air conditioning)?"

Operator: "4799."

Classmate: "What about 1.5?"

Operator: "2500."

Classmate: "Oh, what about Chunlan?"

The operator resisted for a long time and said, "I'm sorry, this is Haier's monopoly!" " ! "

4 1. In the train compartment, a little girl pulled a suitcase to my feet. She looked back at me. Of course, I was going to hear "I'm sorry", but the little girl said, "Bah! Luo is dead ~ "

43. When several people in the dormitory were discussing job hunting at night, they found that every good company has requirements for oral English, but everyone's oral English is not good, so in order to improve their oral English, everyone agreed to chat in English at night from now on. As a result, no one spoke that night ...

45. A student played a trick on a stuttering child: "If you get out of the way, I'll buy you a bag of melon seeds to eat!"

Stuttering child: "Even if you buy me ten bags of melons … melons … melon seeds, I won't bark like a duck!" " ! ! "

46. Senior three Chinese practice couplets: the morning glow welcomes the rising sun, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

Buddies are the most ruthless: the morning glow welcomes the morning sun, and Theory of Three Represents warms the world! (The political teacher was moved to tears on the spot ...)

60. I was poor at math in primary school. I remember that one day the math teacher assigned homework, and there was a question that was 3 to the second power. I thought it was 3×2, so I wrote 6 with a stroke of a pen, and the result can be imagined. When I handed out my homework the next day, the teacher approved a red cross for me to correct, but I really couldn't figure out what was wrong, so I wrote the answer 6 when I corrected it, and the teacher gave me a red cross mercilessly. After going back and forth three or four times, the teacher finally couldn't stand it. He called me to my office and repeatedly explained to me, "How many times does a number multiply itself?"? For example, the quadratic of 3 is 3×3, and the cubic of 3 is 3×3×3. "I will never forget it! Later, in the final exam, there was a fill-in-the-blank question like this: the hundredth power of 1 is equal to (). I remembered what the teacher usually taught me. Do you think the teacher is too cruel? But it didn't beat me. I took out a piece of toilet paper and copied it over and over again ... When I finally read the 83rd time, the math teacher came over. He stood behind me and saw that I was seriously multiplying 1 by 1. Seeing that things were done, he quickly stepped onto the platform and said, "Students, there is a wrong question. Now correct it, that 65438. ""I was shocked and immediately fainted. ...

7 1. A Japanese worked hard for more than half a month and finally rowed from Japan Island to Diaoyu Island. When he was in tears, he took out his mobile phone with trembling hands and prepared to declare Guinness World Records. As a result, he turned on his mobile phone, which read: China, China, China and Japan are not welcome!

8 1. I took a taxi with my friends to meet a net friend. When I arrived, my friend pointed to an ugly girl not far away and said to the driver, "Did you see that woman?"

"See, just stop there?"

"No, kill her! ! ! "

85. The professor asked his female doctor with concern: "Is the recent subsidy enough? Go and buy some beautiful clothes so that you can wear them when you go out to play. By the way, have you two found a boyfriend? You will all come when the doctoral students take the second interview in two days. If you look at which one, you will nod to me and I will take them! "

86. Send a text message to my classmates: There's something I've always wanted to ask you seriously. Can you promise to tell me the truth?

He replied (seriously): Go ahead, what is it?

Me: Do you regret molesting Chang 'e in the sky?

He: #% ...% #% #!

99. A student pre-selected the courses for the next semester online. The new course selection system shows the following contents: "Hello, classmate, please enter your student number and press # to end, press 5 to quit school, press 6 to suspend school, and press 7 to resume school." Driven by strong curiosity, he pressed "5", and then the system replied: "Quit school successfully!" His face suddenly changed with fear! At this time, a hope appeared in his mind. Didn't there just be "please press 7 to resume school"? So he pressed "7", only to see the system reply: "Sorry, non-students are not allowed to use the system!"

professor

"I brought a frog today," the professor of zoology said to the students. "I just came from

Caught it in the pond. In this lesson, we will dissect frogs. "

He took out a paper box and opened it carefully. There is a ham sandwich in the box.

"Strange," the professor was very surprised. "I clearly remember having lunch.

Lie down and talk.

One night, a boy's dormitory slept until three o'clock in the morning, and suddenly he wanted to discuss a question: "I met a man."

Beauty, what should I say first? A gentleman woke up from a dream and said, "Stop talking and let's go to bed!" " "

cheat

"Polonius was fired for cheating. “

"What's the matter?"

"In the physical examination, he counted his ribs and the result was found. “

Teacher Tsinghua.

A young teacher in Tsinghua loves mahjong. Once, he played mahjong all night. He played mahjong at seven forty the next morning.

There is a class. He got off the mahjong table at 7: 30 and hurried to the fourth teacher's class. It happened that the student on duty that day didn't clean the blackboard.

He shouted, "Who is the farmer?" The students on duty dare not answer, so they have to clean themselves, but

Unable to find the eraser, he shouted again, "Where did you put the whiteboard?" .....

This is a Chinese class. When talking about new words, the teacher picked up the chalk and wrote "China" on the blackboard.

Then he said, "Students, please look at the whiteboard. There is a red middle on it. "

taste

The Chinese teacher was very angry when he found Zhang San sleeping in class, so he woke Zhang San up and asked: How did you sleep in class?

However, Zhang San refused to admit sleeping.

Zhang San: I didn't sleep.

Teacher: Then why do you close your eyes?

Zhang San: Teacher, I am reading the text silently.

The teacher didn't believe it and said, then why are you nodding?

Zhang San: Teacher, your lecture is very good.

The teacher still didn't believe it and said, then why are you drooling?

Zhang San: Teacher, your class is very interesting.

Every day has a good turn for the better.

The teacher asked two students, "Did you do good things every day today? 」

The two students replied in unison: "Yes! 」

The teacher asked, "What did you do? 」

Student: "We helped an old lady cross the street. 」

Teacher: "Well, it's fine, but why do you need two people to help an old lady cross the street?" 」

Student: "Because the old lady doesn't want to cross the road. 」

I see

When the school travels once a year, boys and girls in junior high school always play separately because of their different interests. Girls wear it.

Walking around in a bathing suit, on the one hand, showing yourself, on the other hand, enjoying the sunshine. The boy rolled up his trouser leg and caught it in the water.

Fish.

A teacher who looked after these children sighed, "I don't remember when I was in junior high school, were girls like this?"

Mature. "

"Sure, but you were busy catching small fish!" Another teacher said coldly.

In class, a classmate is watching cartoons.

The teacher found out and asked, What are you doing?

"I'm looking for something. 」

"Looking for? 」

"Look, look ..."

The classmate next door replied, make excuses.

History teacher: Why did you leave early?

Barry: I have an important appointment.

History teacher: Is history more important or girlfriend more important?

Barry: If I'm late again, she will be history! ! !

History teacher: @ # # $%%

surface tension

Two biochemists were sitting in front of the laboratory drinking coffee, and a beautiful woman walked by.

The old biochemist saw the dementia expression on his colleague's face.

She said, like us, more than 75% is water.

Colleagues still say with a puzzled face, yes, but look at the surface tension of others!

Team coach

This is what my professor told us. He used to teach in America. Some players have never studied, but so has the university.

I want to graduate, and then I can join the professional basketball team to play nba. After retiring, I often return to my alma mater as a team coach.

There is a student (let's call him Jordan) who will graduate soon, but calculus can't pass anyway, so he can't graduate and play nb.

Ah! So he asked his coach, who is also the coach of the school team, to intercede for him.

Coach: "Professor, please let Jordan live. The nba has been waiting for him for a long time! 」

Professor: "All right! Now that the coaches have come to intercede, I will give you one last chance. "

"What is one plus one? 」

Jordan immediately replied without thinking, "Two."

Coach: "Professor, please give him another chance! 」

Remember to brush your teeth! !

One day in the biological experiment, I observed my saliva cells, observed them with a microscope and recorded them. Just when everyone was in high spirits.

I screamed when I carefully observed and studied. Ah ~ it was originally sent by the beauty teaching assistant ... the professor thinks it happened.

What happened, so he ran to look at her microscope. After that, he told her: remember to brush your teeth next time you finish your work.

Rinse your mouth! !

Sex, teaching and education.

One day. Xiaoming went home from class very sadly.

Mother asked Xiaoming: What happened?

Xiao Ming replied: Xiaohua in the class knows where he comes from. But I don't even know

Mom thinks it's time to tell Xiaoming about the relationship between men and women and make a correct sex education by the way.

Mother began to tell Xiaoming that the boy fell in love with the girl. Then get married ... also mentioned how sperm meet eggs.

Mother told Xiaoming everything she knew.

When my mother finished satisfactory teaching.

Xiao Ming is still at a loss. Look at mom. A little tears dripping from the corner of my eye said:

Xiaohua said that he came from Yilan. But after listening to my mother, I still don't know where I come from.

In class, a teacher is introducing Japanese surnames to students.

She said: "If there is the word' Taro' in the Japanese name, then he must be the eldest son, if there is this word in his name.

The word' Jiro', then he must be the second son ... Next, who can name a Japanese with such a name? "

A student stood up and answered loudly: Isoroku Yamamoto.

The teacher was giving a lecture when a little boy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I want to shit."

The teacher told the students, "You can say it in another civilized way."

The student thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my ass wants to vomit."

A student asked the teacher how to write the word dung, but the teacher forgot for a moment and had to say:

"It's on my lips. Why can't I get out?"

My brother is in the fourth grade of primary school. He is so fat that people often make fun of him.

One day, the teacher asked one of their classmates to start writing down "what they do for their family every day" in the contact book.

My brother couldn't figure it out, so my mother had to help him fill it out. She is in the address book.

I wrote: "Help my family eat every day. 」

The teacher's comment is: "I can see that you are working hard!" 」

The way men think.

Miller, a high flyers majoring in agriculture in a university, returned to his hometown in the summer vacation. A neighbor's wife wanted to raise chickens to get rich, so she came to ask him about Miller's research.

All kinds of data such as chicken house and chicken food told her that it is more appropriate to raise about 30 hens and one or two cocks. At the end of the summer vacation, Miller wants to see it.

See how his "idea" is implemented. But he froze in front of the henhouse. Besides 30 hens, there are 30 big cocks in it. "too.

Similarly, it only takes one or two cocks to raise 30 hens. Too many cocks can't lay eggs, but waste food. ""You mean, let one or two?

How many hens does a rooster have? "The neighbor's wife blushed and said yes. ""this is just what you men think, I won't do it! "

begin

At the graduation ceremony, the headmaster announced that the first-ranked student in the whole grade came to the stage to receive the prize, but after several consecutive phone calls.

Only a few students walked slowly onto the stage. Later, the teacher asked the students, "What's the matter? Are you sick? still

Didn't you hear clearly just now? The student replied, "no, I'm afraid other students didn't hear you clearly." 」

What is courage? ...

In the mid-term exam of a university philosophy department, they taught us what courage is. A student is on the test paper.

Write "this is it" and hand it in ... to get an A. ...

Theory of relativity

One day, when Xiao Ming ran into the classroom, he stood up again and left the classroom. The teacher turned around.

Seeing Xiaoming's back ... the teacher began to curse. I said … now people are becoming less and less aware of the benefits of reading …

... the teacher went on to say ... OK ... He didn't listen to my class ... I pawned him ... The teacher asked the monitor, what did you learn just now?

What's the student's name ... the monitor said ... he was in the next class ... but he was in the wrong classroom. ...

Jokes in the dormitory

I have a classmate who never buys toilet paper himself, but always goes to someone else to get it when he uses it. I took it at my house once.

I saw it when I was toilet paper. I said to him angrily, why do you always use my toilet paper? Won't you buy it yourself? He hey

Hey, Yile, say: Don't be so stingy! Isn't it just a little toilet paper I'll pay you back when I'm done!

2> One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest. He came forward and said, I'm Liu Hongtao. The foreign guest said: I am still Fang Qi.

Master 3> has a rule that when his family and helpers give birth to children, they must be named by him and what they are doing.

Say its name. His people are noble, and his assistants are humble.

One morning, his daughter-in-law gave birth to a son and asked him to name him. When he tried to relieve himself, he called himself an "ass".

In the afternoon, his own wife also gave birth to a son. He is shaving his head and naming it "Skull Head". Later, the "donkey" died, and his

This skull is seven years old. When the helper saw this "skull", he couldn't help crying when he thought of his son! It happened to be an old moneymaker that day.

One day, the old man asked him why he wanted to cry.

The helper replied, "I remember that if my ass were still there, it would be as big as my master's skull."

4. Passenger: Miss, why does your plane smell so bad?

Stewardess: Sir, because our plane is crossing the ozone layer. ...

On the plane, the flight attendant is collecting dishes, and most passengers give them to the flight attendant for collection.

A passenger by the window was indifferent and couldn't reach it by car, so he said to him, "Would you please pass me the plate?"

The passenger proudly said, "Are you a waiter or am I a waiter?"

The stewardess replied, "I am a waiter, but I am not a gibbon!" " "

Passenger: Miss, put my luggage up!

Stewardess: Excuse me, sir. I can't lift it alone. Do you want to join us?

G: aren't you an angel? ! The angel still can't put it up? !

Stewardess: Sir, even if you are a god, can you put it on my angel? !

7. The flight attendant was serving meals when he approached a passenger and asked, "Sir, we have chicken rice and fish rice. Which one do you want? "

The passenger replied: "ribs!"

The flight attendant repeated it, but the passenger still replied, "ribs!" " "

At this time, the flight attendant asked, "We have chicken ribs and fish ribs. Which do you prefer? "