Kneeling 1 1 short stories by foreign poets and writers (short stories)

About the author: Mark Twain (1835- 19 10), a famous American humorist, whose masterpieces include One Million Pounds, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Running for Governor. Nobel Prize in Literature, known as Lincoln in American literature. He is humorous, and humorous stories are as widely circulated as his novels!

Another six dollars

Once, Mark Twain went to dinner at the invitation of a rich man. In order to show off his wealth, the host had to tell the price of each dish when it was served. Then the waiter brought a plate of grapes, and the host said to the guests, "Hey, what a big grape! Each one is worth a hundred dollars! " The guests finished eating the grapes quickly, when Mark Twain stood up from his seat and said loudly, "It's delicious. Please give me another six dollars, sir! "

Servants and boxes

Once, American writer Mark Twain stayed in a hotel in a small town in England. When signing the passenger register, he found that a famous passenger before him signed it like this: "Duke von Butterford and his many servants."

Mark Twain smiled and wrote in the passenger register: "Mark Twain and a box." Use in one's own home

Once, Mark Twain, a famous American writer, found a book in his neighbor's house, which attracted him deeply. He asked his neighbor if he could borrow it. The neighbor said, "You are welcome to watch it at any time, as long as you watch it here. You know, I have a rule: my book can't leave this house. "

A few weeks later, the neighbor borrowed Mark Twain's lawn mower. Mark Twain said, "Of course, but according to my regulations, you must use it on my lawn."

Bernard Shaw's Humor

About the author: GeorgeBernard (1856 ~ 1950), English playwright and critic.

One day, Bernard Shaw was invited to a luxurious dinner party.

During the dinner, a young man boasted of his talent and arrogance in front of great writers.

At first, Bernard Shaw was silent and all ears. Later, the more he listened, the more he felt that it was not a taste. Finally, he couldn't help it and said, "Young friends, as long as we are United, everything in the world will know everything."

The man said in surprise, "Not necessarily!"

Bernard Shaw said, "Why not? You know everything in the world well. However, there is still one thing missing, that is, I don't know that boasting will make rich food boring. I just understand this. Together, don't we know everything? "

Once, the owner of a shoe polish factory came up with a clever idea of making a fortune and asked Bernard Shaw to allow him to use his name as the brand name of shoe polish.

The boss said to Bernard Shaw, "If you agree to do this, millions of people in the world will know your name."

Bernard Shaw said, "No, there are exceptions."

The boss froze.

Bernard Shaw went on to say, "You have forgotten people who have no shoes to wear!" " "

Hemingway's Humor

Author: ernest miller hemingway (1899— 196 1), an American novelist.

The best way to write

At a banquet, the famous American writer ernest hemingway (1899- 196 1) was puzzling over a plot in one of his novels, but an annoying rich man sitting next to him kept interrupting and wanted to talk to Hemingway. He said, "What kind of writing is the best?"

Hemingway spread out his hands and said, "From left to right!"

Secret formula

A reporter asked Hemingway for advice: "The language in your works is so concise. What's the secret? "

"Sometimes I write when I am hungry, and my stomach is growling; Sometimes I write standing, and I only stand on one foot; Sometimes in the cold winter, I deliberately wear only a thin coat, and I tremble with cold when I write it. These very unpleasant feelings make me have to write as few unnecessary words as possible! "

Ties and novels

In order to attract business, an American clothing company once sent Hemingway a tie with a short message: "The tie produced by our company is very popular with customers. We are sending you samples, please try them out and hope to send them back to 2 yuan. "

A few days later, the company received a reply from Hemingway and attached a novel. The letter said: "My novel is very popular with readers, and the first volume is attached for your reading. This book is worth 8 cents for 2 yuan, which means you still owe me 8 cents. "

Every word is gold.

A jealous man wrote an ironic letter to Hemingway: "I know you deserve every word." We enclose a dollar, please send a sample to have a look. "

Hemingway took the RMB and answered the word "thank you".

Small mistakes and big mistakes

Mark Twain, an American writer, was asked, "What's the difference between a small mistake and a big mistake?" Mark Twain replied, "If you come out of a restaurant, leave your umbrella there and take someone else's umbrella, it's called a small mistake. However, if you take someone else's umbrella and leave your umbrella there, it is a big mistake. "

Have to stand

American writer Mark Twain traveled to a small city in France and gave a speech. One day, he went to the barber shop for a haircut alone. The barber asked, "Sir, you seem to have just come from abroad?" Mark Twain replied, "Yes, this is my first time here." "You are lucky, because Mr. Mark Twain is here, and you can go to his speech tonight."

"I must go."

"Do you have a ticket, sir?"

"Not yet."

"What a pity!" The barber spread out his hands and said regretfully, "Then you'll have to stand and listen from beginning to end, because there won't be any empty seats there."

"Yes!" Mark Twain said, "It's too bad to be with Mark Twain. I can only stand forever when he speaks. "

Hit the nail on the head-a pertinent sentence can pierce the truth.

There is a millionaire in America. His left eye is broken and he spent a lot of money to get an artificial eye. This artificial eye is really well installed. At first glance, no one will think it is fake. Therefore, the billionaire is very proud and often boasts about himself in front of people.

Once, he met Mark Twain and asked, "Can you guess? Which of my eyes is fake? " Mark Twain pointed to his left eye and said, "Is this just a fake?" Mark Twain said, "Because you still have a little compassion in this eye." Books and lawn mowers

Once, Mark Twain borrowed a book from the tour guide, and the neighbor said, "Yes, yes. But I made it a rule that books borrowed from my library must be read on the spot. "

A week later, the neighbor borrowed a lawn mower from Mark Twain. Mark Twain smiled and said, "Sure, no problem. But I made a rule: the lawn mower borrowed from my house can only be used on my lawn. "

Whales and writers

Mark Twain received a letter from a young man who was a beginner in writing. The writer is quite interested in such a question: I heard that fish bones contain a lot of phosphorus, and phosphorus is brain-nourishing, so to become a world-famous writer, you must eat a lot of fish. I wonder if this statement is true. He asked Mark Twain, "Did you eat a lot of fish? What kind of fish did you eat?"

Mark Twain wrote back: "It seems that you have to eat a whale."

Association and lying

Writers should make real people and stories into beautiful oral stories and have rich and bold associations. A critic who specializes in finding fault with the originality of details often accuses Mark Twain of lying.

Mark. Twain sarcastically said to him, "If you can't lie, you don't have the ability to lie, and you don't know how to lie, how can you say I'm lying?" Only those who have experience in this field have the right to speak so blatantly and arbitrarily. You don't have this experience, and you can't have it. In this respect, you are a person who knows nothing and wants to be an expert. "

Mark Twain and the Pastor

There is a priest preaching in the pulpit. Mark Twain hated it so much that he wanted to play a joke on him. "Pastor, your speech is really wonderful, but I read it in a book. Everything you say is on it. "

Hearing this, the priest replied unhappily, "My speech is by no means plagiarism!" " "But that book is verbatim." "Then lend me that book." The priest said helplessly.

So, a few days later, the priest received a book dictionary from Mark Twain.

Mark Twain is often absent-minded about some trivial things in life. One day, he went out by train. When the conductor checked the ticket, he searched his pockets but couldn't find it. When the conductor recognized the writer Mark Twain, he said politely, "If you really can't find the ticket, it doesn't matter."

Looking for a ticket

Mark Twain said, "That won't do. I must find the damn thing, otherwise how will I know where I'm going? "

A lady over 500 asked Bernard Shaw, "How old do you think I am?"

"Look at your crystal teeth, like 18 years old; Look at your fluffy curly hair, 19 years old; Look at your twisted waist, at most 14 years old. " Bernard Shaw said solemnly.

The lady almost jumped up with joy: "Can you tell me my age accurately?"

"Please add up the three figures I just said!"

One day, Bernard Shaw received a red invitation from a lady: "I will wait at home from 4 pm to 6 pm on Tuesday."

Bernard Shaw returned the original post and wrote on it: "Mr. Bernard Shaw was waiting at home at the same time on the same day."

A famous dancer wrote a passionate letter to Bernard Shaw, which said, "If we get married and have children in the future, it would be great to have your wisdom and my appearance!"

Bernard Shaw wrote back and said, "It would be terrible if that child only had my appearance and your wisdom."

At a party, Bernard Shaw was absorbed in his thoughts.

A rich man sitting next to him couldn't help but feel curious and asked, "Mr. Bernard Shaw, I am willing to pay one yuan to find out what you are thinking."

Bernard Shaw replied, "I don't think it's worth a dollar."

The rich man is more curious: "So, what are you thinking?"

Bernard Shaw calmly replied, "I was thinking of you!" " "

At a banquet, Bernard Shaw happened to be sitting with the wife of a textile factory manager.

"Dear Mr. Bernard Shaw," asked the fat and coquettish rich woman, "do you know which diet pills are the most effective?"

Bernard Shaw stared at his neighbor and pretended to be serious. He replied, "I know of a medicine, but it's a pity that I can't translate the name of this medicine anyway, because the words labor and sports are authentic foreign languages to you."

An English publisher wants Bernard Shaw's praise to improve his social status. He thought: to get Bernard Shaw's praise, you must praise Bernard Shaw first.

So he went to visit Bernard Shaw. He saw Bernard Shaw commenting on Shakespeare's works and said, "Ah, sir, you are commenting on Shakespeare again. Yes, since ancient times, there are too few people who really understand Shakespeare, only two. "

Bernard Shaw has understood his meaning, let him go on.

"Yes, only two people. The first one is you, Mr. Bernard Shaw. But, what about another one? Who do you think he should be? "

Bernard Shaw said, "That is Shakespeare himself, of course."

One day, Bernard Shaw was invited to a charity ball.

At the meeting, he invited ordinary female members of a charity to dance.

The woman said shyly, "How can you dance with an ordinary person like me?"

Bernard Shaw replied, "Isn't this a charity?"

After Bernard Shaw came to the fore, the famous French sculptor Fran? ois auguste rodin once made a statue for him.

One day decades later, Bernard Shaw showed the statue to his friends and said, "This statue is interesting. As time goes on, it becomes younger and younger."

After Bernard Shaw became famous, people who visited him were crowded, which made him tired of coping.

One day, King George VI of England went to visit the writer. After the greeting, due to the disparity in hobbies and cultural literacy, the two were soon speechless.

Seeing the king's delay, Bernard Shaw slowly took out his pocket watch and stared at it until the king had to leave.

Afterwards, someone asked him if he liked George VI. Bernard Shaw smiled humorously and replied, "Of course, he really made me happy when he left."

Bernard Shaw likes driving his own car very much.

One day, while driving, he talked with the driver sitting next to him about a newly conceived script.

Suddenly, the driver grabbed the steering wheel from the cheerful Bernard Shaw without saying a word.

"What's the matter with you?" What happened suddenly surprised the author.

"Excuse me," said the driver. "Your script is wonderful. I really don't want you to die before you finish writing. "

Bernard Shaw often exposes the ugly face of capitalists in his plays, so he offended some rich people.

Once, a capitalist wanted to humiliate Bernard Shaw in public. He waved and said loudly, "People say that great dramatists are idiots."

Bernard Shaw smiled and immediately replied, "Sir, I think you are the greatest dramatist."

Bernard Shaw likes flowers.

But a friend found that there were only a few vases as decorations in his house, so he asked him, "I always thought you loved flowers, but I didn't expect that there wasn't even a flower in your house."

Bernard Shaw replied, "I like children, too, but I won't cut off their heads and feed them in a vase."

Bernard Shaw gave a friend a new book. Later, he found the book in a second-hand bookstore, so he bought it back immediately and gave it to that friend again.

When a friend received the book, he saw the words written on the title page: "More gifts from Bernard Shaw."

Cornelia Otis Skinner is an American film star and writer who has appeared in many famous plays.

When she was young, she played the leading role in Bernard Shaw's play Sister Conti. She has a long reputation, especially in this performance.

After the performance, Bernard Shaw sent a telegram: "The best and greatest."

The actress thought Bernard Shaw was admiring her, so she quickly called back and said, "It's a great honor to receive this honor."

Two days later, Bernard Shaw sent another telegram: "I mean the script."

Miss Skinner quickly called back and said, "I mean Bernard Shaw, the great writer of that book. He is tall but as thin as a reed leaf, while chesterton is tall and strong." The two of them stood together in sharp contrast.

Once, Bernard Shaw wanted to make fun of chesterton's obesity and said to him, "If I were as fat as you, I would hang myself."

Chesterton smiled and said, "If I want to hang myself, I will use you as a sling."

One day, the emaciated Bernard Shaw met a paunchy businessman.

The businessman sneered at him: "As soon as I saw you, people thought there was a famine in England!" "

Bernard Shaw hit back: "When I see you, people will understand the cause of famine."

After Bernard Shaw became famous all over the world, American film giant Sam godwin wanted to buy the film rights of his plays from Bernard Shaw.

He found Bernard Shaw and said to him, "Your plays are of great artistic value, but I think if you can put them on the screen, the whole world will be intoxicated by your art." The film master expressed his love for art.

Bernard Shaw was glad that he thought so and did so.

But in the end, they couldn't agree on the price of the film copyright, and finally Bernard Shaw refused to sell the film copyright.

Bernard Shaw said, "The question is simple, Mr. Godwin. You are only interested in art, and I am only interested in money. "

Once, Patrick Mahoney, a good friend, talked with Mr. and Mrs. Shaw about many problems. When they talked about the love entanglements of celebrities, Mahoney asked Mrs. Xiao, "How do you treat so many women who love your husband?"

Mrs. Bernard Shaw didn't answer directly, but told an anecdote. She said, "Shortly after we got married, an actress made a desperate pursuit of my husband. She threatened that if she didn't see him, she would commit suicide and her heart would be broken ... "

"So, did she die of a broken heart?"

"Indeed, she died of a heart attack." Bernard Shaw interrupted the conversation and said, "But that was 50 years later."

Once, Bernard Shaw needed to cut a bone from his heel to repair the spinal defect because of his spinal defect.

After the operation, the doctor wanted to earn more money for the operation, so he said, "Mr. Bernard Shaw, this is a new operation that we have never done before!" " "

Bernard Shaw smiled and said, "Great. How much are you going to pay me for the test? "

Once Bernard Shaw was walking in the street and was knocked down by a reckless cyclist. Fortunately, he wasn't hurt, just a false alarm.

The cyclist quickly helped him up and apologized again and again.

However, Bernard Shaw said regretfully, "I'm sorry, sir, but your luck is bad. If you kill me, you will be famous all over the world! " " . "