A selection of humorous short messages for lovers

1, Dear customer: As you send and receive yellow messages at will, your mobile phone will start the self-destruction program ten seconds after receiving this message. Please throw your mobile phone ten meters away, so as not to hurt innocent people!

The drunk walked into a shop to buy a vase and saw an inverted cup on the counter. He picked it up, looked at it and said, Why doesn't this vase have a mouth? Turn the cup upside down and say, how come there is no bottom!

The criminal was hanged and asked to put the noose around his waist, not around his neck. He said: My neck is ticklish. If I put a lasso around my neck, I will laugh to death.

4. The last completely correct weather forecast may be that God told Noah that the probability of rainstorm was 100%. Four reasons for being in a bad mood recently: the stock is falling every day, the football lottery has not won several issues, the position is not high for several years, and the beautiful girlfriend has run away!

Grandpa chatted with his five-year-old grandson and said that when I was your age, there was no TV at all. Grandson asked: What does your mother forbid you to watch when you are naughty? The football player's wife said, I hate it when my husband asks me to eat leftovers and play overtime.

6. Football fans: "For football, you have to struggle like a lover. It would be great if a pair of feet could stick to a football like candy. "

The presidential candidate told his opponent in the debate that there are thousands of ways to make money, but only one is honest. "What kind?" "The kind you don't know."

8. The science teacher asked: Why is the body cold after death? Nobody answered ... Teacher: Nobody knows? At this time, someone at the back of the classroom said: That's because it's calm and naturally cold ...

9. Zi: What is honesty? Father: Honesty means giving goods to customers today, knowing that they will go bankrupt tomorrow. Zi: What is wisdom? Father: Don't do such a stupid thing!

10, son: Mom! There are often men and women opposite each other in movies. What is this? Mother: Maybe the man is dying, so I want to let the woman catch her breath. Or the woman is dying, and the man takes the gas for her.

1 1, catching up with the thief means that you have recovered your losses; Catching up with your girlfriend means that your loss has just begun! On a whim, Zhuangzi wanted to close a book with others, and Sun Wu readily cooperated. Thus, there is another knowledge in the world: Zhuang (pretending to be a grandson)!

12. Brick factory director: Is this a pastry factory? Pastry Director: Yes, what is it? Director of brick and tile factory: We should learn from the experience. How did you make the cake so hard?

13, I wish you a high position, light responsibility, more money and less trouble, being close to home, waking up naturally every day, cramping your salary, and getting a raise if others work overtime! I hope: I have no small peas on my face and no streaky pork on my body. 20 this year, next year 18, will always be "safflower".

14, the attending doctor told the interns: no fruits are allowed in the future. The intern asked doubtfully: Why? The attending doctor said: I just accidentally implanted a litchi into the patient's eye.

Examiner: If Shakespeare were still alive, would he be a great man? Student: Yes, he will. In any case, no one in the world lives over 400 years old.

16, examiner: what should I do when I meet the green light? Candidate: Drive there. Examiner: What should I do if I meet a red light? Candidate: Stop. Examiner: What about the yellow light? Candidate: Fight him!

17, if I were a fox and you were a hunter, would you chase me? If I were tea and you were boiling water, would you soak me? If I were a car and you were a driver, would you drive me? If you are money and I am a passbook, I will definitely take yours.

18, I am a bird imprisoned by you. I have forgotten how high the sky is, but in this dazzling city, I can't tolerate my delusion. Tears are my only luxury.

19, how many times have I told you, go to bed early at night and don't go out, but you just won't listen. No, I dreamed again last night, which made me unwilling to wake up!

20.m: Every time I miss you, the star will drop a tear. That's how the ocean was formed. Woman: Every time I think about you, I fart. This is how the ozone layer is formed.

2 1, I miss you so beautifully, Xinjiang roast lamb leg stuffed. I miss you very fat, but it's heavy in my heart. It's late at night, the birds are asleep and the mosquitoes are out. I miss you and look forward to you. I'm doomed to insomnia tonight. The dream is lost, and the soul is haunted by it. Why not return the stolen heart?

22. Lovers will eventually buckle meat, and pig pockets will appear in lovers' eyes. If the relationship is long-term, it is not pork and pork. We want to fly in heaven, two birds become one, and I want to be a pig.

23, yeah! I accidentally sent you "I love you" by mistake. If you accept it, keep it. If you don't accept it, send these three words back to me.

24, I am a bit vulgar and strange, a bit boring and cute! A little lazy, a little bad, a little smart, a little rogue! Say rogue is rogue, slick love! You want to love me, then love me.

25. No matter where I am, thousands of miles away or within Wan Li, no matter when, ten years or a hundred years, I miss you deeply and love you. Although I deny the existence of all gods, I will always believe that you are a "new god!" "

26. You are bread in the morning, ice cream in summer, garlic in Shandong and pepper in Sichuan. Seeing your heart beating faster, but not your mood getting worse. I dreamed that your time passed too fast. I hope having you is not a long wait.

27. personals: Male, undergraduate, only a few points away; Working in a multinational organization, McDonald's cleans the table; Have a house, many people own it; Have a car, not a motor vehicle; Looking for a beautiful young man * * * went to the grave, a few years later.

28. The craziest thing in my life is to fall in love with you. My greatest hope is to have you to accompany me crazy all my life!

29. You are the sun in my heart, but it's a pity to go down the mountain; You are the moon in my dream, but it is covered by clouds; You are the most beautiful flower in my heart, but it has already bloomed; You are the Chang 'e in the sky, but your face landed first!

Lovely you stole my love and my heart. I've decided to sue you in court. What should I sentence you to? The judge searched all criminal records and cases, and finally the jury unanimously passed: I sentence you to be mine for life.

3 1, you and I are both one-winged angels. Only by embracing each other can we spread our wings and fly. It is said that people come into the world to find the other half. I finally found you after all the hardships, damn it! Only to find that our wings are on the same side.

32. I can't eat in the morning because I miss you; I can't eat at noon because I miss you more; I can't eat at night because I miss you crazily; I can't sleep at night because ... I'm hungry.

Dear, for you, I will cross the ocean and jump into the abyss without hesitation. I will overcome any difficulties! If it doesn't rain, I will find you on time on Sunday!

34, spicy and hot summer is long, the rolling heat wave has nowhere to hide, the eyes are black, the heart is panicked, and the head is sweating; Thinking of you in my heart is like eating cold sugar, my heart is cold, and it is like an air-conditioned room no matter how hot it is!

35. If you are a lovely red apple, I would like to be a slacker and chew you!

36. I miss you It is a morning glory, growing day by day and stretching bit by bit.

37. If the whole Yellow River is poured out, the flame of my love for you will go out. Can all the water in the Yellow River be poured out? No So I still love you.

38. I prayed in front of the Buddha for 500 years, just to be a blooming little flower on your only road.

I never regret loving you. I will miss you forever. I miss you so much that I can't sleep. You can't learn if you forget. A little pig is intoxicated in the mobile phone!

40. You are the most beautiful in my eyes: a hooked nose, a toad's mouth, a round-legged mouse's eyes, a mouth under my nose, and my mouth is dripping.

4 1, love is not afraid of the dark, the darker the corner in the park, the more couples go there; Love is not afraid of heat, even if the temperature is 40 degrees, lovers will stick together; Love is not afraid of cold, but lovers are still dating outdoors in ice and snow.

Honey, I've always wanted to learn from the Monkey King, so that I can take good care of you on Halloween. All kinds of monsters come on!

I want you to know that as long as you run away, I will chase you, no matter where you are, even in hell, no matter how far you go.

44. Yesterday, the male ticket WeChat said: Remember that you are mine. It was quite touching at the time. As a result, he sent another small apple.

45. I went out to play with a sister paper yesterday. Suddenly she said that she had been bitten by a snake in her chest, and told me to suck out the poison quickly. I laughed as soon as I heard it: How can you be such a person? What if I get poisoned by inhaling it? You think I'm stupid! Go, take you to the hospital. Shit, and then she said it's okay. Is this girl crazy? Stay away from her in the future.

Dear users, because most of your short messages are sent to the opposite sex, which has caused a very bad impact on society, we have suspended your short message function. Please learn your style knowledge!

47. Note: Stand in front of the mirror, gently hold your chin, blink your left eye three times, blink your right eye three times, then blink with a smile, and you will vaguely see a fool blinking at the mirror!

48. On this full moon night, Chang 'e said to me: She will go down to find you, give you a beauty treatment and restore your original beauty! Are you ready? Pig, stop texting and ask you a question!

49. You have worked quietly in the film circle for many years, and only you know the bitterness best. However, your efforts have finally been recognized by people, and you have won the Golden Bird Award: the nomination of the best animal star.

50. A buddy fell in love with his sister's paper in this class. After that, a sister in another class wrote a love letter, and the buddy decisively derailed. My sister-in-law in this class was furious and went to find the third theory. * * * came ... After a while, my sister-in-law of this class came back and asked her how she was. Sister paper roared: damn, it's much more beautiful than me. I am a man. I also chose her. Why bother?

5 1. A young couple is quarreling. The woman said: You didn't get paid this month. Are you raising a mistress? M: If I give it to you, don't say you don't want it ... Then my daughter-in-law got angry and shouted, I said I don't want it before going to bed. How did you know to climb up? ...

52. Little comma was dumped by his girlfriend, and he was heartbroken. Friend comfort: forget it, forget her, it's no big deal! The little comma cried: I can't forget it. I bought her a lot of things, all on installment.

53. Wukong, you clean the glass; Friar Sand, mop the floor. Bajie, the master knows your situation very well. After careful consideration, he decided to give you a chance to show off-after reading this message, hurry to clean the girls' toilet.

54. I work as a cashier in a bank. After quarreling with my boyfriend yesterday, he actually called our bank customer service and complained that I had a bad attitude towards customers. .

55. I have a crush on you. The first time I saw you, I thought you were the most suitable person in my life, but my only regret was .............. Sorry, I sent the wrong person.

56. I went to his campus to look for him and asked him to look downstairs. He sent a message saying: I have a crazy woman standing downstairs. I said, come down, crazy woman wants to talk to you.

57. My boyfriend said, Baby, your skin is so white. After a few seconds' silence, he sighed. What a waste!

58. My boyfriend and I were walking in the community and saw a couple hugging each other. I said enviously, it's too sweet. Please give me a hug. My boyfriend looked around and pulled me into his arms: the hug was cold and warm.

59. I told my wife that I dreamed of going to Beijing to eat roast duck with her in the evening. She asked if she had eaten in her dream. I said if you didn't eat, just watch me eat. She immediately slapped me and said that I was not good to her, so she went back to her mother's house in a rage. What's even more ridiculous is that my uncle also called me to lecture me and asked me to do it again. Can I do it again?

A few years ago, I prayed to God for my happiness. Now I have you by my side. I know, happiness, I have got it. I love you!

6 1, although you are eager to follow me, although I don't want to refuse you, I still want to say: puppy, don't follow me, I really just have a white radish in my hand, not an extended version of meat buns!

62. It is real gold and never fears fierce flames; Is a pine tree, never afraid of the long cold; Haiyan, never afraid of lightning that cuts the sky; What an idiot, staring at the text message!

63. With you in life, life is full of infinite vitality; With you along the way, I am afraid of lightning; Just because of you, happiness and satisfaction are always overflowing; Without you, who will feed the pig food?

64. When I was at school, I cried and asked him to make up lessons for this science man. Dunima sat on his lap and studied (again). (1) When I was studying (hair), I suddenly lost my temper and told him not to read. I was immediately scolded by him and poisoned calculus all afternoon. ...

65. The people of the whole country are the best, riding a bench to the moon; The world belongs to you, and you can play the best. You don't need a glass to drink. From ancient times to the present, you are the best, and going out shopping is scary; What you said is nothing, the Nobel Prize is waiting for you!

Dear Yong, having your sincerity is the greatest happiness in my life. No matter how things change, you are the only one in my heart and my favorite.

67. My wife stood at the door and chatted with her neighbors for more than three hours. When she got home, she was tired. The husband said, why not invite her home to have a chat? The wife sighed and said, yes! I invited her to my house, but she said she didn't have time.

68.w: You are so excellent that you will be liked by more and more people. What should I do? M: I like it.

69. My boyfriend wants to break up with me. He swore: you are so self-righteous all day! Why did I turn a blind eye to you in the first place? What's the matter with you! I kept silent in the face of his accusation. He turned away. I quickly grabbed him and said, please don't go! I am counting!

70. I held you that night and told you to put that thing on your ear. It's cool that you don't wear it. It's the safety period, there's nothing ... What should the traffic police do without a helmet?

7 1. Every time my girlfriend and I quarrel and slam the door, I will silently boil a pot of water, and then when the kettle breathes, I will point to the water and say angrily, Get out of here!

72. My wife always thinks that married life is not romantic enough, so she says to her husband: How about we talk about love again? Who knows, my husband quickly shook his hand and said, forget it, I don't want to go back to that evil' old society'!

73. I ran to a bar for a drink today and happened to see a girl drinking silently there, as if she were single. So I went over and accosted: Beauty, are you alone? The beauty gave me a look and said warily, no! I am angry: since you are not human, why are you sitting in the seat where others are sitting?

74. I saw a beautiful woman yesterday and couldn't find a reason to strike up a conversation. The king took a tissue out of his pocket, chased the beauty and shouted, Beauty, your shoes are dirty. Do you want me to wipe it for you? Beauty: No, someone just licked it. Your Majesty: The competition is too fierce now.

75. When I was hungry last night, I went to the bar below for dinner. After the water boiled, I put salt on it. I accidentally put it on my hand and didn't want to waste it. My brain-dead hand was put into the pot and rinsed, and then I heard a cry.

76. I went to a roadside food stall for dinner in the evening. On the way, two men drank too much and had a fight, and they were hands-on. The restaurant owner watched the fun with us. I asked my boss why he didn't stop fighting. The boss said, "The customer is God, the Battle of Titan. How can we mortals participate? " What I said seems to make sense.

77. People who pay their daughter-in-law every month are not called paying wages, but are called forwarding wages. Ronaldinho and himself

78. If someone asks me: How did you get through those difficult years? I think I only have one answer: I have strong spiritual strength to support me. This kind of power is called "Dare to die" ...

79. In the hospital, I saw the nurse give a little fat man an injection, but many attempts failed. The little fat man couldn't help saying, it's all meat, and there are no blood vessels. Please change places ~

80. When others stay up late, you are sleeping; Everyone else is up, and you are still struggling to sleep for a few more minutes; You have a lot of ideas, but when your head is hot, it will pass, but others insist on one thing; You have to study for a long time, while others work overtime to eat instant noodles. If you don't finish the work, you will leave it until one or two, which is less efficient than others. I wonder how much it costs. Therefore, it is not without reason that you have good skin and beautiful spirit.

8 1, today's long business trip, everyone is shaking and sleeping; A woman answered the phone: "Hey, I am sleeping, I am sleeping by car!" " Who the fuck am I sleeping with? I'm sleeping with a car full of men! Hey! "Then the whole car is full of energy!

82. One day, BF and I ate fried rice in a small restaurant outside. I think we should eat fried rice with a spoon, but he insists on using chopsticks. At the critical moment, we quarreled ... I was so angry that I wanted to kick him to death from behind in the street. This anger hurts my health. ...

83. Love is great. It makes the laws of mathematics out of balance. Two people share the pain, only half the pain; Two people enjoy happiness, but there are two kinds of happiness!

84. The grandmother who watched TV for the first time exclaimed after watching the 100-meter run: How scary! Several coal diggers knelt in a row, and someone tried to shoot them with a gun, but they didn't wait for the aim to shoot. The children ran away in fear! Fly, the rope can't stop it!

85. In the past, it was called loneliness; Now, it is called happiness; Tomorrow is called expectation; Always called sex; Wandering, vast sea of people; Wait, the epiphyllum will bloom again; Life is wonderful because of you; Love you, now!

86. Remember to eat roast duck together? You like to eat duck, and the food has just been served. You grab it like an arrow and stuff it in your mouth. I asked in a low voice: Why don't you see the duck? You proudly pointed to your mouth and said, * * * is here.

87. When the monkey saw a card, he wanted to see what it was, so he climbed to the branch. At this time, if he was struck by lightning, the monkey cried and said, "Wow, it turned out to be an IP card!" "

88. It is difficult to get train tickets. Go to the station to buy tickets ten days before school starts. While waiting in line, I heard a brother ask the conductor if he had a bus to Shanghai. The conductor calmly said to the speaker, Yes, the tickets are gone.

89. People who laugh with a clear voice are at private parties; A man who nods to apologize is in business negotiations; People who laugh in the street either win the lottery or are psychopaths.

90. The tiger and the lion are fighting, and the tiger has run away. At this time, the lion quit, chased and chased, chased to a small yard, and waited and waited. Suddenly, a cat came out, and the lion went up and said, demo, call your dad!

9 1, after my wife and I quarreled, we didn't talk for several days. One day, I took the menu and asked me to order. When I saw it, I was shocked: potato chips, heartbroken cucumber slices, shredded radish, chicken feet, heartbroken pork, and soup to scare the monkey. I think I'm finished.

92. A wife is tasteless, a lover is too tired, and a young lady is too expensive. It is better to have a reunion and break up a couple!

93. In the barber's shop, a customer complained to the barber: How can I get out if you cut my hair like this? Barber: That's all right. We sell hats and wigs!

94. Two fools eat salted duck eggs together. One asked in surprise: Why is this egg so salty? The other said, it's a good thing you asked me. This salted egg is produced by salted duck.

95. During the rush hour, a cyclist ran a red light and a heavy truck suddenly stopped beside him. The cyclist shouted to the truck driver, Damn it, you won't die!

96. Miss your cigarettes, your wine and your wife's fried rice with eggs!

97.where are you? I am waiting for you when I am lonely. I called your cell phone and said turn it off. I called you to copy the phone, and you are no longer on the phone. I hate you. I write your name in the toilet and piss you to death every day!

98. A wizard doesn't know what's wrong with him, and he hurts all over. Knowing that he was dying, he lay in bed and shouted, which clever doctor can cure me, I will give him the ancestral elixir of life!

99. A cricket and a pig bet that if I jump into the grass, you can't see me. The pig said, what if I can see you? So the cricket jumped into the grass. The pig is watching, the pig is watching! The pig is still watching! Why is the pig still watching?

100, two people go to a restaurant for dinner. The sanitation of the hotel is very poor, and many flies fly around the dishes. When one is busy, go hand in hand. The other man stopped and said, don't worry. How much can it eat? !

10 1. Once, my friend came to see me and called me by my real name. I don't want to quit, so I immediately reminded her: No, you have to call me by my nickname. After a few seconds of silence, she carefully opened her mouth and whispered, Xiao Ming.

102, a girl went to the pasture as a trainee to milk, and everyone else squeezed a bucket. She only squeezed a little and was in a hurry. Suddenly the old cow said, Miss, you are in the wrong place!

103, will you give me your happiness once? I promise to feed you into a little fat pig with full love.

104. Spiders and bees were very happy at first after they got married. Bees say it's good to eat meat. The spider said, yes, I tasted honey. Later, it was always noisy, and the bee said, if you don't go out all day, you will know how to get rid of your broken orchid!

Finishing: zhl20 1704