The most popular classic jokes and quotations

1. That night, my girlfriend and I played a game, and whoever took care of each other first lost. I agreed excitedly. . It's been a year and a half. No news. . . Oh, my God. Did she dump me? !

2. The mother-in-law tests the son-in-law. First, I invited my eldest son-in-law to take a walk. When I crossed the bridge, I suddenly jumped down. My eldest son-in-law was rescued by diving, and my mother-in-law gave him a Guangben car. The mother-in-law was also like this, testing the second son-in-law and being rescued. The injured second son-in-law gave an Audi. She tried her third son-in-law, but she couldn't swim and couldn't save her. Her mother-in-law drowned. The next day, my father-in-law gave him a Mercedes!

3. I suddenly found an interesting rule: whether we watch a love drama or a youth idol drama, in the end, the hero and heroine get married, and the TV or movie is over. What does this mean? This profound explanation: as long as a man and a woman get married, there is no future!

4. Valentine's Day: I will watch the sky at night. Hotels and guesthouses will be full tonight, and countless girls will lose their virginity. Happily, someone else's future wife is lying in bed. Sadly, your future wife doesn't know who is lying in bed. More tragically, she lost her virginity in a hotel where she stayed for 40 yuan, but today she asked you for a flat house of 65438+100000 before she would marry you. .

5. Give me a more creative name. Those who want to open a shop can learn from it: 1. Barber shop: People's Development Research Institute, Feifa, Development and Reform Commission. 2. Hotel: A restaurant, not hungry, not sitting, a bunch of drunks. 3. Clothing store: keep mistresses, sell clothes diligently and attract customers. 4. Teahouse: pure heart for tea, well tea bureau. 5. Beauty shop: Please don't get pimples, and get rid of spots.

6. The emperor said to the little plum beside him: You can describe me in one word. Xiao Lizi replied: What's the matter? Then Xiao Lizi was beheaded. . . .

7. A bachelor's signature was changed to: People who secretly love me, how can you be so calm! ! !

8.a: Sister, if someone hurts you, how long will you forgive him? B: It's God's business to forgive her. My task is to send her to God. . . .

9. The old man who teaches chemistry is 800 degrees nearsighted. After finishing writing the blackboard in class, he turned around and suddenly pointed at me.

Shout: What are you standing for? ! Sit down! ! I sat in the last seat, and my coat hung on the wall behind me. ...

10, in the first aid class at the university, the professor said and demonstrated:

Professor: Put your hands on your chest. Don't press too hard. Just press 2~3cm. Too much force will easily break the patient's ribs!

Professor: Let's look at the demonstration (press your hand hard). Click! The model's ribs are broken.

The professor said that the class ended in embarrassment. . . .

Quotations from classic jokes

1, "Tom, how dare you steal apples from my orchard? Come down from the tree, or I'll find your father to punish you! " "Oh, no, he's in the opposite tree."

Children nowadays are precocious. On this day, my father called Xiaoming from junior high school: "Xiaoming, you are old now, and my father wants to talk to you about sex." Xiao Ming is impatient: "Say, what do you want to know?"

3. I found that in study, like the big bad wolf, we appeared in an extremely NB posture every semester, and left in an SB posture that everyone expected at the end of the semester. Finally, I want to shout: I will study hard …

4. For my Audi, your Dior and our children's Oreo. Work hard! Fight!

5. Young women in literature write articles and ask professors for advice. Professor: The first half of this article highlights two points and is very substantial. The middle is flat; The second half is short-tempered, and there are seven things to do and eight things to do!

6. Take the initiative in everything. For example, you can climb the wall and wait for an almond.

7. A man applied for a job, and the female manager asked him what his major was. The man said, "The lower body is special." Female manager: "Rogue, dirty …" The man said angrily: "Who is rogue and who is dirty? I said what happened to my leg ... "

8, finally covered the world for the misty rain in the south of the Yangtze River. After Hua Rong thanked him, it was just a scene, and the mountains and rivers were silent forever.

9. the Year of the Loong is in a good mood and has no troubles every day; Raise your head and embrace happiness, lower your head and embrace beauty.

10, when I was a child, I often made faces in the mirror; In old age, mirrors are flat.

1 1, I miss those days when I ate single-celled animals (women use this as a signature, which is absolutely spicy) ...

12, don't think you are Wu Dalang, just think that Yao Ming is made by two people.

13, once you learn to break the jar and break the fall, you will find that the world is suddenly enlightened.

14, it may not be the enemy or your neighbor upstairs who shits on your head.

15, the furthest distance in the world is not between life and death, but that I defeated the devil and stood in front of you, but you fell in love with a foreigner.

16, boys are poor, otherwise they don't know how to struggle: girls are rich, otherwise they will coax people away with no effort.

17, life grinds us round, in order to let us roll further.

18, wives and concubines in groups, but relatives. Children around the knee, home unbeaten. Play if you want, and do what you can. The air is free and there is no darkness. Looking back, I have regrets.

19, Christmas alone, New Year's Day alone, and leave me alone at the end of the term!

20, whenever cleaning, the school will say "school is your home"; But if you are late, the school will say, "Do you think school is your home?"

2 1, boycott breast enhancement surgery and don't pollute the last safe milk source!

22. Why did Guan Yu die earlier than Zhang Fei? Answer: Beauty is unlucky. ...

23. Every woman who calls herself "elder sister" is looking for a very man, and it turns out that the most man is herself.

24, husband, goalkeeper, goal!

25, an IBM interview question, people with a monthly salary of 80,000, 90‰ make mistakes. Can you answer correctly? 1+2*3=? Don't think too much, answer at once.

26, fame and fortune, I buried you all my life, a delicate country, a ridiculous life without a king.

27. I want to be an angry bird and hit those pigs.

When I came into this world, I didn't intend to go back alive.

29. January is a rare month when people no longer care about the boat tickets, because they can't even buy tickets to go home.

30. If you want to know what despair is, buy a bunch of lottery tickets.

3 1. Some time ago, during the final review, a classmate went to the teacher and drew a key point. The teacher said, "What is the key point of your medical study? Can't the patient see you? You tell him that your illness is not the point. Why don't you go home and have a look? " Medical students can't afford to be injured. ...

In fact, you don't have to feel inferior, because you have won the championship among tens of millions or even hundreds of millions of players.

33. Man is iron and rice is steel. If you don't eat for a day, you will be hungry.

34. Extraordinary appearance is important even to wild animals.

I allow you to come into my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in my world.

36. If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

37. Big Wolf, big stupid Wolf, can never beat Pleasant Goat, but also serve Red taro.

38. The most beautiful thing in the world is eating and sleeping.

39. The so-called difference in values is that if you give a candle, some people will feel that there is a cake missing, and some people will feel that there is a whip missing.

40. A telephone has just been installed in the dormitory. 1 10 Everyone in the dormitory should follow the example of other dormitories and wait for the phone to ring. Pick up the receiver and say softly, "Hello, this is 1 10".

4 1, the thought of 20xx coming, the thought that I still owe money to the bank, I can laugh in my dreams!

42. Woman: "Why did you lie to me? Your dad obviously burns boilers, but you say he can manage more than 65,438+10,000 people. " Man: "Yes, 1000 people drink boiled water."

You are good to me, so I can't help but want to bully you.

44, dear, tell you, age is not a problem, height is not distance, weight is not pressure, money is not ability. So we must be together forever! Watching you happy every day!

45. The driver ran over a cat. He asked the children on the roadside, "Is this cat yours?" Child: "It's the same size and color as mine, but my cat is not as flat as it."

46. Life is a hundred times more cruel than comics. It has arranged countless Pang Hu who like to bully you, countless strong men who like to laugh at you, and an Yijing who you will never catch up with, but never thought of giving you a real robot cat.

47, you are not a VIp, not even an Ip, you are just a P!

Monitor, look how determined I am.

49. I am cute and responsible. What did I do wrong?

A happy day is a day when you are full and go to bed.

5 1, a jet fighter roared past in the sky, and the bird was surprised to see it. Bird: "Mom, why does that bird fly so fast?" Mother bird: "Try setting a fire on your ass!" " "

52. Money can buy a house, but it can't buy a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!

53. Life is like an angry bird. There are always a few pigs laughing when they fail.

54, insomnia, because sleep is too heavy, thinking that if you sleep less for one night, you will die.

55, the red apricot does not go out of the wall, resolutely pull it out.

56. Even if you want to cry again, smile and say, Damn you!

Even if I were a toad, I would never marry my mother toad.

58. Every time the nurse sister comes to give me an infusion, I pretend I don't know what this rubber tube is tied to my hand. In fact, I just want to hear three soft words in the nurse's sister's mouth: pulse compression band. ...

59. Youth is like mahjong. You either beat it or touch yourself. How many otaku and rotten women have been counted, and how many institutions have been counted, just to enjoy the moment of being knocked down.

60, once played here Phoenix, so that this place is named after them, failed to keep the appointment, and waited all night. From then on, Wan Li cried.

6 1, love is desperate and enduring everything.

62, eat, I want, thin, I also want, can't have both, and left.

63. I'm looking forward to the month of 65438+ 10, because there are only two serious things in the whole month of 65438+ 10: having a holiday and waiting for a holiday.

64. Sanlu and Mengniu tell us a truth: animals are unreliable.

65, a person, if you don't push yourself, don't know how good you are. ...

Complete works of classic jokes

First, in today's society, walking to work is a bit tiring, taking a bus to work is a bit crowded, riding a bike to work is a bit degenerate, and the whole motorcycle to work is neither tired nor crowded, but it is a bit cold. Driving? A little distressed.

In physical education class, the teacher asked: Which country has the largest population? A: China; Which sport is the most enjoyable? A: Football. Which sport is the most entertaining? A: Football is in China!

Third, I have great courage and am often scared; I have a big temper. What is the humiliation of my crotch? The personality is very embarrassing, and I haven't found the characteristics yet; I am shallow-skinned, only pestering you; If you smile when you receive a text message, I will frown.

The magician on the ship is caught by his parrot every time he does magic. One day, while he was doing magic, the ship hit a rock and sank. He and the parrot lay on a board and looked at each other for three days before the parrot said, big brother, I took it. Where did you change boats?

It is not difficult to light a cigarette frequently. On the table, some people advised that public relations should tackle key problems; Play mahjong several times, a lot of friends; Flattery is unusual, and the cause will always move forward; Text messages are the most important and the best to remember. I wish you all the best!

6. Be an open-minded person and don't go out if you have nothing to do. The world can't stand harm, and Furong becomes a slim girl. Xifeng moved to the United States, and the model of Brother Sharp got wind of it. I can't afford a panda, so I'm a tough guy. Not if you refuse!

Seven, Lao Li thrifty, the only problem is stuttering, love to count, one. Lao Li's girlfriend is frugal. Once she called, Lao Li stammered with nervousness. Lao Li's girlfriend is anxious: Come on, it's all money!

Eight, the idea of cooling off the heat: imagine yourself in the cold ice palm and suddenly melt; Or imagine you are romantic on the Titanic, and suddenly an iceberg strikes and you fall into the cold water; How about watching another ghost movie? I wish you a "scare" to clear your heart!

Nine, life is easy, life is easy, and life is really not easy. Whether rich or poor, happiness is a good life. Crying is not life, laughing is not life, and wry smile is not life. Cry or laugh, wonderful is a wonderful life.

Ten, my husband's unit issued bonuses, and only 40% came to me. So I coerced and asked where another large sum of money went. My husband told me mischievously: "I won't tell you if you kill me." You haven't done a honey trap yet! " "

Eleven, "a beautiful young woman asked a fireman," you must have spent a lot of effort to save me from danger? Fireman: "Yes, I beat three firemen away for this!"! " " "

You know, when I miss you, I bite my finger. Since I fell in love with you and cultivated this hobby, I have never used nail clippers again, and my nails are still very clean. This is the price of love!

Thirteen, the father looked at the test paper in his son's hand and cried and said, "How could I have a son who didn't live up to expectations like you? I actually got 0 points this time." The son said, "This is the test paper I found when you were a child."

Fourteen, I want to hold you in the palm of my hand and serve you attentively; I want to hold you in my arms and raise you carefully; I will try my best to take care of you: I will turn you into a cute little fat pig. When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I would graduate. I wanted to say 2000, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago ..." What's more, the examiner even lamented, "A student of Confucius."

Fifteen, there are two kinds of difficulties in the world: one is to put your own thoughts into other people's heads, and the other is to put other people's money into your own pockets. The former is called the teacher's success, the latter is called the boss's success, and both are called the wife's success.

Sixteen, thinking about your passion, watching you eager to try, kissing your face, burning your desire, loving you with a red face, pulling you into a fog! You make me love and hate, my favorite pepper!

Seventeen, you don't want me, a little lonely; I'm a little sad not to contact me; For you, remember me; Pray deeply that you will fall when you walk, choke when you drink water, and have no hope of getting rich. Don't blame me for being cruel and scared? Well, you know!

Classic jokes and complete works of jokes

The commander ordered everyone to report to the opposite mountain.

The first person is late. He said, report to the captain! I ride a bike, and my bike is broken. I changed my car and it broke down. I rode a horse and it died. I'm leaving!

The second person was late, too. He said, report to the captain! I ride a bike, and my bike is broken. I changed my car and it broke down. I rode a horse and it died. I'm leaving!

The third man was late, too. He said, Report to the captain! I ride a bike, and my bike is broken. I changed my car and it broke down. I rode a horse and it died. I'm leaving!

The fourth man came up and said, report to the captain! I ride a bike. My bike is broken. I change trains. ...

Before he finished, the commander shouted loudly, "Don't tell me that the car is broken and you ride a horse. Come here if the horse dies!" "

The fourth person who was late said, report to the captain! No, there are too many dead horses on the road to drive. ...

In a dormitory of Shenzhen University, classmate A is playing StarCraft, and Huawei recruiter B walks into the dormitory.

B: Hello, classmate. I'm from Shenzhen Huawei. This is the introduction of our company. Can you take a moment to look at it?

Can't you see I'm busy?

(b waits for a while ...)

Look around, classmate. Our company pays well ~

I don't study very well. I failed several courses!

B: That's all right. We guarantee that you can all pass the make-up exam and get your diploma ~

A: I failed Band 4!

B: That's all right. We are sure that you can pass the graduation smoothly ~

Classmate A had no choice but to sign the contract because it didn't affect playing games. . .

The company organized a trip to Huangshan Mountain. When I passed a toilet, my colleague wanted to go in and take a nap. It happened that several foreigners followed him. I hadn't waited outside for half a minute when my colleagues ran out in a panic.

"So soon?"

The colleague replied with a sad face: "Alas, I really can't get away!" Avoid first, avoid first ... "

A novice went to collect usury. He took out the IOU and said with a smile: It is written clearly in black and white, and you owe my boss 1 10,000! Do you want to default? !

People really don't have that much money, he threatened: hum! Don't blame me for not reminding you! If you can't pay it back tomorrow, your house will be just like it-he took out his lighter and burned the loan. ...

In order to prove that spiders' hearing is on their feet, a university graduate student did the following comparative experiments:

1: College students put a spider on the experimental platform, and then shouted at the spider, and the spider scared away!

2. Say that finish, college students caught the poor spider back, put it on the experimental platform, and cut off all the spider's feet!

He yelled at the spider again, and the spider stopped moving!

This proves that the spider's hearing is on the foot!

There is a new kind of wine in the bar. In order to attract customers, a sign was set up at the door, which read: whoever can complete our three tasks with a bottle of our new wine will drink it for free in our store for one month!

An alcoholic tried it, and a bottle of it staggered and asked the boss what his task was. The boss said to him:

1. Skip the brazier we gave you.

Pull out a bad tooth for the hippo in the zoo opposite.

Go to the fourth floor next door and meet all the requirements of a widow.

So the drunkard started to do it. ....

He jumped over the brazier easily.

Then I went to the zoo and went to the hippo. The bar owner stood at the door waiting for him, only to hear a scream from the hippo inside. The boss thought: this guy is really good!

After a while, the drunk came out drunk. He asked the boss: where is that ... that woman ... wants to have her teeth pulled out ... again?

One day, the biology teacher asked, "What bear has no tail?"

A student said, "koala."

The teacher asked, "What is a bear without a neck?"

A student said, "There are no bears."

The teacher asked again, "What is a bear without a penis?"

A student replied, "There are no birds or bears."

Teacher: "Wrong!"

A student replied, "Well, there are no chickens or bears."

Teacher: "Wrong! Alas ..... It's a female bear! ... today's children ... "

The teacher said, "The pig is a very useful animal. Its meat can be eaten, its skin can be made into leather, and its hair can be made into brushes. Now who can say that it has other uses? "

"Teacher," a student stood up and answered, "its name can call names."

One day, a professor suddenly stopped teaching and told everyone earnestly: if the students sitting in the middle can be as quiet as the boys sitting in the back playing cards, then the female students sleeping in front will not be disturbed.

A student has had a crush on his teacher for a long time. One day, he finally got up the courage to confess to the teacher. The teacher kept telling him that he was wrong and so on, but the student was stubborn and wouldn't listen. He also said that love has no age. Finally, the teacher couldn't stand it.

He said, "I don't want children! 』

I saw the pupils' satisfied smiles and said, "Teacher, I will be very careful!" " ! ? "

One day, Xiaoming came to visit his future mother-in-law. Mother-in-law: "Sit anywhere, the food is almost ready!" " "Then I went into the kitchen and began to get busy. At this time, only nervous Xiao Ming and his mother-in-law's dog Xiao Bai were left in the living room.

Suddenly, Xiao Ming found a sharp pain in his stomach. He thought, no! I must hold back! But he couldn't help it, poof! He farted invincible, and he thought, this is a dead man, and he will be driven out! Unexpectedly, my mother-in-law just shouted "Little White!" Xiaoming thought with relief: Fortunately, Xiaobai is my scapegoat.

Then he couldn't help farting for the second time, but his mother-in-law shouted "Xiao Bai!" " "

When he farted for the third time, he saw his mother-in-law rush out and shout, "Little White! You don't want to run until you stink, do you? ! "

One morning, firecrackers sounded and I don't know who opened a small cinema. On the first day, a movie was shown. The advertisement read "The Story of Seven Men and One Woman" with a caption: A beautiful woman fainted for no reason, and seven men were forcibly dragged into the forest; Waiting for the beauty ... everyone felt very attractive and bought tickets one by one. When the movie was shown, Snow White appeared on the big screen, and everyone left in a rage.

The next day, everyone passed by the small cinema again and saw that the advertisement had changed. The advertisement tells the story of seven men and one woman, and explains that it is like the ecstasy of a beautiful boys and seven men for several days (by no means Snow White). This time, everyone felt more attractive than last time, and it was not Snow White, so they bought tickets to enter. As a result, the words "Eight Immortals Crossing the Sea" appeared on the big screen! ! !

Two students with poor grades came together after the exam.

"Jack, how did you do in the exam?"

"Nothing, I handed in a blank sheet of paper. What about you, Siri? "

"Hey, me too!"

"How is that possible? People will say that we are cheating. "

A 40-year-old girl is good-looking, has a job and a stable income. One day Xiao Ming asked her: You have such good conditions, why don't you get married? The girl replied: I was on the track and field team when I was a child. I was injured once and left a scar on my foot. Xiao Ming asked: There is a scar on the soles of your feet. What does it have to do with whether you are married or not? The girl replied: Yes! What do you care if I get married or not?

One day, Xiao Ming took a fancy to a beautiful girl and wanted to chase her. As a result, the girl told him, wait a minute, I'll look in the mirror and see what's wrong with me. Even you want to chase me?

One day, Xiao Ming dressed up and drove a sports car. He was very excited to go to the party. He thought that the conditions were so good that he must be the favorite of many hot girls, but he appointed three dinosaur sisters to take his car. Xiao Ming was so angry that he didn't want to say a word and drove with a long face. Unexpectedly, the dinosaur sisters spoke: handsome boy, you are in a bad mood! Otherwise, why don't you talk? Xiao Ming replied coldly: Have you ever seen a garbage truck driver talk to garbage?

In high school, the students next door did a wonderful thing. A poor teacher raised his hand in their class:

"Teacher, I want to make a phone call ..."

"What's your name in class? 」

The teacher said crossly.

"I want to call the police! Someone here is cheating money on the podium! 」

The whole class laughed wildly, and the teacher was so angry that he could not speak.