How to save your ex (how to save your ex-boyfriend after breaking up)

Since the fact of breaking up is in front of us, is there really any way to get him back?

As a professional psychological counselor, I can tell you responsibly that the answer is yes, and there are countless successful cases.

Before that, we must first realize that we should never treat our feelings too lightly, thinking that two unrelated people can last forever as long as they like them and are suitable. As Zhang Ailing said, "You can get love in any way, but you need wisdom to keep it."

Pave the way for this mentality of learning in love, and then we can discuss how to find our ex-boyfriend in turn.

Everything happens for a reason. The first step to solve the problem is to clarify the source of the problem and see the essence of breaking up, so as to have a clear goal.

The process of "doubt-temptation-disappointment-rupture" is inevitable for most couples to break up. Here, I will also list two basic types and manifestations of ex-boyfriend breakup according to theory and practice, and briefly analyze the reasons.

1. backlog decomposition

Many girls may feel this way when they break up. "Why did he tolerate me when I did this before, but finally broke up because of this little thing?"

? Breaking up shows that "small things have become the last straw to crush love": in a very small incident, he was merciless, did not say the actual reason, did not explain too much, and finally proposed to break up.

The following are some common past events:

You always expressed disgust because of one of his shortcomings, and finally broke up because of your unintentional teasing one day.

You always ask him to reject all the opposite sex for you. Later, because a girl talked to him a few more words, you blamed doubt and resolutely left.

You always ask, "What day is it today? Don't you love me?" Every time you ask, you will exert more pressure.

"In an avalanche, not a snowflake is innocent." The accumulation of long-term dissatisfaction will always have "the last straw to crush ex-boyfriends."

Step 2 break up on impulse

According to social survey data, impulsive breakup also accounts for a large proportion of couples, which is simply a breakup caused by some sudden stimuli that lead to the emotional loss of control of the other party.

? The characteristics of breaking up are "fiery": violent quarrels, mutual slander and abuse, deletion of all contact information, speculation of the result of breaking up, and leaving no steps for the other party.

In fact, in order to pursue the effect of "heart abuse", many film and television dramas often break up impulsively. For example, some time ago, the popular TV series "Sweet Honey is as Heavy as Frost": The female host Jin Mi was stimulated by her father's death, and after losing her mind, she misunderstood the male host Feng Hsu's direct and impulsive expression of her break with the male host, which led to love but turned against her.

It can be seen that it is absolutely not enough to rely solely on sensibility in love. There are too many accidents that affect the relationship in life, and the impulsive breakup is irrational because of the connivance of sensibility, which leads to the ending of "one minute lovers spend a hundred days".

The reason for breaking up is clear, but no matter what the reason is, as long as we get out of the habitual misunderstanding and combine the following phased steps and specific methods, it is just around the corner to recover our ex-boyfriend.

First, avoid oppression and disconnection, dilute strength and try to break the ice. John ford once said: "Love is the tyrant in my heart; It makes the reason unclear and the judgment unclear; It didn't listen to advice and ran straight in the crazy direction. " This mentality is particularly evident in us after the initial breakup:

Crazy apology text messages, repeatedly appearing around ex-boyfriends, selling pity and sympathy, being entangled (oppressed)

When the cold war broke out, nobody wanted to talk to each other.

In fact, the above two treatments are what we need to avoid in the process of rehabilitation. You know, after breaking up, the other party's security boundary will be improved, and they often adopt a self-enclosed way to strengthen their own security scope.

At this time, no matter the backlog of breakups or impulsive breakups, they are very disgusted with the cold war of breaking up, which is also a traumatic emotional reaction. Therefore, our correct approach is to actively dilute the relationship concentration and achieve icebreaking.

The specific operation is:

? Add the contact information back, try to send some topics that have nothing to do with feelings, so that both parties can put down their emotional burden.

? Rationalize self-description, find other reasons for previous mistakes, such as "being hurt by being born in a family" and "out of control because you love each other too much", and transfer your mistakes.

? Take a step back with decreasing thinking, which means that although we have broken up now, we can still be friends, and there is no need to be too stiff.

Second, avoid procrastination and blindness, change identity and seek comfort. Zhang Xiaoxian said: "We put down our dignity, personality and stubbornness, because we can't let go of anyone." What needs to be weighed here is, which is more important, dignity or ex-boyfriend?

If you think dignity is more important, then shake your head and walk away. If you care more about your ex-boyfriend, then listen to me.

As far as the state at this time is concerned, we must not stay in the ice-breaking stage for too long, that is, we must avoid delay. At the same time, it is not appropriate to rush for success because of blindness. What is more needed is gradual progress, and it is comfortable to re-pave.

? Turn an ex-girlfriend into a new friend

Talk about daily chores and share your feelings moderately. In the face of the waste test he may give, such as the active waste test of "don't bother me, I don't want to talk to you" and the passive waste test of "I don't listen, I'm busy", we should be psychologically prepared and take countermeasures, namely:

He is tough, you are weak, and he backs off.

Highlight friendship, put aside love for the time being, and refuse to talk about love and cross the line.

Avoid mentioning the sad past of breaking up and create an understanding friend image.

That is to say, you should change your identity in time, so that your ex-boyfriend will no longer be your enemy and put you on the opposite side, but let you act as a friend and re-enter his life.

? Chat and send friends until you are invited to meet.

After the above operation, we are now new friends of our ex-boyfriend, so we can naturally take the following measures:

Continuous intermittent chat: that is, talk about trifles every three or four days to convey your positive emotions, so as to make your ex-boyfriend feel natural and comfortable.

Show the value of the circle of friends: that is, use the "Johari Window" to continuously expose your positive image in the circle of friends, so as to achieve the effect of continuously injecting positive emotions. For example:

√ I used to feel insecure and like to test, so I decided to do some activities alone to expand my social circle and improve myself.

√ If you were irrational before, you should send less emotional copy, self-discipline and self-love, and show your reason.

Take the initiative to invite people to meet: after meeting, use ambiguous jokes and tentative teasing in time. Once he is willing to accept the invitation, it means that the comfort has been paved smoothly and the meeting will come naturally.

Third, avoid standing still and improve the need for self-reconstruction. In fact, it is not accurate for us to recover our ex-boyfriend. What we have to do is far from going back to the beginning, because the original model has been proved wrong by the breakup. Therefore, we should avoid standing still, optimize ourselves while maintaining ourselves, and redirect each other's needs for ourselves.

Like is always accompanied by demand. If you want to find your ex-boyfriend's love for you, you must start with the following specific needs:

Reproductive needs: one of the ultimate goals of sexual union is reproduction. What we have to do is to turn ourselves into his best "combination object", such as good posture and face, intellectual initiative, that is, to increase its demand through exercise and maintenance and accumulation of connotation.

Psychological and emotional needs: One of the essences of falling in love is to avoid loneliness. Just like the song "companionship is the longest confession", while maintaining yourself, give your ex-boyfriend enough care and let him fall into gentleness.

Emotional adjustment needs: everyone has secular desires, and so does ex-boyfriends. Boys are often informal, which requires our girls' understanding.

Material needs: All feelings are inseparable from material needs. As the saying goes, "love needs bread", we are value-added, economically independent, and turn passivity into initiative, so that he can actively pursue you.

Fourth, avoid the name, break the safe zone and regain love. At this point, the ex-boyfriend has basically become your bag, and you are more in an ambiguous but unclear stage, that is to say, "doing the couple's thing, but there is no couple's name."

Psychologically, this is caused by the deviation of "self-cognition and self-service orientation", that is, the existing comfort is satisfactory, but there is no objective understanding of the cost of breaking the safety zone.

At this point, what we need to do is actually very simple, that is, to adopt the "circuitous tactics" of "pushing-pulling-retreating-pushing again". You know, only by creating estrangement can your relationship be faster, by going up one flight of stairs. Specifically, it is:

Chatting is becoming more and more intimate (promotion)

Increase two people's independent activities and physical contact (for example)

Persistent enthusiasm for him, giving him the cold shoulder (flinching) on the pretext of "busy with work and having friends"

Reduce ambiguity and contact, and express the attitude that "friends can't always be the same as before" (pull away)

Give a hint that you cherish this relationship and sublimate it in essence (push it forward again)

In this way, the ex-boyfriend's heart is naturally happy but anxious, so the high-low conversion of redemption will also be realized. He will miss it in a few days and get back together on his own initiative.

There is a classic line in Titanic: "A person can fall in love with many people in his life. After you get the happiness that truly belongs to you, you will understand that pain is actually a kind of wealth, which allows you to better grasp and cherish the people you love. " After we get back our boyfriends, we should learn to get along and cherish them. This is the meaning of recovery.

I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.