Want a joke, a lot.

There are many jokes, don't laugh. One day, there was a fudge walking in the street.

As she was walking, she suddenly said, "Oh, dear! My legs are so soft! "

Once upon a time, there was a man named Yu,

One day, he was hungry,

I ate myself. ....

A classmate named Cai Xiao was walking on the road when he was suddenly stopped. ..

A banana gentleman is dating his girlfriend and walking down the street. It was very hot, so Mr banana took off his clothes, and then his girlfriend fell down.

There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. Penguins pull out his hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!" "

Hearing this, the polar bear tore off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!" " "

One day mung beans committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and became red beans; It has been squeezed dry and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans.

One day, bean paste buns were walking on the road, and suddenly they had an accident and their stomachs were broken. Before he died, he looked at his stomach and said, "Oh, I am just a bean paste bag."

The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so I stretched out my hand to scratch it and burned myself to death.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying ~ he flew away ...

Once upon a time there was a bird.

He passes through a cornfield every day.

But unfortunately,

One day, a fire broke out in the cornfield.

All the corn has turned into popcorn.

After the birds fly by, ......

I thought it was snowing, so I froze. ...

There is a man who looks like an onion, crying as he walks. ..

One day, the little penguin asked his grandmother, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

There is a hide-and-seek club whose leader has not been found yet.

On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl, "Why didn't the plane hit the stars when it was flying so high?" "

The little girl replied, "I know, because the stars will shine!" " "

A pair of corn fell in love.

So they decided to get married.

Wedding anniversary

A corn can't find another corn.

This corn asks the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

One day, a medium-rare steak was walking in the street. Suddenly he saw a medium-rare steak in front of him, but he ignored him.

Q: Why don't they say hello?

A: Because I am not familiar with it. ..

Excuse me:

Who is Amy's mother?

-flowers, because "peanuts."

Who is Amy's father?

-It's a butterfly, and the country is a "recent flower".

Who is Amy's grandmother?

-it's a wonderful pen, because "a wonderful pen makes flowers."

There is a fat man. ..........

Jump off a tall building ...

It turned out to be .......

Fat bastard ..

One day, a green apple went out shopping and suddenly saw a red apple. He said to the red apple. ...

You have a crush on me, otherwise why are you blushing? ...

In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune.

Xiaoming asked Xiaohua, "Do you know music?"

Xiaohua: "Yes"

Xiaoming: "Do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

Xiaohong asked: Do you use your right hand or your left hand to make coffee?

Xiaomei said: right hand

Xiaohong said: Oh, you are awesome. You are not afraid of scalding, just like I use a spoon.

Xiao said to Xiao B: dig the plug ... it's raining outside! ! Have you seen it?

Xiao B is very excited: Yes, I see you.

Xiaoming has been begging his mother to let him become an artist.

Mother said, "You are still young, we will talk about it later." Xiao Ming didn't give up and kept begging her.

Finally, my mother couldn't stand it anymore and flew into a rage:

"We were born with red beans and can't be artists (barley). Give it up!

The little snake asked Brother Snake in a panic .. "Brother, are we poisonous?" The snake said, "Why do you ask?" The little snake said, "I accidentally bit my tongue just now."

Once upon a time, tomato A and tomato B went shopping together.

Then one day suddenly a truck rushed out.

Squeeze the tomato nails through.

Tomato b laughs at tomato a.

[hahaha ketchup ~]

Chocolate and tomatoes fight, and chocolate wins.

Why?

Because of the chocolate bar ~

The tortoise and the rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ..

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly .. and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ..

Then, the snail came up. ..

After a while, the tortoise saw another ant and said to him, come up, too. ..

So the ants came up. .

When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ...

Someone looks like a sweet potato and fell down while walking. ..

Do you know why penguins live in Antarctica?

Because it's cold there. ..

Two people fell into a trap. The dead call the dead, what is the name of the living?

A: Call for help!

Ming Dow Jr.: "Kang, let me ask you something." A shark ate a mung bean. What did it become? 」

Kang said, "I don't know. What is the answer? 」

Xiao Ming said, "The answer is' green bean paste (mung bean shark)'. Oh, you are so stupid! 」

Q: A rabbit races with a fast tortoise. Guess who won?

A: Rabbit ~ ~

Q: Wrong ~! It's a turtle. As mentioned earlier, it's a fast turtle. Run fast ~ ~

Q: The rabbit doesn't want to compete with a turtle wearing sunglasses. Who will win this time?

A: Mm-hmm. Tuziba

Q: Wrong ~ ~! The tortoise took off her sunglasses, too! It's the fastest turtle again.

There is a man and a woman eating.

Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and went on eating dinner.

The girl was very angry and asked, Do you love me or not?

The boy finally said: love

The girl asked again, then how do you prove it?

Suddenly, the boy took out 30 yuan money from his pocket.

And ask the girl: Do you have ten dollars?

The girl gave the boy ten yuan. ..

The boys put forty yuan on the table.

soon .....

The girl was very angry and asked the boy: Do you want to prove that you love me or not?

Boys say I have been proved! ! !

A clever student

In physics class, the teacher is talking about vibration and buzzing. In order to make the students understand, the teacher asked, "What will happen if I throw a stone at the fish pond?" The students said in unison: "Fine 5 yuan!"

graduate

Teacher: "You just started high school in the first half of the year. Why did you drop out of school? "

Student: "Because considering my present education, I have surpassed Mr. Hua, so I don't need to go to school."

empty talk

One day, the teacher told Li Gang and Wei Li about The Analects. When talking about the sentence "Confucius said: learning at times displeases people", the teacher explained: "Confucius; Yue, say; Learning, learning, harmony, empty talk; When, often, study and review; , empty talk; Yue, happy; Forget it, empty talk. " Finished, the teacher asked:

"Do you two understand?" "I understand!" Li Gang and Wei Liqi answered.

The teacher was very happy and said to Li Gang, "Let's talk together."

Li Gang stood up and shook his body and said, "Confucius said that when learning function words, we should always review function words, function words, function words and happy words!"

Wu Zetian is a great mathematician.

History teacher: "Do you know who Wu Zetian is?"

Student: "Wu Zetian is a mathematician. Adding it after five is the great mathematician who invented rounding. "

That's right.

The teacher pointed to the "confusing" written on the blackboard and said, "Bill Han, tell me the meaning of this idiom."

Bill Han stood up, pushed the high myopia glasses on the bridge of his nose, looked at the blackboard carefully for a while and said helplessly, "I can't see clearly."

Teacher: "Bill Han is right. Please sit down."

Pictures and bellies

A kindergarten teacher speaks Mandarin, and his pronunciation is not accurate. In class, she took out a photo and said, "Children, take out the photo sent to you."

The children mistook "pictures" for "bellies" and lifted their clothes one by one to reveal their bellies.

The teacher asked, "What is it?"

The children replied in unison: "navel."

Let pear's motivation

In a Chinese class in a primary school, the teacher told the story of "Kong Rong making pears", and then asked the students to write the motivation of Kong Rong making pears.

In the papers handed in, the answers can be mainly divided into four categories:

1, the pear is rotten;

2. At that time, Kong Rong just had a toothache;

3. Let the person with the pear help him with his homework;

4. To be famous.

The teacher was disappointed.

Lure the tiger out of the mountain

Teacher: "What do you mean by' draw the tiger out of the mountain'?"

Student: "For example, during the exam, the principal suddenly called the teacher out of the classroom, which is called' transferring the tiger on the mountain'."

Test question

Fill in the blanks: rack one's brains

The students answered like this:

A: Rack your brains.

B: chest out.

C: Put the juice on the shelf.

D: rack your brains.

Teacher's comment: I racked my brains and didn't write it.

The truth about children

A young teacher just told a little boy in her class a story about a sheep that was eaten by a wolf because it left the flock.

"Look," she said, "if this sheep is honest and doesn't leave the flock, it won't be eaten by wolves, right?"

"Yes, sir." The little boy replied, "but we ate it later."

Arithmetic is worse

Teacher: "Your writing score is too small." I asked you to write 100, but you only wrote 75. "

Student: "It can be seen that my arithmetic is worse."

Banana peel

Math teacher: "A banana, three children want to grab it." The result was robbed by two children and divided. Do you know there are 1 children? "

Student: "Yes ..."

The teacher was surprised: "What?"

Student: "banana peel."

exercises

Student: "I have done this problem six times."

Teacher: "Great."

Student: "Here are six answers."

Scare birds

Zheng Ming is a naughty boy. He is most afraid of painting, especially birds. One day, the drawing teacher drew a bird standing on a branch on the blackboard and made a specimen for the students. Zheng Ming painted left and right, unlike previous paintings. When he saw that all his classmates had handed in their papers, he also handed them out in a muddle. After reading his painting, the drawing teacher unconsciously patted the pointer on the platform and said, "Where is the bird you drew?" Zheng Ming quickly replied, "I was scared away by your pointer."

The story of cockroaches

One of my classmates is surnamed Zhang. One day, he was alone with a girl he had admired for a long time. They chatted while eating snacks. Suddenly, the girl called out "Zhang Lang", and he was so happy that he almost fainted.

The dream woke up soon, and the girl said there was half a cockroach on the biscuit he was holding!

Arithmetic is worse

Teacher: "Your writing score is too small." I asked you to write 100, but you only wrote 75. "

Student: "It can be seen that my arithmetic is worse."

Banana peel

Math teacher: "A banana, three children want to grab it." The result was robbed by two children and divided. Do you know there are 1 children? "

Student: "Yes ..."

The teacher was surprised: "What?"

Student: "banana peel."

exercises

Student: "I have done this problem six times."

Teacher: "Great."

Student: "Here are six answers."

Scare birds

Zheng Ming is a naughty boy. He is most afraid of painting, especially birds. One day, the drawing teacher drew a bird standing on a branch on the blackboard and made a specimen for the students. Zheng Ming painted left and right, unlike previous paintings. When he saw that all his classmates had handed in their papers, he also handed them out in a muddle. After reading his painting, the drawing teacher unconsciously patted the pointer on the platform and said, "Where is the bird you drew?" Zheng Ming quickly replied, "I was scared away by your pointer."

The story of cockroaches

One of my classmates is surnamed Zhang. One day, he was alone with a girl he had admired for a long time. They chatted while eating snacks. Suddenly, the girl called out "Zhang Lang", and he was so happy that he almost fainted.

The dream woke up soon, and the girl said there was half a cockroach on the biscuit he was holding!

Concise and to the point.

My middle school deskmate is famous for her simplicity. One day, there was a group meeting in the class, and it was unbearable.

Finally, I asked your opinion. When asked about him, he replied, "I have to pee."

A student of the Department of Fossil Geology was practicing in the field, and a student happened to find a big fossil. Lecturer A said it was a fossil tree, while Lecturer B insisted that it was a dinosaur leg bone. The two sides argued endlessly. The students don't know who is right or wrong, but they know that both lecturers will grade the internship report, so a clever classmate wrote in the report that a dinosaur's wooden leg was found.

electric shock

In medical class, gay men learned, "How can I touch your heart?"

Female student: "Didn't the teacher teach?" Use electric shock. "

Learning and applying in practice

A law school in the United States, one day took the criminal law exam.

The first question the professor asked the students was: "What is the crime of fraud?"

A student replied, "if you don't let me take the exam, it's fraud."

The professor was very surprised: "How do you explain this problem?"

"According to the criminal law, anyone who uses the ignorance of others to make them suffer losses is a fraud. "

sir

Son: "Today the teacher taught us to say, yes, sir," and "no, sir."

Father: "Have you learned?"

Son: "No, sir."

Father: "You can't call Mr. Dad."

Son: "Yes, sir."

answer

There was a question in the exam: Who is Lu Xun?

A careless student didn't review carefully before the exam. He misread the word "tree" originally called "Zhou Shuren" by Lu Xun.

So he replied: Lu Xun is from Zhoucun.

The exam is over.

Wang, you didn't do well in the final exam. So I sent a telegram to my brother to prepare my father psychologically.

Soon my brother called back: "Dad is ready, please be mentally prepared now."

Eliminate discord

A school held a family discussion class.

In a classroom, the teacher asked the students, "What do you think is the best way to eliminate the disharmony between parents and students?"

A classmate boldly stood up and said to the teacher, "The best way is to fill in all 5 points on my report card."

Who burned Yuanmingyuan?

The teacher asked Xiao Qiang, "Who burned Yuanmingyuan?"

Xiao Qiang said indignantly, "Teacher. No, no, I didn't burn it. "

"What? You, you, you call your dad, "the teacher said angrily.

After school, Xiao Qiang's father came, and the teacher said to him, "Today, I asked your son who burned the Yuanmingyuan, but he actually said that he didn't burn it. Is this ridiculous? "

Xiao Qiang's father blinked and said hesitantly, "Teacher, it's really ... not him. Burn, our children don't do it. "

"Why not ... how about paying?"

Pig slayer

Students are diligent students. He works part-time during the winter and summer vacations to earn tuition. Help the butcher cut meat during the day and work in the hospital at night.

One night, an old woman had to undergo surgery because of an emergency, and a student wheeled her into the operating room. The old lady glanced at Jiasheng and suddenly cried out in horror: "Oh, my God! You killed that pig. Where are you going to push me? "

erect

A monitor slept in class and told his classmates to call him after class. The students played a practical joke. A: "Get up, class is over!" "

The monitor rubbed his eyes: "Stand up!"

At this time, only a dozen students stood up sleepily and said, "thank you, teacher!" " "

Anecdotes of vending machines

This is the final exam. I always stay up late at night. I'm hungry. Of course, eating instant noodles is the most convenient. ...

There is an instant noodle vending machine in the dormitory. I'm thinking that "broth noodles" and "sesame oil noodles" are better. Think about it, just press them together and look at the next one! As a result, I came up with:

"Black pepper beef noodles."

Geography exam

In the geography exam, the teacher asked the students to briefly describe the following places: Arabia, Singapore, Cape of Good Hope, Rome, Nagoya and Macau.

Among them, Xiao Ming wrote: Once upon a time, there was an old man named Arabia. One day, he went out to climb the mountain. When he climbed to Singapore, he suddenly saw a Rome with a Cape of Good Hope coming straight at him. Frightened, he started to run to Nagoya and soon closed Macao.

The King of Animals-Lion or Tiger

"Students, who is the king of beasts?" The teacher asked. "The director of the zoo." Little John answered.

answer

In English class, the teacher is talking about the differences between Chinese and western languages.

Some students raised their hands and asked, "Teacher, how do you say' jiaozi' in English?" The teacher was angry and scolded: "ignorance is to the extreme!" The British don't eat jiaozi! "

cannot find

"Teacher, have you told us about the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom?" Yes, I do. "

"Then why can't I find it on the map?"

How did Tsinghua students get 100 with blank papers?

In the final exam, a boy in Tsinghua was faced with an extremely difficult physics problem given by Professor Yang Zhenning, so he went straight to the podium and said to the invigilator Yang Zhenning! "I really can't answer your question, but I have a question that you may not be able to answer. If you can't answer my question, can you give me 100? "

Yang Zhenning touched his beardless chin and thought, can you beat me, Tsinghua nerd who has been hitting on girls all day? I won the Nobel Prize! Then he replied, "Good!"

Tsinghua boy explained: "What is legal but unreasonable?

What is reasonable but illegal? What is unreasonable and illegal? Parentheses: These three things are intrinsically related. "

Professor Yang really didn't expect it, so he scored 100 on a blank piece of paper to get an answer.

Tsinghua boy said, "Since you have a score, I will tell you."

"Your 82-year-old man married a 28-year-old young wife, which is legal but unreasonable."

"Your beautiful young wife found a young student outside, which is reasonable but illegal."

Yang Zhenning has turned a yellow face into a blue face and said in disgust:

"Then what do you say is unreasonable and illegal?"

………………

The student proudly said, "You just got full marks on the white paper of the young lover of your newly married young wife. This matter is neither reasonable nor legal. " Dear wife:

Are you okay at home?

It's been 38 hours and 37 minutes since we were angry, and it's still 4 hours 2 1 minute short of the record of your running away from home. I know you're waiting for me to apologize to you, and I'm going to do the same, but I hope you can stick to it and create a new high in your escape history!

I'm fine at home, please don't miss it. Although you have the passbook, you don't have to worry about my financial resources, because I still have a supplementary credit card in my hand. Credit cards are very convenient to use. I have bought five shirts, seven pairs of underwear and twelve pairs of socks. It is estimated that one set will last until you come back every day. A famous brand is a famous brand, although it is a little expensive. ...

You don't have to worry about my food. I've tried it in seven newly opened sprinklers. Hairtail, hemp stalk and pig head are three. They are afraid of being alone and accompany me every day, but they try their best to order good food and wine. I can't help it You know I'm proud. What bothers me most is the new woman who moved across the street. She comes to borrow vinegar and garlic almost every day. But don't worry, I will never make a mistake. You must have confidence in me in this respect. As for the flowers and plants at home, I want them to adapt to the desertification environment as soon as possible and never water them, which is conducive to their species evolution. By the way, did our Mimi accompany you back to your parents' house? It's been two days.

You don't have to worry that my two lovely brothers-in-law will come to me on impulse to do something irrational. I invited them to dinner yesterday and told them a little thing between us. After listening, they took my hand and cried and said, "Brother-in-law, it's really hard for you!" " Yun Yun "

I'll pick you up and apologize, but you can stay at your parents' house for a while. "Come home often." Old people need you, too.

Ps: If you don't come back tomorrow, Bing Bing will treat me to pizza and I will go. Anyway, being idle is also idle, and it is not good to always refuse others. After all, they are colleagues in the same unit.

Goodbye!

Your dear husband.

Dear husband:

Thank you for your letter!

Everything is fine at my parents' house, don't worry. I forgot to tell you that the deposit in the passbook has been transferred to my account. I'm a little worried about your financial situation, but since you can overdraw your credit card so well, I don't need to worry.

In addition, kindly remind me that there are two packs of instant noodles under the kitchen cupboard at home. Although you are eating well now, I am still a little worried. Maybe when you run out of credit cards and bring fish, hemp stalks and pig heads, you will need them again.

Say hello to my new neighbor across the hall. The house loan is due at the end of the month, and then you have to say goodbye to your new friends! By the way, don't water flowers at home. I grow cactus. I'm with Mimi, and the insect repellent at home has long been used up. You must be watching Xiao Qiang now.

Of course, my two lovely brothers won't give you any trouble. They have been urging me to get a divorce and find a capable man.

It feels good to be home now. I don't have to wash and cook so hard every day, but I can also go shopping freely. I'm really happy!

I wish you have a good time with Bingbing tomorrow. In addition, I heard that Bingbing's new boyfriend is a boxing coach in the Institute of Physical Education. I don't know if it's true or not. You know I'm not that nosy!

Goodbye!

Your dear wife One day, three ghosts met God while shopping. God said heaven was full and they couldn't get in. Let them tell each other how they died.

Ghost armor said: I, I died very hard. In my previous life, I was a high-rise cleaner (the kind hanging outside a high-rise building to clean windows). Although my family is poor, I am very happy. One day, I was cleaning the window outside, and an accidental seat belt broke me. I fell on 18 floor. I think I'm dead this time, but people's desire for survival made me grab the balcony on the third floor. I think I can be saved this time. Who knows, just then, someone came to the third floor with a flowerpot on the balcony and hit my hand. I fell down again. My life should not die in the tent below. Just when I was lucky, someone fell from the refrigerator on the third floor and killed me.

Ghost B said: You are not bad. I was a clerk before my death, and everything was fine except that my wife was a little dishonest. When I came home one day and saw my wife with long hair, I knew something was wrong. Then I saw a hand on the balcony, and I reflected it at that time! Pick up the vase and break it! That guy fell. I'm glad to see that guy fall into the tent below! Not dead! ? Without saying anything, pick up the refrigerator and smash it! That guy died in an instant! As a result, I laughed my heart out! Laughing to death!

Ghost C said: Hum! What are you? My last generation was a punk, and everything was fine. One day I went to a female friend's house. At this time, I didn't know that her husband was back. She quickly asked me to hide in the refrigerator. But after a while, I don't know how her husband knew I was hiding in the refrigerator and was thrown upstairs by the refrigerator!

The three ghosts looked at each other and said nothing. ...