Ask for the funniest text message

1, the soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

I have not heard from you for a long time, and I feel very distressed.

I thought of death. I cut my pulse with potato chips, hit my head with tofu, and parachuted upstairs.

Noodles can be inked to death.

Invited me to dinner and died.

If you feel cold, please call me! Please press 1 to talk about feelings, 2 to talk about work, 3 to talk about life, 5 to introduce me, please tell me directly when you invite me to dinner, and please hang up when you borrow money from me.

The giraffe married the monkey, and a year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I will never live such a life of jumping up and down again! Monkey is furious: leave! Who has seen kissing and climbing trees!

The fish said, "I kept my eyes open to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day, surrounding you and holding you tightly." The pot said, "It's almost fucking ripe and there's still so much nonsense."

6. Have you eaten? Please receive the short message. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. Looking up at the misty mountain peak, it couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

7, you have grown up, there are some things you should know: the sky is used for wind and rain; The land is used to grow flowers and grass; I used it to prove how great human beings are; You are used to stew vermicelli.

8. Don't worry if you don't bring paper when you are by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch!

9. Money can buy a house, but it can't buy a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!

10, God, it's so blue! Sea water, too salty! Life is too hard! Work, too annoying! And you, decree by destiny! Miss you, insomnia! It's too far to see you! What can I do? I miss you so much that I can't eat chopsticks or swallow bowls!

1 1, send you 12 Zodiac. I wish you smart as a mouse, strong as an ox, bold as a tiger, cute as a rabbit, confident as a dragon, charming as a snake, romantic as a horse, gentle as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog and looks like a pig!

12. The chimpanzee accidentally stepped on the stool pulled by the gibbon. After the gibbon cleaned it gently and carefully, they fell in love. Others asked how they got together. Chimpanzees said with emotion: ape dung! It's all ape shit!

13, the lion and the bear shit by the tree respectively. A month later, the lion found that the tree next to his stool was thicker than the bear's, so he said a philosophy full of vicissitudes-lion shit is better than bear shit!

14, think of a number in your head, add 52.8, multiply it by 5, subtract 3.9343, divide it by 0.5, and finally subtract ten times the number in your head. The answer is romantic!

15, you always fart in the office, and your colleagues can't help asking if you can keep quiet. Then I saw you sitting there shivering and asked what you were doing, and you replied that I was shaking!

16, Dear God, please bless those friends who don't call, text or miss me: May God drop their mobile phones into the toilet, amen!

17, it is said that you are cruel. You have occupied four seats opposite the theater. When someone calls you up, you only hum twice. The security guard came over and said that friends are cruel enough. Where are you? You gnashed your teeth and said, I fell down the aisle upstairs!

18, miss you, miss you, find a painter to draw you, stick you in a cup, drink water all day and watch you-are you happy? Pour a cup of boiling water and burn you to death!

19, dear users, at this time, we have deducted 20 yuan from your phone bill and dedicated it to the Palestinian national liberation cause. Therefore, the Palestinian self-government has decided to give you a lofty title in the name of the whole Arab world: Ben Shalebaki!

20. The beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in being stupid without regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.

2 1, I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you or not. Do I care about you as much as I care about you? I'm dizzy!

22. Have you ever heard of it? Looking back 500 times in previous lives, I brushed it in this life. Close friends like you and me, it seems that they didn't do anything in their last life, so they fucking turned back!

23. Two counterfeiters inadvertently made counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 yuan candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried and the farmer gave them two 7-dollar ones.

24, your life portrayal: learn to take a bath by yourself at the age of ten-pigs are self-cleaning; Twenty years old is radiant-when the pig is young; Looking for a job at the age of 30-starting a pig-raising career; At the age of forty, I hired a servant-a pig's servant; Learn to play basketball at the age of fifty-throw pigs!

25. A three-year-old boy took the hand of a three-year-old girl and said, "I love you." The little girl said, "Can you be responsible for my future?" The little boy said, "Of course, we are not one or two years old!" " "

26. I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you. Do you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all!

27. One day, I told you that you were a pig, and you said: I am a pig. So I started calling you a pig. Finally, one day you can't help but announce loudly in front of everyone: I'm not a pig!

28. The three most popular words during the Iraq war: peace and war. Found it. found it. Connect these three English words and read them aloud for three times, and you will uncover a major historical mystery. (I farted) ...

29.people

Will fall in love,

Not special;

cattle

Will eat grass,

Not special;

pig

Will press the phone,

Only special;

Press it again!

What a pig!

Wow! And laugh!

What a cool pig!

30. There are two words I've always wanted to say to you. Today, I finally got up the courage: the first sentence, I love you and I like you very much; The second sentence, never take the first sentence seriously.

3 1, psychological test:

If you think you have a high IQ, just press it.

I think it's quite humorous. Press it.

I find it quite attractive. Press it.

Press if you feel handsome.

Test results:

Quite shameless

32. I see vicissitudes in your brow, confidence in your eyes, years on your forehead and leeks between your lips and teeth. Go brush your teeth!

33. Eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit.

34. Two cows are grazing. One of them said; "Recently mad cow disease epidemic. We will not be infected, will we? " The other end of the phone said; "No, we are kangaroos." Already crazy!

35. I have been an unknown knight in the Jianghu until one day I met the most mysterious you in the legend and even called out your name. Since then, I have also had a famous name in the Jianghu: knowing that pigs are narrow!

36. Marriage: A poor family is one meter ugly.

Primary school cultural rural hukou

Broken house, three rooms, one acre of land.

My wife didn't,

Medicine never leaves the mouth all year round.

Today's text message asks for girlfriends.

Take the revolutionary road hand in hand

Would you?

Doctor: Why can't I find my pen? ? I want to write you a prescription. "The patient whispered," doctor, didn't you put it under my arm? "