Official SMS without URL

Prepare 100 yuan. Fold in half and then fold in half, put it on the ground and step on it n times. Pick it up and see if the people above have nosebleeds. If it is, it is true. If not, it's fake.

A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to give a report: "rabbit, shrimp, pig tail!" No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! 」

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Please eat sausages and pickles! 」

Now, please speak to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!" 」

Comrades, that's enough for today. Let's all be big bowls! )

Without pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. ...

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story.

Part I: It's windy and rainy. I am waiting for your call back. Bottom line: live for you, die for you, and wait for you all your life. Horizontal batch: sent to the wrong person.

Kangaroos and monkeys in forest games were praised by the lion king for jumping high. The bear was criticized and said unconvinced: I will jump over this bridge tomorrow! Lion King: Look at you. You are still on the bridge (you are still watching! )

I heard that a toad jumped out of Taihu Lake today and was run over by a car. I've been worried. I'll text you right away. If you are still alive, please reply to me!

Jianghu knows that you are skilled in martial arts, but you can't be proud. If you do this, you will no longer be a man but a swordsman! Chivalrous swordsman! Chivalrous swordsman!

Look at you, American head, French waist, Indian nose, Hong Kong foot, people are not people, ghosts are not ghosts, only one head and two legs, look at you, and smile at the text messages!

Under the red sun and blue sky, farmers excitedly rushed into the cinema to watch the third-grade film, and their angry shouts shook the world. The village chief came to ask what was going on, and the farmer said, "People who read short messages are not on the stars, and we won't give money if we are killed."

Do your fingers itch? That means I miss your caress; Do your lips itch? That means I miss your kiss; Are you itchy ... that means you are dirty. Go and take a bath!

You are as hardworking as a bee, as beautiful as a butterfly, as loyal as a puppy, as smart as a kitten, as simple and honest as an old cow and as fierce as a tiger. No wonder people call you an animal!

Since ancient times, who didn't have shit and who didn't use paper shit? If you don't use toilet paper, do you use your fingers?

Whether it is a gust of wind or not, it is so eternal; This is a dream, but it is so real; You bowed your head and said nothing, but I couldn't calm down. Finally, I can't help but say to you, "let me know before farting!" "

If there is no wind, the clouds will not move; Fish can't swim without water; If there were no sun, there would be no light on the moon; If it weren't for you, stupid people wouldn't exist.

I can't eat because I miss you in the morning, I miss you more at noon, I can't eat because I miss you crazy at night, and I can't sleep because I'm hungry at night.

I heard that your mobile phone has no SMS function, so I sent this SMS as an experiment. If you receive it and confirm that it has SMS function and it is not my SMS, please reply to me: I have it, it is yours!

When my cell phone rings, it means I miss you. Second, I miss you so much! Three times, I miss you very much! Four tones, I miss you very much; Five tones-demonstration, it's time to answer the phone!

I am a lonely tree, standing on the roadside for thousands of years, waiting alone, just because one day when you pass me, I will fall for you. If I don't smash you, it will be in vain.

Beggars beg along the street with monkeys. He told them to laugh, cry, bow and read short messages.

The other day, when you participated in the ball game, you only scored one goal. Before the goalkeeper could react, the goal was scored! We all applaud and cheer for you. You got up and patted your ass and said, damn, the ground is too slippery!

When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth and blessed ears, you will sigh loudly-pig!

The aquarium celebrated the birthday of the old dragon king. During the dinner, Prime Minister Turtle took something out of his arms, looked at it and put it back. The dragon king quickly asked, what happened to Prime Minister Gui? Shrimp, soldier and crab will quickly answer: the old bastard has received the text message again.

Last night, my friends thought a lot, so did I. Only you are the coolest. I looked for you in my dream. Looking back, you were really thrown in the depths of someone else's donkey shed and tied up. How cruel! Cruel! Calm down after reading the information!

Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to find you. Can you pick me up at the station? However, I'm afraid it's hard for people to recognize it. You let your head explode, with a stick in your right hand and a porcelain bowl in your left. The joint signal is: Come on!

I dreamed about you. You made a dress out of white clouds, borrowed wings from a bird, put a broom behind your ass, and flew to me like a sword. Tell me affectionately: Do you know? That's what birdman looks like.

I thought there was something better, but I found it again and again, and the best was around, just like you. At first, I didn't think so, but as time went on, I realized that you were the best … bullying!

I am determined to do three major things for the people of the whole country: 1 building elevators for Mount Everest, 2 tiling the Great Wall, and 3 reversing the plane; Do three little things: 1 put gloves on flies, 2 put a mask on mosquitoes, and 3 feed you some pig feed.

When you arrived in xishuangbanna tourism, Yunnan, you were besieged by a group of wild boars. Tourists took out food and money, and the wild boar was unmoved. You took out your unique ID card, and the pigs knelt down and cried: Boss, we found you!

You are a 10 playboy. You often have fun with 9 and 8, and you have billions of money. You have given up for seven years, and you are always looking for prey. You need to ask more questions, but you are still half-hearted. You are definitely not a good person.

You are very creative, living is your courage, ugliness is not your original intention, without you, who can set off the beauty of the world!

After reading The Three Kingdoms, the tiger went to catch wild boar. When he saw that there were no pigs in the pigsty, he touched his beard and said, Empty city plan! I turned around and saw a dead pig on the animal trap. I was shocked: danger! Suddenly seeing you again, I was overjoyed: yo-ho, there is a honey trap!

The toad pursued the swan, and the swan said disdainfully, if I were like this, I would have died long ago! Toad refused: Is the pig still alive? When the pig heard it, he felt wronged: I provoked whoever I recruited, I was just reading the text message!

There is a yearning, a love, a beauty, an agreement, and a greeting, hello pig!

I don't want to be alone I want to have it, too. I walked along the street to have a look. Handsome men and beautiful women are holding hands, but I am holding hands with my left hand. Now I just want to go out with you, but I'm afraid my friend will say, don't always walk the dog.

In a military exercise, a shell deviated far away. I was sent to check and found that the shell exploded in the farmland. You stood there, your clothes tattered, your eyes dark and your eyes watery. You said to me: Is it worth stealing a cabbage with a shell?

I miss the days we walked together. Spring is beautiful, birds are singing and flowers are fragrant. The villagers all praised you for your beauty and cuteness. The villagers also praised me for being smart and capable, and I came out to release pigs at such a young age.

When you are lonely, watermelon may be your best way to vent. You can cut it, cut it, cut it, and at the same time, you can shout loudly: I kill melon, I kill melon, I kill melon!

1 The new diva sang rock and roll at the top of her lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to make a big change ..." The bookworm who was reading a book suddenly looked up and was surprised.

Q: "Isn't the toilet empty?"

The male and female bathhouses in the school walk in the same door, so students of the opposite sex often meet, which is quite embarrassing. One day, the bookworm walked to the door and happened to meet a schoolmate.

When he came out, the bookworm dodged a greeting and said, "Are there many people inside?"

Once I had dinner in a restaurant with my friends. We sat there waiting for the waiter to serve us. After a while, a beggar brought one.

A bowl went up to my friend's back and touched him gently, imagining that he wanted money. My friend was chatting with me and thought it was the waiter who sent the meal, so I didn't send it.

I turned and took the rice bowl from the beggar and put it in front of me. We were all shocked at that time, and the beggar wanted to cry even more (killing him)

I didn't expect this, and there are people grabbing jobs) ~ ~

When I was in college, one of my buddies met a beautiful woman on campus. It was love at first sight, and every day he was very emotional. When I went out to dinner with him at noon one day,

When the beautiful woman passed by, my buddy immediately pulled me back and saw the beautiful woman enter a noodle restaurant, and we also sat in it. I suggest

My buddy: "Senior three, hurry up ~" So he got up the courage, stepped forward, blushed and asked: "What's your name, classmate?" Nami

The woman looked at my buddy blankly: "My name is beef noodles." Dude was stupid at that time, and I was laughing next to him!

Tong Tong asked his mother, "Why do you call Mr. Jiang an ancestor?" Mother said, "Because' ancestor' is the name of the deceased."

Tong Tong said: "Will those dead grandmothers be called' fresh milk'?"

A brother in the past dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 am and shouted, "Get up quickly, you are late for class!" " "Then two people immediately put on.

Clothes. I was playing computer.

One night after eating my favorite bitter gourd, I said, "XXX (my mother's name), make me a bitter gourd, and you go there."

Death ... "At that time, the sound may be very loud. My mother, who slept in another cupboard, heard it. The next morning, she asked me angrily.

After ... ... crazy K company has a meal ... which can be said to be hanging. ......

A classmate went horseback riding during the day, was still very excited at night, and then fell asleep. We play cards. After a while, the man said, drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!

Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! ! ! ! !

A classmate likes to smoke while defecating. As soon as he came out of the toilet, he loudly said to us, "Ah, it's so cool to smoke and shit."

giddiness

Before 10, the first thing I said when I returned to my dormitory was, "Did anyone call me?" ...

1 1 once, I bickered with my roommate in the dormitory. He said he couldn't beat me, and he called me "You are my grandfather's son!" " 1 second after the silence, the whole dormitory laughed wildly!

12 When I was a child, I ate something bad once, and the next day I wrote a sick note to my teacher: "Teacher, I ate something bad yesterday and my stomach was upset.

Eat it, get up in the morning, vomit and diarrhea. . . "Cold, I don't know what the teacher thinks.

13 once my cousin and I were eating at home, and we accidentally poured the soup and ran out of tissues. Cousin shouted: "hurry up, hurry up, get the toilet paper, get the toilet."

14 things at the same table fell to the ground, so I bent down to pick up my partner and stepped on it with my foot. Unexpectedly, I stepped on his hand and was furious: "Dare to step on my foot? ! "

15 classroom discipline was chaotic in high school. The teacher picked up XXX in a rage and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ class violence

Cold ~ ~ ~

A foreign teacher once showed Mandarin in a big classroom. I wanted to give him face and praise his standard of Mandarin, but it turned out to be you.

The standard words are really common and cold, and everyone laughs at me.

17 and MM are in front of the stall selling soybean milk fritters. I shouted, "Boss, I want a bean paste." MM smiled.

18 Even the Chinese teacher in high school said in class: You are the result of a dead cat meeting a blind mouse. . . Full of laughter!

19 When I was in the third grade, a classmate invited us to dinner on my birthday night. When I got home, I said to my mother, "Mom, my classmate invited me on our wedding night today.

Eat! "

There were many people in the restaurant, and I shouted: Boss, a pepper without seasoning. . . . The waiter also loudly repeated: 1 1 table, did you add one?

Pepper with seasoning! ! ! . . .

2 1 I: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

Before my mother went out to play mahjong, she said to me, "You put all the clothes in the refrigerator and put all the dishes in the washing machine."

I went shopping on the 23rd! Suddenly, I saw a crow croaking in the sky. So a sentence popped out of her mouth: "Oh, this green!"

Frogs fly too low! I feel dizzy

I always make such mistakes ... because I talk too much.

When I was reading the text in junior high school, XX was wandering in the corridor, but I was reading XX lewd in the corridor ... The teacher blushed.

When I was in high school, I went out with my classmates. There is a China Everbright Bank near the school, which just opened, so there is a red cloth on the signboard ... but the cloth has been hung up.

I blocked Chinese characters ... I read "China Everbright Bank" ... My classmates laughed so crazy that I couldn't keep my head for years!

A person in our dormitory drank too much urine, and then took out a cold sentence: If you drink too much urine, there will be a lot of wine. ..

Once I listened to the radio, what kind of shopping guide hotline was it? When someone called in, the host asked him, "What's your name?" "

He replied, "Don't take your name! ~~~~~"

Buy oranges, boss: 1 yuan 5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

28 to a quick-witted grandmother: The other day, you were sitting on the bus, and the driver of No.252 suddenly braked, and your center of gravity was unstable. You rushed out and asked the driver:

What can I do for you?

Dear students: Although the instructor is really busy, please don't say to me when you see me in the toilet, "Instructor, you have to come by yourself when you are so busy."

Go to the bathroom! "

It was very hot for 30 days, but the school was out of power. 10 From day to night, our girls' dormitory is quiet at night, and everyone enjoys the cool on the balcony, boys.

The dormitory is very lively. After a commotion, the boys seem to have reached a certain consensus, only to hear organized shouts from the opposite corridor: "Call, come!" "

Electricity! We need electricity! "About 10 minutes later, the school really called, and there was a cheer from the opposite side, and the dormitory area became calm.

It was not until the lights went out at night 1 1 that the boys began to shout, "postpone, postpone, we have to postpone!" "

The school, which has always been harsh, unexpectedly agreed to the unreasonable demands of this group of people and extended the call time for the first time.

Just as we were about to have a rest, something happened that I will never forget. Maybe the boys are too excited because their two sons are usually away.

Possible requirements have actually been realized by the school, so there is a more organized and magnificent voice from the boys' dormitory opposite .............:

"Women ... women ... we want women! ! ! "

3 1 tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying!

My friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

33 classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the cool noodle restaurant and shook his hair: "Boss, don't mix noodles with onions!" " After that, add:

"More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

34. Once my classmate's mother called me in the dormitory.

I am used to saying "he is not in", but this time I want to say "he is out"

The result is: "He's gone ..."

35. In high school, everyone had a famous brand. . Before an inspection, the head teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, everyone quickly put on their bras and checked.

Pull. . The audience was silent. . .

36. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "Your skin is so good, why do you still use a soothing treasure?"

37. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who he was looking for, but I said I wasn't here, and then he said thank you.

38. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Please sit down."

Sit down, I'll go to the bathroom and pour you a cup of tea! "

39. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. On one occasion, a mm got on the bus without a seat.

Hello, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I am a

Laugh till you get off ~!

40. In college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not.

Not stupid!

4 1, a buddy of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, the meal came and two people entered a house.

Arriving at the beef noodle restaurant, the girl shouted to the master: Hey, pull two bowls ~ ~ Lamian Noodles's master said: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

42. When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shout in the room: The new ice cream is hot.

Yes (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

43 once the leader of the Education Bureau inspected the exercises between classes. After that, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, they forgot their words and held back.

After a long time, I shouted: "Retreat!"

44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. At that time, I climbed halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. I saw an Obama buying souvenirs on the roadside.

Go up and ask, "Wife ..."

45. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG just

Please, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM really couldn't stand it, shouting at the teacher, you see, I don't want to (touch) him, he

I have to (touch) silence ~ ~! ! !

46. One day, I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call him uncle, but he said wrong, "Dad,

Come and sit down! "~ ~ cold! A group of classmates laughed to death.

47. My colleague argued with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

48. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. After that, I roared with all my strength.

"I won't marry (lend) you." At that time, the students immediately quieted down.

49. Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted loudly: Give me a song "Double Jay" every week. ......

I spit on your face!

5 1 I went to work this morning to catch the bus. When we arrived at the platform, the bus had already started. So I had to chase and shout:

"Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! "

Then a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me, "Wukong, stop chasing."

A customer stormed into the tailor's shop.

He pointed to the fashion designed by the shopkeeper for him and said, "I stood on the street corner yawning, and two people put letters in my mouth!" " "

A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time. He was very nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn. Pupils gritted their teeth and took a few steps to the center of the stage: teachers and classmates, the topic I recited was: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves are red) ...

I am still a primary school student, and I am particularly envious when I see the students who read the composition assigned by the teacher. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. End of opportunity

Here comes Yu.

So-and-so, read your composition to everyone

Pupils stand up: "My teacher". Teacher, I look like your mother. ......

This time, I am an unskilled song and dance host.

At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready. The performance is in turn. It's her turn to announce: audience friends, please listen next.

Du Zi Du Zi played flute. ......

My family often grows green onions in flowerpots in winter to keep them fresh and tender. My sister saw it when she came home during the Spring Festival. She was very happy with my mother.

Say: hey! Mom, this is so rude ... Mom and I both laughed.

57. A neighbor named Auntie goes to work by bike every day. Early in the morning, I met her at the door. I smiled and said politely, Aunt,

Big class ... bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.

One day, classmate Jane doe felt sorry for herself and suddenly turned to the person behind her and said, Is my chest hair nice? He was taken aback and said, "Oh, I am. “

I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce.

When I was a primary school student, I made a resolution at the school meeting: we should learn the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army climbing the snowy mountain grassland. From then on.

Deprived of political speech for life!

When I was 60 years old, my father told me that there was a text about Liu Hulan in the Chinese book. When Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japanese that she saved the whole country.

When the villagers were alive, an old man stood up and saved her. The line is: Xiaoxiangzi, are you crazy? ! But in the era of * * *, poor.

Rural children read aloud: little madman, do you smell good?

6 1 In high school, the teacher asked me to read the text at the same table. The girl has always been famous for her vivid reading, and she also held her textbook that day.

Read aloud:

..... In the snowstorm, he clung to the sentry and held a steel gun tightly in his hand ...

What we hear is that .....

..... He stuck to the post in the snowstorm, clutching a pen in his hand. ......

..... There was silence in the classroom, the teacher fell down with a smile, and then the students fell down. ....

Everybody stand up! Raise the national flag and play the national anthem. ...

I take my son to feed the ducks. He ran after the duck while scattering bread crumbs, and I ran after him with his apple (he didn't

Yes, I can only find a chance to give him a few bites when he is distracted. He kept running, and I kept calling him to come and have a bite of an apple.

Chasing ducks again! Having kept repeating this sentence, I finally shouted: Have a bite of duck ..... and then step on the brakes skillfully.

I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in the mountain, which was one of mine.

When a female classmate was reading aloud, she also said loudly and passionately: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain. There was a rag hanging on the mountain. . . The whole class.

I was shocked.

There is also a sentence from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here are owned by the lords (referring to the rich).

As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. At the same time, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully:

So where do the old ladies live?

The most classic thing is that I once watched Tao talk about his embarrassing story when he was the host, and never said that the opening ceremony was a curtain call ... What excites me most is that.

He said that once when he was hosting a party, he calmly walked up and said affectionately, Friends, have you seen the Yellow River? You know this is our mother.

Kiss the river ~ ~

After introducing the Yellow River affectionately, he said, Let's listen to Song of the Yangtze River.

Once I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

68. Going home at the weekend, I started smoking after dinner. I'm going to find an excuse to go for a walk. While changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I said, "Go for a walk.

It's smoking "。 As a result, dad found a pack of white generals from me and gave me a good K.

In the computer class, a classmate had a problem with his machine, so he shouted; "Boss, change the plane!"

Once I went to McDonald's to buy a cone, and finally it was my turn. I can't wait to say, "Give me two rollers!" " "I didn't expect the waiter to treat me badly.

Sound theory; "Two rollers, four dollars!" .

7 1 I met a girl I've been longing for for for a long time and came out of the bathhouse. I wanted to make friends with her, and I held back for a long time before saying, "Go take a shower, there are many men in it."

Not much? "。

A teacher played mahjong all night. When he saw that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who will do the village today?" Don't clean the blackboard! " .

The teacher asked me to do my homework. If I can't do it, I'll copy from others. Then I go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" " " .

On the day of driving test, a gentleman was particularly nervous. Embarrassed, the examiner told him to park where there was a fire hydrant on the roadside. This Curtis is nervous.

He said: "report the fire hydrant, there is an examiner on the roadside, no parking!" " " .

When KFC just produced the best popcorn, an old lady ran to the waiter and said, "Give me the best diced chicken." Laugh to death ~ ~ ~ ~

In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher, help me turn on the cheater."

In order to commemorate him in the future, we always shout at the teacher at the physical education class: "Master! He cheated while driving! "

Buy oranges, boss: 1 yuan 5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

Eat 78 a day. . .

"Rice, why hasn't my young lady come yet? Hurry up. "

79. Just now, I was eating cream cake while reading this article. Gg next to him suddenly said, Can peas grow cream like this? . . Sudden cold

In the internet cafe, I was thinking about getting off the plane. I wanted to say check out, so I shouted, "Boss, stop the plane!" " "