It’s a holiday,,, looking for a joke

1. A priest was playing golf, and a nun was watching. The first shot missed, and the priest cursed: "TMD, missed!" He hit again, and the priest cursed again: "TMD. , Missed again!" The nun said, "As a priest, God will punish you for swearing." As soon as he finished speaking, a thunderbolt struck the nun to death. The priest was puzzled: Why was it me who cursed, and why did he kill the nun? At this time, God’s voice was heard from the sky: “TMD, I missed the target too!”

2. Believer: “Almighty God, how long is ten thousand years to you? ”

God: “It takes me a blink of an eye.”

Believer: “What about 1 billion yuan?”

God: “It’s just me.” Just a hair."

Believer: "Oh, merciful God, please give me a hair."

God: "No problem, wait." I’ll give it to you in a blink of an eye.”

3. The head coaches of the football teams of China, Japan and South Korea came to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would win the World Cup. God said: South Korea needs 50. Year. The Korean coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. God said again: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. The Chinese coach quickly asked: Where are we? God cried loudly: I can’t see him anymore.

4. There was a man who had a son in middle age, and he doted on him very much. He worked hard to raise his son to adulthood, and worked hard to support his son through college. Hungry and frugal, he bought a house for his son, married a wife, and became old himself. However, the son was unfilial and drove him out of the house on a stormy night. The old man came to a dilapidated temple to take shelter from the rain. The old man was very sad and looked up to the sky and sighed: God, why are you so unfair to me? After a flash of lightning, an older voice said: "This is retribution." At this time, the old man saw an older man coming in and out of the corner of the ruined temple. The old man was shocked: "Are you God?" The older man said: "Asshole! You kicked me out more than 20 years ago. I am your father, and you don't recognize me anymore?"

5. In the barber shop, when the priest finished cutting his hair and handed over the money, the barber said: "I won't charge you any money, I will treat it as serving God." The next morning, the barber saw the shop There was a thank you letter and several Bibles in front of the door.

A few days later, a police officer wanted to pay for a haircut. The barber said: "I won't charge you any money. I will treat it as serving our community."

The next morning, the barber saw another thank you letter and some "Community Service Manual" in front of the shop.

A few days later, a government official came to get a haircut. When he paid for it, the barber said to him: "I won't take your money. I will treat it as a haircut for the government." ment service.” The next morning, the barber saw a row of government officials standing in front of the door.

6. One day, Clinton’s wife Chirac was taken to see God. There are many watches hanging in God's living room, and some of these watches run fast and some run slowly. So she asked the servant of God: "Why does God collect so many watches? And these watches don't go at the same speed?"

The servant of God said: "These watches represent human life , Everyone in the world has a similar watch. If he has many affairs, his watch will run faster, and if he has no affairs, his watch will run slower."

After hearing this, Chirac said. He looked around and said, "Why don't you see my husband Clinton's watch?" God's servant said, "God took your husband's watch to the office and used it as an electric fan!

7. A pair The old couple, whose sons were born in the same year and on the same day, have lived together for 35 years. Today, they held a banquet to celebrate their 60th birthday. During the banquet, God came and praised the old couple as a true "loving couple." , and promised to give each of them a wish. The old lady said excitedly: "We are very poor. I just want to see the world and do a global tour." "

God waved his hand, and with a bang, a dozen plane tickets fell from the air into the old lady's hands. It was time for the old man to make a wish. He thought for a while and said: "I I want to marry a woman 30 years younger than me.

”

God touched his hand again, bang!...

The old man suddenly became 90 years old

8. God pinched a person with mud, Since then, there have been human beings;

The first ones were white people---because God put the clay figures on the fire to roast them lightly;

Then there were black people---because they were worried that the fire would not be enough. It turned out to be big;

Later, we mastered the optimal heat and we became the yellow race, so we are God’s most successful masterpiece.

9. Little Peter. He proudly said to his friends: "My uncle is a priest, and everyone calls him respected priest. "

Little Paul said: "My uncle is a bishop, and anyone who talks to him calls him "Your Excellency." "

Little Lacus was unconvinced: "What's so great about this. My uncle weighs 150kg. "

Everyone saw him and shouted: "Oh! my god! "

10. A woman complained about her husband: "He is so stupid, he can neither drink nor gamble?"

"You are so lucky to have found a man. A model husband."

"But he doesn't know how to drink but insists on drinking, and he doesn't know how to gamble but insists on gambling." ..

11. The woman went to the temple to pray to the gods. , prayed devoutly: "May the Great Immortal bless my son to get 100 points in the Chinese test, 100 points in the math test, and 100 points in the history and geography tests." "

My son reminded: "There is also English. "

"English will go to the church on Sunday to pray for Jesus," the woman replied, "Wong Tai Sin doesn't understand English. "

12. In fact, we were destined in our previous life, and we only met in this life.

I was old then, so you took care of me, and you carried me when I was tired.

p>

I often pat your back and say gratefully: Old man, thank you for your hard work! I can’t remember a lot of things, but I remember that my name was Zhang Guolao at that time.

13. Two drunk men were walking on the railway track.

After walking a while, the drunk man in front said: "Why are the stairs so long today?" Have you walked for 40 minutes and still haven’t finished? "

The drunk man behind said: "MD, the armrest is still so low..."

14. I remembered that there was a classmate in high school who was very naughty. After he was caught playing cards in class, he was asked to write Check. The next day, after the other card players read the check in class, he walked up to the podium and said: "As the saying goes: 'Unexpected things happen in the sky, and misfortunes and misfortunes happen to people.' I was caught playing cards in class yesterday by the teacher..." Our teacher was stunned on the spot! That guy is now studying in the directing department. I wonder how the teacher at the university can handle it?

15. There is a classmate who always starts his essays with onomatopoeia, such as " "Dongdongdong, a burst of drum sound came", "La la la, a burst of singing came" and so on. It's really cold to hear the sound before seeing the person!

16. My classmates and I So-and-so went out to ride a bicycle together, and his valve core was broken, so I took out mine and installed it for him, and we rode home happily together.

17. The 100 meters finally started, and the students ran out like wild dogs.

18. The PLA uncles crawled forward one by one, like green caterpillars squirming on the ground.

p>

19. "I died in the classroom due to illness..." "My brother has a new shaved head, like a little bald donkey in Shaolin Temple..."

20. , His **** is really long.

21. The old and young men are throwing darts.

22. When I was in elementary school, I was very used to writing about good people and good deeds, so some people always wrote about picking up money in the park, so in order to exaggerate their achievements, some people wrote that they picked up 100 million yuan in the park, and they were all 10 yuan thick. There was a Chinese language document (for fourth grade) that was so thick that the teacher read it out on the spot.

23. The old lady took out four 500 yuan bills.

24. "I have a classmate, he is neither tall nor short, he is over 1.76 meters and under 1.78 meters..." Works by a junior high school classmate...

25. Everyone has written: The weather is really nice today, the sky is clear, and there are white clouds floating in the sky...

26. A primary school teacher wrote a semi-proposition composition: "My xxx" and wrote about random people and things. The title of the classmate's composition is: "My Comrade Qiu Shaoyun".

27． When I was a child, I kept a diary. The teacher stipulated that it should be more than 200 words. I was in a group of four, and the group leader checked the word count. A friend in my group wrote, "Today, my mother asked me to go out to buy groceries. I asked how much it cost per pound." , the vegetable seller said 5 points, and I said: It’s really cheap, it’s really cheap, it’s really cheap, it’s really cheap...” The team leader counted and still had 4 words left, so my friend added, “It’s really cheap.”

28. …My teacher is a bit fat, with a big head, big eyes, big nose, and even a big mouth. ...The teacher is very kind to people. He wears a pair of color-changing glasses, just like a giant panda...

29. "A red sun reflects the morning sun... As primary school students in the new era, we know very well that Beijing is close to the capital..."

30. Do you still remember "Tadpole Looking for Mom" ??from elementary school? At that time, the teacher asked us to imitate this and write an essay about our mother... One classmate wrote like this: My mother's snow-white belly and bulging eyes...

31. I once peeked at a girl's composition, and the most chilling thing was: If I become a nurse in the future, I will treat patients like a lover.

32. A sister's nephew, using "brand new" in a sentence, "a brand new vegetative person was born"... (Credit to Zhao Benshan) Real person, true story, absolutely original.

33． I came to the TV and turned on the TV!

34. This classmate wrote: "Guoqiang (one of my male classmates) is sitting on a stool, with a big butt like a pumpkin in the field, and a large pair of JIE underwear exposed under his clothes." The teacher read it out during class and said this The classmate described vividly that this classmate was beaten by that classmate after class...

35. When I was in third grade, another teacher once took over the class. We are asked to write an article "A Corner of My Home". So I wrote: The corner of my house is very beautiful, round and bright, and it is a toilet.

36． On a dark night, the tadpoles in the pond were basking in the sun!

37. Diary - Day 1: Today I went to my mother's workplace to play and I had so much fun.

The next day: Yesterday I went to my mother’s workplace to play and I had so much fun.

Day Three: Today I remembered again that I went to my mother’s unit the day before yesterday and had a great time.

38． Famous quotes from classmates: The wild geese flew miemie in the sky; the round moon looked like a curved bow.

39. The teacher asked me to make sentences using "more...more...more...". A classmate wrote, "Anerle sanitary napkins are drier, more refreshing, and more secure."

40. The most true thing: a sentence made by my deskmate in elementary school. The teacher asked us to use the word "sure enough" to make sentences, so my deskmate wrote: I haven't showered in three months, and my body really stinks.

41． I went for a walk with my dad this evening. I suddenly said to my dad: "Dad, I have an ominous premonition." As a result, my dad scolded me... I was very surprised why Athena could say this to the Saint. If so, why can’t I tell my father?

42. When I was in elementary school, I heard someone say that a wild donkey ran the fastest, so I compared a classmate to "He can run faster than a wild donkey." Later, the teacher said that I shouldn't write like this, and I was wondering why it couldn't work...

43. I walked into a department store. Ah, it seems that people's living standards have indeed improved. Look at the old farmer, running away with a refrigerator in his left hand and a TV in his right hand.

44. There is also an article about a teacher, introducing the teacher’s appearance. It should be "The teacher has a face with melon seeds", but sometimes it is written as "The teacher has a face with claws". Our Chinese teacher almost went crazy.

45. The content of "My Classmate" is probably: One time I was sick, and he gave me tutoring regardless of rain or shine. It was pouring rain and thundering that day. I thought he would not come, but he came despite the rain... He died of a high fever the next day. I will always miss this good friend.

46． There is a reading question on the primary school Chinese language test paper, which basically talks about a mother who endured all kinds of hardships for her children and died in the end. After reading, students were asked to say a few words to their mother on Qingming Festival a year later. A primary school student wrote: "I wish my mother a happy Tomb Sweeping Day, may you be as blessed as the East China Sea, and live as long as the Southern Mountains!".

47. The student climbed over the wall into the school and was caught by the principal.

Principal: Why not go through the school gate?

The student pointed at the clothes: Metersbonwe, don’t take the usual path!

Principal: How did you climb over such a high wall?

The student patted his pants: Li Ning, everything is possible!

Principal: How does it feel to climb over the wall?

The student pointed at the shoes: Xtep, it feels like flying!

The next day, students came in through the main entrance.

Principal: Why don’t you go over the wall today?

The student pointed to the shoes: Anta, I choose what I like!

Principal: Why not wearing school uniform?

The student lifted his pants: Semir, you can wear whatever you want.

Principal: Aren’t you afraid that I won’t let you into the school?

The student patted his clothes: You are a noble bird, unstoppable.

The principal was furious: I will give you a serious offense!

Student dissatisfaction: why?

The principal sneered: M-Zone, I have the final say on my territory!