Greet friends.

In daily life, what humorous jokes can be used to greet friends around you? I have arranged daily humorous jokes and greetings for your friends, hoping to help you!

Greeting friends with daily humorous jokes (20 17 latest edition)

1, two friends who specialize in freeloading meet.

A:? Dude. I always see your pockets full of old envelopes, toilet paper and cigarette cases. What is the function?

b:？ Having dinner with friends, when I was about to finish calculating the bill, I said, I'll do it! I will/on the one hand take these old envelopes and pieces of paper out of my clothes? Take them out one by one, and when you finish eating, your friends have already paid the bill. ?

A:? My method is different from yours. I always chew things up when I eat, so when I eat with others. Always the last to finish. This means not only paying attention to hygiene, eating carefully, but also not being a host. ?

2. A pig said: Hello, everyone, I am a pig, and I am honored that I was born by my mother.

The dog doesn't feel right Gee, I'm still a son of a bitch

The rabbit changed the subject in one sentence: mother called me rabbit paper.

......

A young police officer wanted to make a phone call, but he had no change. So he stopped a veteran crossing the street: Do you have any change? Staff sergeant. ?

? Let me find it for you. ? The veteran reached for his wallet.

? Is that how you answer the second lieutenant? Do it again. Do you have any change on hand? Staff sergeant! ?

? Report, sir, no! ? The veteran answered decisively.

This message is made of metal. Lay the floor, I wish you: iron nail success, aluminum career innovation, healthy zinc and zinc prosperity, life will always be rich, and your mood will always be good! Note: no radiation, you can rest assured to forward!

5. The classmate violated discipline seriously in class, so the teacher dragged him to the corridor and beat him. Students shouted: Do you dare to hit people? Teacher: Does anyone know that I hit you? Does anyone know? As soon as the students ponder, their hearts will cross? Then the teacher was taken to the hospital!

6. There are many frogs on the Internet, but maybe you can find a frog prince. There are many dinosaurs on the Internet, but maybe you can find a dinosaur princess. Summary? Online dating is similar to buying lottery tickets. If you meet the right one, you will get a prize. If you encounter something wrong, it will be considered as a donation to charity.

7、? Do you like confused women? No?

? Neither will a woman who likes to smoke all day. ?

? Women who can't even cook don't like it even more. ?

? Then, you must like a woman who talks all day. Nonsense, I hate it. ?

? That's weird. Then why are you always so attentive to please my wife?

8. Mr. Votini lives in a hotel.

? Waiter, at night, when I woke up, guess what I saw? I saw two mice fighting in the middle of the house, which was disgusting. ?

? Sir, you think that if you spend 36 crowns to stay in our hotel, I will entertain Spain for you.

Bullfighting?

9. The young couple met a beautiful girl in the street, so he set his eyes on her. The girl went, so did he. When the girl found out, she stopped and asked, Who are you? Why do you always follow me?

? Your beautiful appearance attracted me. ? Two generations of love admitted it.

? What can attract you to me? The girl asked.

? You are like a blooming flower! ? Two generations of love theory.

? Look at you, ugly as a spider. Who wants you? The girl said.

? No, you are wrong, I am like a bee! ? Two generations of love replied.

10, 1, coax women to hang up QQ for at least two hours every day, and it will be sunny after a certain number of days?

2, the wife is a TV, the lover is a mobile phone, watching TV at home, going out with a mobile phone; Sell TV in bankruptcy and get rich with mobile phones; Watch TV occasionally and play mobile phone all day; Fixed TV, mobile phone; The channel is free and the mobile phone charges. Men want to watch TV on their mobile phones.

3, people have plenty of background, but I only have one back ~ ~.

4. Flowers often don't belong to people who appreciate flowers, but to cow dung.

The difference between a lie and an oath is that the listener takes it seriously and the speaker takes it seriously.

6. Gold that doesn't want to be deformed is not good steel!

7. If a woman's unit sends a thousand dollars, she will tell the man that she sent a thousand dollars and tell her friends that she sent five hundred dollars. When a man sends a thousand dollars, he will tell a woman that he sent 500 dollars and a friend that he sent 1,500 dollars.

Greeting friends with daily humorous jokes (classic edition)

1. The pilot of a certain flight landed the plane heavily on the runway when landing. Airlines have regulations that when passengers get off the plane, the captain must stand at the door and see the passengers off with a smile. Thank you for taking this flight. ? Because it was not easy to land this time, when he stood in the hatch and said this, he didn't dare to look at the passengers at all, for fear that someone would laugh at him.

All the passengers got off the plane except an old lady on crutches. She said:? Son, may I ask a question? Certainly, madam. What questions do you want to ask? Did we land or were we shot down?

2. Children talk nonsense: the teacher said that the egg was laid by the hen and the duck egg was laid by the mother duck. This preserved egg must have been laid by Songhua. But I don't know what Songhua looks like.

3, Shuai Guo: Aunt, I am as beautiful as Feng Jie, raising my hand and drooling. In my dream, I kicked you over the bed, ate a table shyly, and smiled and dumped Brother Sharp. I was in a hurry to smash the pot, in order to send a text message to Shuai Guo.

4. teacher:? Baker, why does the rocket run so fast?

Baker:? Whose ass is on fire, don't run like hell! ?

5. Husband and wife are eating seafood stalls. Husband:? I need to eat more oysters, oysters are an aphrodisiac! ? Wife:? Well, it works. It used to be 1 minute, but now it's 3 minutes! ?

6. The teacher gives homework to the students? Extraordinary? Make sentences with one word.

Xiaosan won't ask Dad directly. Dad thought about it and said, let's put it this way: if you write on square paper, you won't write anything more.

7. When I saw you that day, I was holding a telephone pole with an explosive head, dancing with excitement, blushing and heartbeat. I asked you what you were so happy about, and my lips trembled for a long time before I squeezed out a sentence: I was shocked!

8. A company leader makes a summary. He read: monks with diplomas, cadres without diplomas! Just reading this, the audience laughed. The leader said angrily, what's so funny? Monks can get diplomas, and cadres should work harder!

9. A group of young people surrounded the two generations of love and said: Uncle Two Generations of Love, I heard that you cheated Satan. We don't believe that you can fool others, but you can't fool us. Please show your deception! ?

? We'll talk about it later. I don't have time now. ? Two generations of love theory.

? What's your hurry? The young man asked.

? Please, leave me alone. Otherwise, I won't see her until I come back. ? Two generations of love look very anxious.

? Where the hell are you going? Tell us, pleaded the young man.

? It is said that there is a beautiful and graceful woman in the neighboring village who is getting married today. It is a lifelong regret not to see her. I must see her before the groom picks her up. Get off me! ? Two generations of love theory.

......

10, Henry drove his new car to the suburbs at high speed. Suddenly, he saw a sign standing at the intersection leading to the mountain road: Don't gamble on your life? This is your last trump card.

Driving in dense fog is very dangerous, especially in your mind.

Remember, nature is not perfect. It has spare parts for cars, but what about people? number

1 1. The coach comforted the lost boxer. It doesn't matter. In the third game, didn't you also release it?

He was scared to death. ?

? He's afraid of me, too?

? Yes, he thought he killed you. ?

Lao Zhang in the office is famous for his wit.

One day, Xiao Wang found a special topic to spite him.

Xiao Wang said: Lao Zhang! Do you know what the worst thing in the world is?

Lao Zhang said he didn't know.

Xiao Wang said: A man is dead, and his money has not been spent. ?

Everyone looked at Lao Zhang and thought he had nothing to say this time!

Who knows Lao Zhang paused and immediately said: Xiao Wang! Do you know what the worst thing in the world is?

Xiao Wang said he didn't know.

Lao Zhang said:? Is a man who has spent all his money and is not dead. ?

13, a quack is sitting in the consulting room, feeling his pulse with two fingers, writing down a prescription in a few words, four eyes flashing green, five fingers reaching out to you, six digits are not enough, you are so angry!

14, there were two men and a beautiful woman who swam to a desert island after sinking. What will happen between them? If those two people are Italian, they will fight, and then the winner will be a beautiful woman; If those two people are French, they will get along well and share the beauty; If those two people are English, they will try to murder that beautiful woman, and then they will get together by themselves; If those two people are Singaporeans, they will only wait for Mr. Li's instructions.

15, Guanguan Luogui, in Hezhou; My fair lady is poor. The power of paper money is loved by the world; My Fair Lady, who wants it? Welcome, who wants to marry me, carefree and single. I want a wife. Who loves me?

16, 1. A male deer walked faster and faster, and finally became a road (deer)! !

2. Two tomatoes crossed the road, and a car sped by. One of them couldn't escape and was squashed. The other tomato pointed to the squashed tomato and laughed. Hahaha! ketchup

There is a duck named Xiao Huang. One day, it was hit by a car. It shouted: Gung! ? From then on it became a cucumber! !

One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, Dad, am I a stupid child? Dad said: silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?

5. Why did Xiao Ming fall? Please think twice? Because the floor is slippery!

6. Glass and coffee cups cross the road together. Suddenly someone shouted:? Cars? Faber? As a result, the glass was hit by a car and the coffee cup was fine. Why? Because coffee cups have ears!

......

17, I am the general of the Forbidden City. To put it bluntly, people came in and I gave them a curtain. When I was appointed as the shutter general, I was so excited that I stayed up all night. The next day, I realized that General Shutter did this, which made me angry with the stars.

Speaking of this heavenly palace, the shape is really small and there are many rules. You call the curtain picker a curtain picker and a general, which is hypocritical. But then again, it looks good. For example, if you burn a boiler in the Heavenly Palace, people will look down on you if you say you are Vulcan.

That day, I went to work for the first time and felt uncomfortable, so don't mention it. Then came an old man with a board on his head, followed by an umbrella player. Later, I learned that the man holding the umbrella was called Marshal Tian Peng, who was one level higher than me.

......

18. Recently, the weather is like a girl's face in love, and it changes as soon as it changes; Like the face of a lovelorn girl, cold; Like a girl's face when she broke up, gloomy. Therefore, love looks at the face, go out to see the sky, and friendship looks at the color. I wish you a colorful life!

19 You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as romantic as the moon, as warm as the sun, as strong as an ox, and as tolerant as the sea. In a word, you are nothing like human beings!

20. Marriage and stock trading do have many similarities:

Just talking about friends. What's their name? Open up markets?

Engagement phone? Enter the market? ;

Wedding call? Deal? ;

First marriage phone? Primitive shares? ;

Divorced after marriage, and the other party took a lot of money, called? Cutting meat? ;

What is the name of the disharmony between the two parties after marriage? Step on the air? ;

The marriage is dull and helpless. Locked up? ;

This kind of marriage, after a lot of thinking, finally divorced, what is it called? Uncover? ;

Married for three to five years, the relationship is good and bad, what is it called? Box arrangement? ;

The complete breakdown of marriage is irreversible. Collapse? ;

It is interesting and vivid to use stock market terms to compare the situation of marriage and love:

When you are in love, you are often very picky, such as choosing a partner? Stock picking? ;

Greeting friends with daily humorous jokes (popular version)

1, a brother went to the toilet and ended up in the ladies' room by mistake. When I went in, I found that there was no urinal, and it felt wrong. Fortunately, there is no one in the ladies' room. He walked out casually. When I opened the door, I met a mm who came in. Face to face with him, blushed, lowered his head and turned to drill in the men's room.

2. Jiang Wen: Let the bullets fly. Development and Reform Commission: Let the price fly. PetroChina: Let the oil price fly. Ministry of Housing and Urban-Rural Development: Let house prices fly. Tax official: Let the tax fly. Grain Bureau: Let grain and oil fly. Foxconn: Let employees fly. People: Let the tears fly.

A woman brought a lot of money to the market to buy things, but she took one with her on the way.

I lost my bag. Go home, her? Active? To the husband? Report? :? The people in the market today

So many, crowded and crowded, many people lost their bags.

The husband asked her, then you lost your bag, too. ?

The woman said:? If you are a hero, you must lose it! ?

Husband is frightened: Have you lost your money?

The woman replied:? Don't worry about this. I'll tie the silverware tightly to the corner of the bag.

In the room! ?

4, 1. If your opponent falls into the water, how will you pee?

2. Do men who smoke smell, or do men who drink smell without taking a bath?

Your ex is married. Would you like to attend his wedding? I just want to attend his funeral!

4. Someone throws oil all over you and says to you, Don't worry, it's all automatic. Why did you hit him with kidney deficiency and tell him? Don't worry, there are Liuwei Dihuang pills, which treat kidney deficiency and contain no sugar. ?

Seriously, have you had plastic surgery? Is my stomach bulging?

6. Freckles, high myopia, pie face, elephant legs, thick waist, let you choose a wife, do you choose me or a man?

7. Liu Xiang: China speed! Yao Ming, the height of China! You! China's weight?

......

The drunk went to the ATM to withdraw money, but the card was taken away by the ATM. Eat? Yes, the drunkard is in a hurry. An acquaintance happened to pass by, so give him a suggestion and pour the wine in quickly. The drunkard asked: Why? The acquaintance smiled: if you drink too much, it will vomit!

6. A father just passed away, and he found a Taoist priest to cross over and die. The Taoist asked for 1000 yuan, and the price of A was 800 yuan, so the Taoist agreed. So the Taoist priest chanted:? Please go to the east. Oh, my God, to the East. ? Qi Jia said:? Why not go to heaven? The Taoist priest said:? 1000 yuan to the west, 800 yuan can only go to the east! ? A had no choice but to agree to pay 1000 yuan. Taoist changed his mouth:? Please go to heaven, go to heaven. ? At this moment, the father's scolding came from the coffin. You unfilial son, you made me run around for a mere $200. ?

7, 1. You finally made it. I've been looking for you for years. What did you do on Mars? I'm going to Pluto now and I'll tell you something later. Don't go away!

2. The subscriber you dialed has not installed OICQ?

3. The host is away. Where have you been? Just? Just don't tell you! If you really want to find it, please press the computer power button for 4 seconds and leave a message?

If you need me, please shout!

5.di？ This is an automatic reply, MM please send it again and I will contact you; JJ, please send it twice, and I'll contact you. GG, DD, don't send it again, because I won't contact you if I send it!

You have the right to remain silent, and everything you say will be recorded. You can ask the proxy server. If you can't afford it, the network will assign you one.

8. Once, a president went to visit the queen of another country. The Queen cruised around the capital with him in a royal carriage pulled by six pure-bred royal shepherds. Suddenly, one of the horses let out a loud fart, and the smell quickly filled the whole carriage. The queen in the carriage was embarrassed by this sudden situation.

? I'm very sorry about that. After a while, the queen said shyly? You know, even as a queen, I can't avoid such a thing. ?

? Oh, that's all right. The president said casually, but before you explained, I thought it was a horse.

9. A person's mother-in-law died. He asked Mr. Xue in the village to write a eulogy for him. Mr. Xue found a notebook, dug out an article on ancestor worship, copied it down word by word and handed it to him.

The man looked at the eulogy for a long time and then turned back, saying that someone else was invited to read it. People said that the eulogy was written wrong.

Hearing this, Mr. Xue said angrily, Who said I made a mistake? Show him my notebook, I didn't even copy a word wrong! Unless the wrong person died in your family! ?

10, your life portrayal: Will you take a bath by yourself at the age of ten? Pigs are self-cleaning; 20 years old and radiant? When the pig is young; Looking for a job at 30? Pig business; Hired a servant at forty? Pigs are hired; Can you still play basketball at the age of fifty? Pig vote!

1 1. What a painful understanding. Seeing the news, Li Ka-shing ranked the richest man in China with US$ 3 1 100 million, equivalent to RMB1922 million. What is the concept of so much money? Do the math. For example, buying a two-color ball can win 5 million. The two-color ball is opened three times a week, 52 weeks a year, and can win 156 times. One year is $780 million. Finally, it is concluded that it will take 246 years to be as rich as Li Ka-shing without paying taxes? I thought I would become rich, but I didn't. I just stare at your wealth and give you my last blessing. What a painful understanding! Good luck!

12, entering the year end, jokes and slips of the tongue keep coming. Let's take a look at these and pay attention to the last meaning, HOHO.

A buddy gets married and gives a red envelope. Dude, say no politely.

I said, that won't do. Once a year, be sure to bring it.

Once I borrowed money from others, what I want to say is? I'll pay you back when I get the money?

Say? When I get rich, I'll take you there?

anxious

One of my classmates, Yu Jingbo, wrote a letter one day, and the dormitory doorman shouted at the dormitory door: A letter of dried cold rice noodles!

Our Chinese teacher: Please change your book into one dollar.

The whole class is dizzy. What's the teacher's nickname? Money fan? Hmm. How interesting

Once a friend watched a CD at home, and the quality of the CD was not good. The friend said:? Why are there so many Max? It took a long time to realize that he was referring to Massek!

......

13, rabbits and giraffes are more beautiful. Rabbit said: I am charming and lovely, and my skin is soft. Giraffe said: I am tall, with a good figure, a high neck and a high vision. The rabbit replied, what should you do if you feel queasy and want to vomit?

14, providing a beautiful environment and bridging your development; Create a warm atmosphere and pave the way for health. I will help you in your glory; You gave me what I wanted. Please keep in mind my hard work and the lucky road to the world famous dog!

15, a man who thinks he has a glib tongue asks Afandi:? Two generations of love, when will human beings be born and die?

Two generations of love answer boring people:? Until heaven and hell are full. ?

16, a drunk was sitting in a small hotel and saw a guy coming in with a duck under his arm and asked: What did you do to that pig?

The guy said:? This is not a pig, but a duck. ? The drunk immediately pushed back:? I said it to the duck. ?

17, Lao Liang is a scum mixed with the underworld. One day, Lao Liang was ill and went to the hospital with a stomachache.

When I arrived at the hospital, the registered nurse asked, What's your name?

Lao Liang: A Liang.

Nurse: What about Liang?

Lao Liang was angry: Fuck Li Liang. (Fuck you)

The nurse was startled. -! ! Mr. Liang.

See a doctor. Doctor:? What is this?

Lao Liang: Doctor, I have a terrible stomachache these days. I eat whatever I eat.

Doctor:? What do you eat when you pull?

Lao Liang wanted to get angry, but the thought of relying on him put up with it. He has been dealt with.

Say politely: Doctor, you smiled. My stomach really hurts badly. Please help me. ?

The doctor said: just a priori. ?

18, a general led two cruisers to sail. One day, after drinking, he went to the deck to inspect, holding a telescope and saying to his companion: This fleet should have two cruisers. Why is the other one missing?

After waiting for a while, the general was furious when he saw that no one answered. What happened? Where did the other ship go? Idiot! ?

The guard summoned up his courage and stammered, Report, sir! A boat? Do you have a boat? At your feet! ?

One day, a man walked into a bar and shouted:? Two glasses of wine! ?

The waiter said, sir, why do you want two cups?

The man said: one for himself and one for his friend. He was very ill and was admitted to the hospital. I'll drink for him. ?

The next day, he walked into the bar again and said:? Have a drink! ?

The waiter said with concern, is your friend dead?

The man was furious:? That's bullshit！ ?

The waiter said, why do you only have one drink?

The man said: Because I quit drinking. ?

20. Oh, no, I almost miss you. I forgot to pay for things, and pork vermicelli was no longer greedy. 1+ 1=3 It's hard to cry RMB into dollars!