Want some jokes by SMS, be funny and be civilized! No adult jokes!

A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, eat cucumber and pull watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it." The man went back in January, and the street where he lost his money was dug up to build roads. He couldn't help but sigh, "Everything in Shanghai is real."

One day, a Mr. Zhang left the personnel department of the company and went to a bar. The bartender said, Mr. Zhang, I heard that you lost your job recently? ! When Mr. Zhang panicked, the bartender quickly changed his mouth. I heard you were absent? !

A young lady had a miscarriage, and the doctor deliberately made it very painful. The young lady shouted: it hurts! I can't stand it! Doctor: If you can't stand it, you have to endure it. Don't come to me when you feel better.

In front of the counter of Lamian Noodles's store, a beautiful girl is waiting in line. When she arrived, Master Lamian Noodles asked, Do you want a thick one or a thin one? Girl: I'll eat whatever you pull.

Bookstore clerk with a straight face: don't look, this is a book seller, not a library! Customer: What's your attitude? You didn't smile. Shop assistant: Are you here to buy a book or a smile?

A meteor flashed in the night sky, and I quickly made a wish, hoping that you could become more beautiful. Who knows that just made a wish, the meteor came back and said to me: big brother! It really embarrassed me, didn't it? !

An accident, the boy donated blood to his girlfriend. After breaking up, the boy asked for his blood. Girls throw sanitary napkins in boys' faces: "Here! I will pay you back in installments every month! "

The beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in being stupid without regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.

Yuan is studying in other places. One day, he found that his living expenses had been used up in advance and was busy telegraphing home for help. There were only four words on the telegram: A Yuan received a phone call from home a few days after he ran out of ammunition and food: Hold on!

You know our friendship means a lot to me. I cry when you cry, and I laugh when you laugh. When you jump off a tall building, I will stick my head out without hesitation: "Wow! Strangely, not dead! "

I heard that your mobile phone doesn't have short message function, so I sent this short message to try. If you receive it and confirm that it has SMS function and it is not sent by me, please reply to me: I do, it is yours!

Single Xiao Wang asked Lao Li: Why does the law stipulate that a man can only marry one wife? Lao Li said earnestly: When you have a wife, you will find that this law actually protects men.

A bad wolf came out for food and heard a woman lecturing her child: If you cry again, I will throw you out to feed the wolf! As a result, the wolf waited all night and said, shit! The old lady broke her word!

A young man farted on the bus, and the woman sitting next to him said, "bah!" " The young man asked unhurriedly, Comrade, why did you spit out the nuts when you ate fart?

Music is played every time the pigsty is fed. Pregnant sows always enjoy themselves in secluded places, and their owners come to chase her. The sow said, "Don't make any noise, I'm giving prenatal education."

Health tip: After a full meal, don't smoke, take a bath, get angry, loosen your belt under temptation, brush your teeth, go to the toilet or drink alcohol. Do you know that?/You know what?

The white rabbit escaped from the gray wolf, who was indignant and chased after him. The rabbit dressed up as a gray rabbit and read the newspaper with glasses. The wolf asked, can you see a white rabbit? Rabbit: Is it the white rabbit that the wolf spoiled? Wolf Shame: Shit! It's in the newspaper so soon?

I have a request: invite me to dinner, I hope you can satisfy me. Otherwise, I'll write your mobile phone number on the wall and add two words in front of it: apply for a certificate.

When Friar Sand was taking a math test, the invigilator stared at the beads around his neck for a long time and sneered: Hey, hey! Camouflage the abacus like this, don't cheat, and take it off quickly!

When I saw her face with a shy and lovely expression, I couldn't help but tremble and ask in a low voice, "What about you ... do you really like me?" She buried her head and said, "Guess!" "I like it ~" Her face is redder and her head is lower. "Guess again!"

When we were young, we didn't guess. I sing and you dance. I can sing 200 songs and you can dance 200 dances, so people affectionately call me 200 songs and you 200 dances.

In science class. The teacher asked Yingying: When is the best time to pick cherries? Yingying blushed and whispered, when no one is around!

A game is being eliminated, and the most useless person is dismissed. Suddenly, someone told Xiao Liu: "The secretary asked if you used the assessment form?" Liu Chong Jr. explained to the director, "I'm useless! I am really useless!

The traffic police said to the driver, "Where's your taillight?" The driver turned around and said in surprise, "Never mind the rear light, the key is where is my rear trailer?"

I received a letter from a guy yesterday, saying that he would kill me if I didn't leave his wife. If you leave his wife, you are finished! A: But that guy didn't sign the letter!

Do you know where God lives? In the bathroom. A: Why? Because every morning when I hear my father knocking on the toilet door, he always says,' God, why are you still in there?'

Customer: Why does your dog like to watch you get a haircut? Barber: Oh, because sometimes I accidentally cut off customers' ears.

A group of foreigners were shopping in China and found a sign at the door that said "Be careful when skating". The international students laughed. People in China are really interesting. Think of this as a roller skating rink. Let's skate carefully!

When I was in college, I had a buddy in my dormitory. One day, I sang Xiao Qi's Wave After Wave: I want you to watch me and swim in the water with that turtle. . .

A man took off his clothes and showed his girlfriend his biceps, saying it was equivalent to 50 kilograms of explosives. He also took off his trousers and pointed to his thigh and said, "This is equivalent to 100 kg of explosives. Then he took off his underwear, and his girlfriend rushed to the door and exclaimed, "Oh, my God! The lead is so short. "

Gohan and Stupid Bear are drunk. Gofan said to the stupid bear, I knelt down for a whole hour when I proposed to my wife. Are you on your knees? Stupid bear proudly said: My wife said I wouldn't kneel, and there will be many opportunities in the future! ......

Bin Laden wrote a letter to Bush: qs-IHSIN, but Bush didn't understand it and the FBI could do nothing, so he sent it to British MI 6. The answer is: the president holds it backwards and reads it in Chinese Pinyin!

One day when you were walking in the street, you were stopped and said you were ugly, but you refused to admit it, and you were beaten: hypocrisy! I was stopped the next day and called you ugly. You admit being beaten: you are not modest! On the third day, I was stopped again, afraid to respond. I was beaten even worse: ugly is so shameful!

There is a flat-chested girl. She was afraid that her boyfriend would know that she was disgusted and never told him. The first time they went to bed, they turned off the lights and got into bed. The man began to touch the girl's chest. Then the boy said, honey, don't sleep on your stomach!

I looked at the starry sky and counted the days when I met you. It's been more than three years, we've only met twice, and you're still here. But please don't blame me for not visiting you often, but … the zoo is too far from my home!

When Fang and her boyfriend are dating in the Woods, they can hear her ugly voice singing. Xiao Fang: You scared everyone else in the forest away by singing like that! Boyfriend: that's what you want, otherwise how can you clear the field!

What should I do if I am hungry? Have a hot pot rinse! What if you are thirsty? Walk around the river! What if I have no money? Find a fool to cheat! What if you have no guts? Practice with bin Laden! What should I do if I miss you? Look at the pigsty!

After a student born on the edge of Taklimakan desert was admitted to the university, the villagers beat gongs and drums to celebrate. Tears welled up in his eyes. I was just about to thank you, but I accidentally heard an old man shout: another person is missing to grab water with us!

There is still one lap to run. He has run 44 laps. I looked at him anxiously. He ran so leisurely. I silently counted: five, four, three, two, one! Bell ... class is over!

There is red-cooked chicken on the lunch menu in the canteen, which costs 80 cents each. On the way to the canteen, Xiaoli met a classmate who had already bought a meal and asked, What's delicious at noon? The classmate replied: red-cooked chicken is 80 cents!

After the female secretary participated in the activities of environmental protection day, health day and earth day, the director of the office informed her that she would also participate in water saving day and give a speech. The female secretary was furious: I really can't stand it today and tomorrow!

Wukong, you clean the glass; Friar Sand, mop the floor. Bajie, the master knows your situation very well. After careful consideration, he decided to give you a chance to show-after reading this message, go and clean the girls' toilet!

Don't look down, look down, I told you not to look, you don't believe it, your pants chain is not pulled.

I haven't lied until now, but today God let me meet you, and I can finally start lying: you are so handsome and cool.

The highest way to pick up girls: tear your face, put aside your self-esteem, empty your wallet, empty your mind and run out of time and energy. Nothing can't be soaked!

Daughter-in-law washes and cooks, and her husband boasts, "I'm so happy!" " Daughter-in-law brushes the pot and washes the dishes, and her husband praises: "Capable, I am so happy!" In the evening, the husband wants to make out. The daughter-in-law said, "For your happiness, don't do anything."

Dragonfly meets his girlfriend' Cicada'. The mother asked her son: What does she do? The son replied: She is a singer. Mom snorted and said, what singer? Didn't you dig tunnels before?