The president texted the girl about sex.

No matter what age, the stories of Doumyouji Tsukasa and Sugiyama, Hehe, overbearing president and beautiful woman always make people linger.

But in the real world, this combination often does not necessarily have a happy ending. This is a story about a good girl who was abandoned by love rat. Oh, no, it was an accident.

"Good" girls are more attracted to love rat.

In the minds of most of us, a good girl in the traditional sense is gentle, humble, considerate and obedient.

But why do most girls abandoned by love rat and abused by domestic violence fall into this category?

These girls all have some common background characteristics, and most of them have strong and strict parents from small families. For example, Jiang, a famous young writer, admitted in the program of "Round Table School" that he is a likable person and easy to meet. She shared in the program that a man called her after breaking up with her, threatening her that if she didn't get along well, she would do something to hurt herself. She also tried every means to get rid of each other.

Another kind of girls will ignore their existence because their families are indifferent to them, and unconsciously cater to and please others. For example, in Chaoshan, Guangdong, the idea of "son preference" is extremely serious, and many families try their best to have boys. Girls have a relatively low status in the family. They are used to catering to their parents since childhood, hoping to get more attention from their parents.

This way of getting along with each other has formed the internal relationship model between them over time. Psychological research also proves this point. When people grow up, they will still be unconsciously attracted by the other half who can let us relive and experience the feeling of getting along with our parents in childhood. Even if this feeling is painful, the subconscious will bring them familiar feelings.

Girls who are obedient and considerate and obsequious are more likely to be attracted by love rat. It is precisely because of their arrogant, bossy and cold attitude that they unconsciously project the pattern of getting along with their parents as children on each other.

Most love rat are often "controllers"

Love rat usually has a very distinctive feature, that is, he likes to satisfy girls' desire for control by suppressing their thoughts and behaviors, and to prove that he is right by making the other party obey his own wishes. We can call this type of person "controller", while flattering girls are "dependent". The relationship between the controller and the dependent is not limited to lovers, but also common between parents and children.

Generally speaking, normal interpersonal relationships will make a person try to understand each other.

And the controller, usually invisible and unwilling to admit that the other party has an independent personality.

I have a friend whose boyfriend is a typical controlling person. He always asks her what restaurant she wants to go to before eating. When she decides to send it to him, he will feel that her choice is not good and will eventually go to the restaurant he wants to go to. When they eat together, he will order directly, and finally ask her what she wants to eat. Of course, he will pay the bill.

When they disagree, it's difficult to communicate with him frankly. He either refuted her with his own logic, or didn't respond, or even turned against her and thought she was annoying.

More serious controllers, they will question and criticize the other half's clothing, perfume and even WeChat avatar.

They don't seem to see the real other half, and they don't know or want to know each other's inner thoughts at all. Everything can only be done according to his wishes, and we can't see his true inner thoughts.

So, on the surface, it may be a story of a gentle and beautiful girl being conquered by a "overbearing president", but the actual situation may be sadistic love between a "controller" and a "dependent".

There is a concept in psychology called "projected identity", which refers to the interpersonal behavior mode in which a person induces others to act or react in a limited way, and the controller implements this projection on the dependent.

There are two logics of projective identity. One logic is that I hope you treat me in a way that I think is good and make you what I expect.

But there is another set of logic. I know you won't treat me in the good way I hope, so I will project the "bad" to you first. If you agree with this "bad", it is equivalent to verifying the judgment of the other party, but it is actually the result of his own induction. He thought to himself, if you can't stand it, it's just bad for me, but you just don't like me.

For example, if a man calls his girlfriend and the other party doesn't answer, he will call many times, even until the other party answers. Asked why the other party didn't answer the phone, the girlfriend said that she was busy just now and wanted to call later. He said you can answer first, and then do other things. Is there robber logic?

He thinks that his girlfriend should answer his phone first under any circumstances. If his girlfriend does, he thinks they have a good relationship.

However, if his girlfriend thinks that he chooses not to answer the phone when dealing with things, and then replies afterwards, it will deny the rationality of the other party's practice, think that the other party is a bad person, and may even propose to break up.

This behavior of men is actually a self-defense mechanism. If a person frequently uses this psychological mechanism, people around him will have a serious sense of being restricted and become bad people in front of him, which will make it easy for people around him to leave him, which proves his most fundamental pain, that is, "I am a bad person and no one likes me." "

How are controllers trained?

What makes these people become controllers?

Subordinate usually has controlling parents, but the relationship between controller and parents is opposite. Their parents are fragile and dependent and need children to take care of themselves. They get their initial sense of value from caring for and dominating their parents. When I grow up, I am eager to repeat this relationship.

There is also a situation where the controller and his mother are seriously separated, or when they were young, they were left unattended and dissatisfied. When you grow up, once you fall in love with someone, you will impose this image on this person. Because they were seriously injured in childhood and were afraid of separation, their lovers' independent will was a threat to them.

They want the world "as he expected". When there are accidents in life, they will feel out of control. They think they didn't expect it, which means they are poor and bad, and they think the world is the same.

In the book Don't Control Me with Love, American psychologist patrice Evans tells us that controllers have three basic internal needs and characteristics:

1. The controller attaches great importance to external recognition and acceptance.

Controllers shape themselves from the outside to the inside. They want to shape themselves into what they believe.

The inner logic of the controller is that in order to exist, I must be right. If I am right, then you must be wrong.

Different thoughts, beliefs and emotions are a threat to them.

I would rather give up myself and maintain my external image.

They will regard the external image as their true self, so brand-name clothes, luxurious cars, beautiful spouses and decent jobs can all make them feel better about themselves.

There is another kind of controller, which is completely opposite to social norms. In both cases, they usually go to extremes.

This reminds me of the man who killed his wife in Shanghai. After killing his wife, he used his wife's WeChat to chat with the other parents and used her credit card to create various illusions. In fact, this is to continue to maintain his external image.

And a controller I know has good taste in clothes, looks clean, and carries several packs of paper towels with him. But then I went to his place and was dumbfounded. Articles are scattered all over the floor, clothes are piled up on the sofa, and the toilet is hardly cleaned. I can't bear to look straight. I also saw several cockroaches crawling near the trash can. He really only cares about his image, and the surrounding environment seems to have no influence on him.

3. The influence of cultural customs

The controller is usually influenced by the surrounding environment and cultural customs. They often live the life that others want. "You need XXX to succeed", "Only in this way can you look good or handsome" and "Unless someone likes you, you are nothing."

On the surface, they look confident, cold and bossy, but in fact, they often feel powerless and extremely insecure.

How to resolve this inappropriate control relationship in the relationship?

There is only one way, and that is to break the illusion.

Let the controller know that I am me and you are you. I want to respect my reason, and your feelings are reasonable.

The world doesn't work according to your wishes, but at the same time it is kind. Losing control is acceptable, even beautiful.

How to break the illusion? Teacher Wu Zhihong gave an example. A successful boy couldn't catch up with a girl after a long time, and finally gave up, which was very depressing. He went to consult him. During the consultation, Mr. Wu Zhihong felt that this person was actually happy. He found some details. The man said that the girl had been very gentle and tactfully rejecting him. Later, the man admitted to him that he was actually happy, because for the first time, he felt that others also had a sense of independence, and this person was very kind and kind. This feeling broke his fantasy and subverted his previous fantasy that only himself is good and others should obey his wishes.

I remember once eating Wuyang brand ice cream with a controlling friend, which is an old brand in Guangdong for decades. I'm just saying, did you like to eat this since you were a child? He instantly showed his contempt for me, saying that I had no IQ, and there was no such brand in other provinces. Most people will think that he doesn't understand empathy, but the point is that he is a doctoral student in science and actually said such a thing. I smiled at him at once. I said, how do I know you don't have this brand there? How can you measure people's IQ with this? He thought I had a good attitude and didn't refute what he said.

If we respond to the controllers in a "bad" way, their defensive psychology will be stronger and their hallucinations will be more serious. Only "love" can help the controller to slowly expel the deep fear.

No wonder director Ang Lee said, "I won't teach my child filial piety, I will only teach him how to love."

The incompleteness of human nature is due to love, and the perfection of human nature is also due to love.

The controller doesn't understand love, and the pandering and pleasing of the dependent is not love.

Only when one's conscious and subconscious goals are consistent can one give true love.

Just like a person with fear in his heart, his subconscious is obviously eager to get more love, but he is afraid of being rejected after giving love, so it is obviously not love to push the other half away in language and behavior through the conscious level.

Dependents who cater to the lack of inner love often mistake each other's control and material care for love, and then rely more on each other, but this is not love, but taking.

Love is deep understanding and acceptance.