A joke told to his girlfriend.

Jokes are short in length, simple and ingenious in story, often unexpected, giving people a wonderful feeling of being suddenly enlightened. Most of them reveal absurd phenomena in life, which are ironic and entertaining. There are different tastes. The following are the jokes I collected for you about telling your girlfriend for your reference, hoping to help friends in need.

The joke told to my girlfriend is 1 1. My wife saw the courier, and a brick represents singleness. She turned to me and asked, "Husband, she is so romantic. What would you give me if it were you? "

Without thinking, I replied, "Peach's heart is pinched by dung."

My wife asked me what I stood for, and I replied beautifully, "My heart is falling."

2. A friend is short, runs in the family, and neither father nor grandfather is tall.

When he was in junior high school, his father encouraged him to say, son, talk about a person first, before others grow up.

3. Go to my father's in-laws for the New Year. There are four wives and sisters, she is the youngest, and all three brothers-in-law are here.

When I caught up with Bao jiaozi, my father-in-law asked me if I wanted to pack jiaozi. Of course I said yes.

My father-in-law smiled and said, "It happened that the four of us were playing poker. Go and accompany them to pack jiaozi. "

4. a: "this gentleman! A charity nursing home will be built in the local area. I hope everyone can respond to the donation. Contribute a strength! "

B: "OK, but I don't have any cash on me. I'll sign a check for you! "

A: "Well, sir, I'm sorry, you didn't sign it."

B: "I never leave my name when I do good deeds!" " "

Grandpa wants a pedometer. Dad bought him one. I bought myself a more expensive and better one by the way.

As a result, grandpa took a fancy to the latter and took it away without hesitation.

Grandma comforted dad and said that your dad is like this, burning buns and being greedy.

Dad said publicly that it was nothing. If he wants it, give it to him.

Grandma looked eagerly at another pedometer in her father's hand and said, like me, I'm not too picky. ...

Dad silently gave her the other one.

6. I went to buy a bottle of Hezheng after work. The boss searched for a long time, but couldn't find it. It's probably sold out.

The boss shouted a word that people all over the world didn't believe: "He Qi is going to change her name to Jiaduobao!"

Finally, I took Jiaduobao and left. ...

7. I got up in a good mood in the morning, so I said to my husband with freshness: "I wake up every day to see you and the sunshine, that's the future I want!"

I find it particularly touching!

The second husband said, "Who is Yang Guang?"

8. There is a beautiful new girl in the company. After working for a few days, I heard that I resigned, so I talked to her.

"Xiaomei heard that you resigned, and many boys in the unit are ready to chase you!"

My sister was suspicious and said, "A lot? There are only three boys in the company! If you remove those two married people, aren't you the only boy? "

A joke for my girlfriend 2 1. In the middle of the night, if a wicked man puts a knife to your neck and says you have one minute, you can call anyone except your parents and ask him to pick you up. Don't say superfluous words. If he agrees to come, I will let you go. If he doesn't want to come, I will kill you. Who will you call? A: Hello, I want 1 Big Mac, 1 McNugget, 1 Big Potato, 1 Coke.

The couple snuggled up sweetly in the park. Men can't help sneaking around when they see that women's hair is so supple. The woman said coily, alas! Damn it! The man's heart itched even more, and he stole it again. The woman said, well, no! Hearing this, the man's heart was about to fly, and he touched it again. Suddenly, the woman stood up and said rudely, don't touch it! My wig is falling off! ! !

When Li Si received his salary, he found that he was short of ten dollars, so he asked the cashier angrily. The cashier said, "Last month, you were anxious to give ten yuan more?" Li Si said: "An occasional mistake can be forgiven, but the second mistake can't be tolerated."

I once read a story that Einstein was not good at math when he was a child. His test score was only 65,438+0, but after studying hard, he became the greatest physicist, which was very encouraging. However, what the storyteller doesn't know is that Einstein's children's shoes went to primary school in Germany! Germany 1 is a perfect score!

5. The pain is not writing a paper, but knowing that what you write is rubbish; What is more painful is that you write a piece of garbage so slowly because you try to keep it from being so garbage; What is more painful is that when you write it, it is still rubbish; Of course, the most painful thing is that you can't even write garbage.

6. Please ask those enterprises that use leather shoes to make yogurt and capsules to try to use imported leather shoes in the future. In this case, the side effects will be lower.

7. Yawning means that your body sends a signal that the power is only 10%.

I really regret not listening to my mother now. What did your mother say? I don't know. I thought I didn't listen.

9. The swimming teacher asked: All swimmers should go into the water today. A student complained, but I haven't learned to swim yet. The teacher glanced at him and said simply, anyone who doesn't enter the water will be called away on the sign-in book! The student replied piteously: I was crossed out of the household registration book when I got into the water.

10. The sorrow of every nearsighted person: the world is a plane without glasses. 30 meters away, hermaphrodite, 50 meters away, regardless of human and animal.

A joke for my girlfriend 3 1. At the wedding ceremony, the master of ceremonies "interviewed" the father-in-law standing by: "Have you always been satisfied with your daughter-in-law?" My father-in-law smiled and nodded again and again and said, "Satisfied, a hundred satisfied." The MC then asked, "So, do you want your daughter-in-law to give you a grandson or a daughter?" My father-in-law said without thinking, "Everything is fine, everything is fine."

This man keeps two hens at home. One gave birth to a big egg, and the other gave birth to a small egg. In the market, big eggs sell 1.5 yuan, and small eggs sell 1 yuan. For this reason, the man severely scolded the hen that laid small eggs. The hen retorted, "I'm not that stupid." I am so big at fifty cents! " "

3. A candidate who applied for medical school saw a question on the examination paper: Please tell me four benefits of breastfeeding. Candidates quickly wrote three answers: no need for heating, convenient to carry and more hygienic. Then he flinched ... after thinking about it, he suddenly realized that the container is pleasing to the eye! Dude, fucking genius!

4. Once, a very bad eunuch stopped Ji Xiaolan and asked him to tell a joke. Ji Xiaolan said, "Once upon a time, there was a man." Then there was a long silence, and the eunuch couldn't help asking, "What's next?" Ji Xiaolan replied: "There is nothing down there!"

5.a: Look, the boss's female secretary has been dressed like a leprechaun these two days! Come here. Smells like a slut! Don't worry! She is like a mosquito-repellent incense at dawn! What do you mean? B: it won't burn for a few laps!

At the wedding, my wife and I stood on the stage. Master of ceremonies asked: Please ask the groom to express his love for the bride in three languages. Number one: I love you. Second: I love you! I can't think of the third one. Stare blankly for five seconds, the following brothers booed. I am in a hurry: yo-ho, yo-ho, does this flower girl's land work in Costa Rica? The audience burst into laughter and the emcee collapsed.

7. At the railway station, I met a girl who looked sincere and melancholy. She claims to be a college student. Her wallet was stolen and she was cold and hungry. She asked me to do a good deed and show me her student ID card. Looking at her sincere eyes, I really wanted to pay for it, but suddenly I had a flash of light and asked her, "What is the derivative of the fourth power of A?" She froze and mumbled something. I can't see it right. Let's change it to a less difficult one: "What's the sin30 degree?" She ran away.

8. Two musicians are chatting. One said, "My first performance was a great success. I received enough flowers for my wife to open a flower shop. " Another said, "When I first performed, the audience liked me very much and gave me a house." "I don't believe they will give you a house." "It's really rewarding. One person will get a brick. "

9, the political teacher is newly married, the first part: a * * * to create a harmonious realm; Right: one in and one out, creating a new generation. Horizontal batch: life lies in sports! 2, the history teacher is married, the first part: the beauty who attacked Pearl Harbor at night was frightened; Right: Two atomic bombs, Japan and Germany surrendered, and the horizontal batch: World War II. 3, the math teacher is newly married, the first part: open brackets to solve the square and only seek the root; Right: cross the origin and curve to the end. Horizontal batch: 0 is greater than 1.

10, someone asked the director of the statistics bureau: Some people say that no one in your statistics bureau can count. Is that true? The secretary held out three fingers and said, "I gave him five words," nonsense.

1 1, m: Can we meet? Woman: No! I am a good girl, it is a principle not to meet netizens! Man: I really want to see you, okay? Woman: If you treat me as a friend, you must respect me. M: Is that video ok? Woman: OK? But I don't have a camera ~ M: I'll lend it to you. You can pick it up at the school gate at noon ~ Female: Hehe, it's too much trouble for you. What's the point? Man: 12 o'clock, be there or be square ~ woman: ok, thank you, that's very kind of you!

12, an old man's dog died. The old man packed and checked the dead dog and prepared to take it back to his hometown for a funeral. But the people at the airport didn't know it was dead when they checked in, and only when they got off the plane did they find it dead, which frightened them. I thought I killed the dog. So I sent someone to the nearby dog market and bought an identical one. Later, the old man opened his luggage and found that the dog was still alive. So the old man was scared to death.

13, today's parents' meeting ... A classmate was deeply moved, and generate was full of literary grace and lamented: The furthest distance in the world is not the distance between life and death, but your future mother-in-law is standing in front of you, but you can only call her aunt.

14. Looking back, ancient women had three obedience and four virtues. The so-called "three obedience" means: not marrying from the father, not marrying from the husband, and not marrying from the son. "Four virtues" refers to: moral character, appearance, speech and the way of managing the family, but modern women also have three obedience and four virtues. The so-called "three obedience" means never being gentle, never being considerate and never being reasonable; Fourth, say no, fight no, scold no, and provoke no.

15, the kindergarten class is rehearsing the June 1 program. Parents should participate and shout slogans when they enter. The first class shouted: primary one, win the first place; Class two shouted: Class two is unique; Class three shouted: mistress, mistress, daddy likes it!

16, at night, the last bus, a woman in white sat in the last row. The driver looked in the rearview mirror, and the woman was gone, shocked! Suddenly braking, people sitting there. Keep driving and look in the rearview mirror. The woman is gone. Brake back. The woman is now. Keep driving, look in the rearview mirror, and no more women! Suddenly, the woman came slowly, with messy hair and blood all over her face. She whispered, "Damn fairy, do you have a grudge against me?" As soon as you tie your shoelaces, brake hard "

17, the man was injured and his girlfriend took him to the hospital. In the car, my girlfriend stopped bleeding with a paper towel, and the paper towel was not enough for a while. My girlfriend got up the courage to take out a sanitary towel from her bag and put it on the man's wound, and the bleeding stopped immediately. At this time, the man began to turn purple and his face was livid. When I went to the hospital, the man was sewing a needle and the woman asked him about his illness. The doctor took a sanitary towel and said, this thing sucks blood too much! If you change another piece, it is estimated that this brother will die.

18, the four most depressing things in life: peeing; Sprinkle a crotch soup; Fart and shit; Scrape off this paper. The four most embarrassing things in life are taking a shit at a friend's house without paper; Shit at a friend's house, there is paper and no water; Shit at a friend's house, there is paper and water, and it can't be washed down; Shit at a friend's house, paper and water, washed down and floated up again ......

19, the farmer bought a box of rat poison, and the mouse ate it and left. The farmer found the businessman, and the businessman said that he would catch the mouse and send it with warm water. The farmer did it, and so did the mouse. The farmer found the merchant again, and the merchant asked, "How many times have you fed it?" The farmer replied, "Once." The businessman said, "Look at the instructions. Six boxes are a course of treatment.

20. After quarreling with my wife, I came to the room alone, closed the door and lay in bed with my eyes closed. I don't know when my son who went to kindergarten stood in front of the bed and asked in a sympathetic tone, "Are you depressed?" I opened my eyes, looked at my son and sighed. My son patted me on the shoulder and said, "Hey, women are like this!" " I have put up with her for a long time. "

2 1. A funeral car is leaving the funeral home. At this time, a child ran out, chasing the funeral car and crying: "Dad, Dad! Don't go! " People around were sympathetic to the child and were about to comfort her when the hearse suddenly stopped? The driver poked his head out of the window and said, What are you arguing about? Dad will take you to play after work.

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