After reading these funny phrases, I was more than shocked.

Introduction: Yesterday, after dinner, my wife suddenly complained to me. Wife: "I really don’t know how my flower was inserted into your pile of cow dung." When my IQ suddenly fell apart, When he was anxious, my son added: "If you were flowers, cows wouldn't poop." Damn, you are really my own child.

1. I was very thirsty at noon, so I went to the tuck shop and bought a bottle of iced black tea. I drank half of it and realized it was a fake. I drank it without saying anything. One look at the bottle cap and get another bottle. Immediately tell the boss that you have won the prize and give him another bottle. The boss said calmly, take a closer look. I looked at it and said, fuck, buy another bottle...

2. Smog and dust are blowing to Taiwan. Many old people took to the streets, opened their hands, looked up at the sky at 45 degrees, with tears streaming down their faces, took a deep breath, and said excitedly: It has been 60 years, it has been 60 years, and I finally smell the earthy smell of my hometown.

3. A friend went shopping for home appliances and saw a household scale on the ground. The friend was fat and wanted to try it when he saw the scale. So I immediately stepped on it, and there was a "bang" sound, and it turned out later that it was an induction cooker."

4. On this day, Fatty, a college student, went to the cafeteria to get rice. Oh my God, there were six of them in the rice. Cockroaches! Ah Fat came to the meal window angrily and slammed the stainless steel lunch box on the window sill - six cockroaches! In an instant, the noisy cafeteria fell silent and everyone was watching the meal. The chef calmly pushed Fatty's lunch box out without changing his expression and said, "How many times have I told you that you can only get one red bean paste bun after gathering seven cockroaches!" "

5. When I was in college, I chased a girl and confessed my love several times to no avail. Later, the girl texted me and asked me to go to the park on the weekend. I was so excited that I didn't sleep well at night. I was invited to the Yellow River Park on the weekend. I left. After a while, the girl said: "There is something I have always wanted to say to you..." I was so excited and thought that there was something interesting about this, so I said, "Just say it, I will listen." Then she told me: "I've seen the Yellow River too, have you given up this time?" ! ! ”

6. I just want to remind everyone, don’t panic when you meet a laughing person on the bus. He may be reminding you that someone is stealing your things. I won’t say more, it’s all tears. A group of people asked me to go home and take medicine. It’s hard to be a good person! ,,

7. My brother in the upper bunk of my university dormitory once had a fight with his girlfriend. I made his girlfriend cry, and this time I was lying on the upper bunk, crying humbly and calling to apologize. I was playing on the computer at the time, so I played an erhu version of "Desire" for him as background music. The atmosphere was so miserable. Except for him, everyone in the room had sore faces~~

8. The hunter saw two birds on the tree while hunting. He raised his gun and shot down one, and found that it was a hairless one. Just as he was wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn it, you just knocked her down as soon as I coaxed her to take off her clothes...

9. Dad and son watch costume dramas together. , the son asked, "Dad, why is the emperor called the emperor?" Dad said perfunctorily: "He thinks he is the son of God, so he is called the Son of Heaven." The son suddenly understood and nodded and said: "Then you are grandma's son, why don't you call..." "Pa..." "Get out!"

10. A village chief came home after drinking too much and entered the pig pen by mistake. He lay down next to the sow and said: Wife, pour me a glass of water. If you don't fall down, why are you being coquettish? I touched it casually and said: I am buying a leather jacket, or a double-breasted one.

11. One time, I was playing badminton with a few friends. Among them, a beautiful girl played doubles with me. The atmosphere was very pleasant and somewhat ambiguous. When we were leaving after playing, MM said: "Give me your mobile phone." I said dumbfounded: "This is the only mobile phone I have, and I still need to use it." Then, there was nothing more...

12. One day, my brother said that he wanted to introduce a beautiful girl to me. I dressed up at home for an hour and made an appointment with this girl in a coffee shop. She was a top beauty. I got on top of Stephen Chow and tried his best to amuse the girl. She was grateful to my brother and wanted to develop further. , the old man showed up unaware of the current affairs, sat upright next to the girl, hugged her and kissed her loudly on the face in public and said, "We all know each other, your sister-in-law, isn't she beautiful...", I cried, this is my biological brother No, there is such a deception...

13. There were too many people on the bus. It was very hot and stuffy. I don’t know who farted. Now the environment has deteriorated even more.

My friend really couldn't bear it, and he didn't know who it was, so there was nothing he could do. Just then, the conductor was asking: "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had an idea and said loudly: "The one who farted didn't buy a ticket!" Suddenly, a very fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly: "I've already bought a ticket!"

14. When the wife is sleeping, the wife shakes her husband to wake him up, and can he sleep in a different position? The husband agreed, and the wife straddled her husband's body and slept on the other side. Not long after, the wife said again: Husband, I want to sleep over again; the husband stepped back to sleep without saying a word. Not even 5 minutes later, I woke up again and had to change positions! My husband is angry: Are you annoyed? Why are you going back and forth? The wife was even more angry than the husband, and shouted: You are like Dayu who controlled the floods, and you have never entered the house after three times!

15. After getting up yesterday morning, I happily said to my wife: Wife, I had a dream. I dreamed that I picked up 200 yuan! My wife said: Be careful today, the dream is reversed. Me: So you said I’m going to lose 200 yuan today? The wife hesitated for a moment and said: I confiscated the two hundred yuan in your wallet to prevent you from losing it. This dream is so fucking accurate!

16. When I was in college, the toilets were old-fashioned rows of pits with no doors. One night, the light in the toilet was broken, so I found a pit. When I squatted down, I held my buttocks with a strong hand, and a deep voice sounded: Someone is there!

17. The old couple were watching TV, and suddenly a beauty pageant was broadcast. When the old man saw it, he blushed and turned around to enter the house. The old lady laughed: The old man is quite feudal. After a while, the old man came back, sitting upright, with a pair of reading glasses on his face...

18. Today I went to Zhongguancun to repair my computer. While waiting, a man came in and said he wanted to buy a camera, and the boss gave it to him. I caught one. He held a camera and teased the boss's child, who was about 1 and a half years old. He held up the camera and asked the child to kiss him, or else he would take away his belongings. After saying that, he pretended to go out. The boss thought it was a joke, so he didn't I didn’t pay attention and then the guy took the camera and really left... The boss took a while to recover, and after chasing him out, no one was there...

19. On Valentine’s Day, I found one after wandering around. I sent her a text message on the phone number of the girl I had a crush on in middle school: If there is only one bowl of porridge, you drink half the bowl first, and I will put the remaining half bowl in my arms to keep you warm... A few minutes later, she replied SMS: Who introduced you? Four hundred at a time, seven hundred for the night.

20. It is said that a buddy took a plane for the first time. When he boarded the plane, he stood at the door of the plane and looked at the fuselage with fascination... The flight attendant looked at him in surprise. The buddy went up and faced The fuselage was slapped with just a few slaps, and while being slapped, I sighed: "People on the Internet say they often hit... planes, and today I finally hit a plane."

21. Steamed steamed buns at home for the first time. I was very happy. I took the steamed buns I made and happily said to my father: "Dad, how about you try the virgin steamed buns I made!"

22. Today, a buddy rode a motorcycle to pick up the steamed buns. He took me out for a ride, and I saw a red light on the road. Wearing jeans, I felt very uncomfortable riding in the car, so I stepped on the ground. Unexpectedly, the light suddenly turned green, and my friend stepped on the accelerator and ran out, leaving me alone. There were horses walking in the middle of the road in a messy manner.

23. When God closes a door, he may also clamp your head.

24. One day, Avatar and Smurf met in the toilet and accidentally saw each other's poop. They immediately clasped their hands and said in unison: "Brother, it turns out you are also a Lanxiang~~~" /p>

25. If time could be turned back, I would definitely spend my childhood with you: we would hide and seek, steal sweet potatoes, fish in rivers, fight grasshoppers... Then I would beat you, and if you cry, I would coax you. Be happy, play with you, and then beat you up.

26. "I heard you and your wife having a fierce quarrel last night. What was the result?" "She finally fell to the ground on all fours and crawled towards me on her knees." "Really? She told you something "What?" "She said: 'Get out from under the bed, you useless man! '"

27. After watching "Guardians of the Galaxy" with my wife, she started to act coquettishly: "Husband, The tree man is so cute, I like it so much!" I scratched the bridge of her nose lovingly, and then took her to the book store to buy a complete set of "The Complete Works of Lu Xun".

28. I was registering at the hospital just now, and someone jumped in line. I asked him: "Why don't you wait in line?" He said: "Because you have no quality." I was speechless.

29. I remember it was a cold night, and my ex suggested eating Malatang. I asked him cautiously: "Do you want to do what you do online and sleep with me several times a night with a bowl of Malatang?" "He quickly denied it, saying that he would never do that. I looked at him with disdain and said, "If you can't do it several times a night, then let's break up!"

30. The fat girl shook it off! car window and extend your arms outside the car. The master shouted: "Sister, it's so dangerous, why do you put your hands out?" The fat girl: "I put my arms outside the car, so I can save one person's space!"

Editor Quote: The elephant and the mouse went swimming. The mouse was rummaging through the pile of clothes on the beach looking for his swimming trunks, while the elephant was already playing in the water. "Come up, come up!" the mouse shouted. The elephant raised its head out of the water in confusion and waddled ashore towards the mouse: "Why did you ask me to come up?" "Hey~, I just wanted to see if you were wearing my swimming trunks!" I was simply shocked. Got it! Do you know what the ancients said in their congratulatory messages when they got married?

My sister got married, my second uncle wrote an article, and my eldest uncle read aloud. They were all old-school intellectuals, college students before liberation. At the time I thought it was really noble. The original text is as follows (the name of the couple has been withheld to protect privacy):

How does a person treat righteousness and benefit, honor and disgrace, pain and pleasure, gains and losses? Is it fair, decent, honest, kind, and open-minded? , free and easy, friendly and honest, which can be clearly seen from his attitude towards money. If a person does not care about money, he will not be obsessed with money, worry about gains and losses, let alone be corrupt, violate laws and disciplines. Su Dongpo's detachment from money determined his detachment from life.

On the 20xx day of X month in the park, on the XX month of the lunar calendar year, I would like to congratulate my niece on my wedding with my precious delicacies

Cover news

Yizheng Qiankun and his wife are the beginning of human relations

The poem Zhou Zhao’s marriage is the source of the king’s transformation

Therefore

The sound of the phoenix’s sonorous clang predicts its prosperity. Fifth Generation

In the Qingdong Tombs, which was tightly sealed in the name of military exercises, after seven days and seven nights of frantic excavation, all the buried treasures were wiped out. The whole country was in an uproar. The perpetrators were at large. Many national treasures are still missing. Unknown, it is a great loss to the country, which makes the people of the country angry!

The Song of Yaotao has been together for a hundred years

Today, Mr.

Ms. XX is a famous lady from the famous Shuyuan Embroidery Pavilion

Yun praised the beauty of the beautiful couplets

The joy of Kezhen's harp and harp tune

It is reported , Clegg is the first person in the world to install this kind of artificial heart that can keep blood flowing in his body, and he is also the first heartless person in the world to have no pulse and heartbeat! It is said that including former US Vice President Dick Cheung Thousands of patients, including Nick, have received similar heart assist surgeries, but those pumping devices are mainly used to help hearts that can still beat. They are not used in people like Clegg who no longer have a heart in their bodies. A world first. The president of the Texas Heart Institute said: This is another creation in medical history.

Increase the light of the Hong case

It is a good marriage with this Phoenix

Love in this good time and beautiful scenery, happy words and gifts *** sing together

Enter the bridal chamber and rejoice in the splendor of flowers and candles

In the winter of the 14th year of Emperor Wen’s reign, Shanyu personally led an army of 140,000 into Beidi County and occupied Chaona, Xiaoguan and Pengyang. After burning down the central palace, the forward troops reached Yong County and Ganquan, only 200 miles away from Chang'an, directly threatening the ruling center of the Western Han Dynasty. When Emperor Wen received the report, he immediately appointed Lieutenant Zhou Gu and Lang Zhongling Zhang Wu as generals. They sent out a thousand chariots and a hundred thousand horses to station near Chang'an to defend the capital. He also appointed Lu Qing, the Marquis of Chang'an, as the General of Shangjun, and Wei Jun, the Marquis of Ning, as the General of the North. Hou Zhouzao was the general of Longxi, Hou Zhang Xiangru of Dongyang was the general, and Chenghou Dong Chi was the former general. Dafa sent troops and chariots from Shangjun, Beidi, Longxi and other places to attack the Xiongnu. After more than a month of hard fighting, the old superior Shan Yufang withdrew from the fortress, and the Han Dynasty The army will return immediately after being driven out of the fortress, and no one can be killed. From then on, the Xiongnu became increasingly arrogant and entered the border areas. They killed many people and livestock, especially in Yunzhong and Liaodong, and even more than 10,000 people in Daijun. The Western Han Dynasty was deeply concerned about the danger and had to send envoys to make peace with the Xiongnu.

In the fourth year after Emperor Wen of the Yuan Dynasty, the old Shangji Chou Chanyu died, and his son, the military minister, appointed him as the Chanyu. He still regarded Zhongxing Shuo as his confidant and actively prepared to attack the Han Dynasty.

Seeing the joyous music and singing in the beautiful house

I am happy that the IKEA home is shining with bright doors and courtyards

Learn from the scriptures! Who learns from the scriptures? The Eastern Tang Dynasty! This Who is the controlling force, the Taoist sect? Whose sutras are taken? Of course it is the Tathagata's sutras! Can you see the mystery? The Jade Emperor is using his strength to intensify the two sects of Buddhism and Taoism through the deepening of the sutra collection project. contradiction. Wherever the scripture-seeking team goes, conflicts intensify (Sun Wukong, the main member of the scripture-seeking team, happens to have a bad temper, a natural trigger, and a good chess piece for intensifying conflicts). Naturally, the one who ultimately benefits is the heavenly side represented by himself. When cranes and clams fight, the fisherman will benefit! Even fame and fortune will be gained! This explains why the Jade Emperor vigorously promotes the scripture-retrieving project!

It is predicted that the future will be prosperous and the melons will be prosperous

Use Zhiyanxi to express your sincerity as an ode to the long-lasting happiness

Special congratulations to the Yuanmeng alliance and write an ultimatum to express your love and kindness

Yin Zhen's auspicious journey The gift of union

The vow

The joy of marrying the piano and the harp for a hundred years

The celebration of the five-year-old prosperity and early cooperation with Xiong Zhi

Uncle XX leads the whole family

The best way to love someone at thirty is to take good care of yourself and give the other person a high-quality lover. If you don't do your best to be nice to someone, that person will love you desperately. Emotions in this world inevitably have a practical side. You are valuable, and only your efforts will be valued.

Congratulations on the New Year

There are two main sources of palace ladies. In addition to folk beauty pageants, there are also confiscated wives and daughters of criminals. For example, the Wenming Queen Feng of the Northern Wei Dynasty, whose father Feng Lang was worshiped as an assassin, was executed for a crime, and she was banished to the palace. Empress Zheng of Tang Xiaoming was earlier taken as a concubine by the rebel leader Li Na. After Li's defeat, she was sentenced to be a palace maid. Concubine Li Shier of the Jin Yuan Dynasty had her parents imprisoned in the palace due to family sins. According to government regulations, the daughter of a prisoner must enter the palace. The wives and daughters of these criminals were no different from other civilian women after entering the palace, so there was no discrimination at all.

After reading these life stories, I feel very heavy

1. Sometimes, all your plans for life are not worth one ill-intentioned arrangement of fate.

2. Saying others are selfish is often because there is no better reason. If your belongings are taken away by others, you would say that he stole or robbed, but you would not say that he was selfish. Only when something belongs to someone else, but he can't get it when he wants it, and can't think of any other excuse, can he be called selfish. True selfishness is blindly asking others to be selfless.

3. Life is like a pencil that you keep using. It is very sharp at first, but slowly it becomes smooth. However, it is not good to be too smooth, which means that it is almost time to shave it off.

4. The greatest glory in life is not that it never falls, but that it always rises again after falling.

5. If someone is very kind to you, remember not to lose that person.

6. The so-called growing up is to finally realize that the world may not be as beautiful as we imagined when we were children. The people we love and the things we care about may deceive us, or they may If we leave, we may lose our loved ones or be betrayed, but we will still accept all the bad things that we are unwilling to face and live bravely.

7. Some people appear just to open our eyes. Therefore, people must be able to withstand lies, endure perfunctory, endure deception, forget promises, let go of everything, be refined over time, and be calm and calm.

8. Everyone has his own way, and every way is correct. The misfortune of people is that they don't want to go their own way, but always want to go other people's way.

9. What we do day after day determines who we are. Therefore, excellence does not refer to behavior, but to habits.

10. If someone hurts you, don’t thank those who hurt you. They did nothing to make you grow. What makes you grow is your reflection and strength, so thank yourself and your company. Just surround yourself with people. I have only one sentence for those who hurt you, I am living a very good life now.

11. Many people are not withdrawn, but socialize with principles and choices.

You can talk a lot to the person you like, but not a word to other people.

12. The love I want is very simple. When I speak, you listen; when I need you, you are there; when I turn around, you don't leave. That's enough.

13. I always feel that no matter how much you love someone, the prerequisite for starting a relationship is always to determine the character of the other person. Love can indeed change and whitewash a lot, but character has huge inertia. How it treats the world will sooner or later be how it treats you. Good people may not always be loyal when their origins and fates fade away, but when their passion fades away, their kind nature can at least allow each other to turn around in a more respectable way. This turn around is related to your future happiness. Life is long, and no matter how much you love, you have to leave a way for yourself.

14. Among a group of outstanding people, we often mistakenly think that we are one of them, and then forget to work hard.

15. The best feeling between two people is that they dislike each other on the surface but never leave each other in their hearts.

16. Women are great as long as they take care of themselves, so why should they take care of men? You don't need to control obedient men; you can't control disobedient men even if you want to. Don't worry about a man who treats you well; don't let you control a man who treats you badly. Don't worry about the man who loves you; don't worry about the man who doesn't love you.

17. The speed at which you handle your emotions is the speed at which you move towards success.

18. Every encounter in the world is a reunion after a long separation, and every separation may never see each other again in this life. Cherish every minute, cherish the moment, cherish the people around you who love you and you love!

19. Some people say they want to get married because they are older, some people say they want to get married because their parents urge them to, some people say they want to get married because they were hurt in their last relationship, and some people say they want to get married because they are hurt in their last relationship. The other party's conditions are good... It seems like I haven't heard for a long time that I want to get married because I love someone very much and want to be with them forever.

20. No love in the past, no love in the present, no welcome in the future.

21. We have worked so hard to come into this world, not to be sad about the bad things we see every day. We have cried enough when we were born. And none of us can go back alive. So, don’t spend all your time feeling depressed. Believe, be lonely, love, hate, and dream. You must believe that there will be no tomorrow that cannot be reached.

22. I have never had any dreams since I was a child. I have always been on the road regardless of the distance. I just sincerely hope that I will become a very powerful person. If you ask me what is great, it is probably to be able to protect my lover one day. Be worthy of your friends and support your family.

23. Life is about knowing your own value, what you can do and what you should do

24. My father said, there is nothing you should or should not do, but what you like most, Just learn whatever you want. But I'm not worried. Just ask what you like, right? I like literature, so why should I study literature? If you love reading novels, study novels? My father said that what I like is the one who is closest to me sexually, which is the most suitable for me.

25. I really want to contact you, I really want to care about you, I really want to know how you are doing recently, I also really want to hold you tightly and tell you that I love you very much and miss you very much. . But I'm sorry, my pride doesn't allow me to do this.

26. Don’t be too mean to the people who love you. There are only a few people who are really good to you in your life. How many people wake up when everything is about to be lost. Everyone has a temper. You hold back all your anger just because that person cares about you more than you do.

27. I don’t understand why there is such a feeling in the world, because a little bit of temptation at the first sight is a lifelong bond. I despise him very much, but I just live like this.

28. People do not travel by running outside. Sitting quietly and thinking is also traveling. Anyone who explores, pursues, and touches those unknowable situations, whether it is customary or spiritual, is a journey. kind of travel.

29. At that time, the future was far away and shapeless, and I didn’t know what to call my dream. I often walked a long way alone, and when the wind blew, I felt like a fallen leaf looking up at the stars. I want to know: Is someone coming towards me from somewhere in the world? Like light, after traveling from one star to another, you appear. Left again.

30. However, as a person grows older, his dreams are no longer light; he begins to weigh life with his hands, focusing more on fruits than flowers.

31. Many relationships do not need to be too close. We contact so many people every day. Not everyone has to be a friend. Many people are just scratching the surface. The friendship between gentlemen is as light as water. There is no need to exchange privacy or add WeChat. , most of the grievances, love and hatred are caused by being too close, and the relationship that was originally polite began to become shady and strange, making each other uncomfortable. Only with distance can there be respect. ——Mr. Zhuo Mo

32. When the mirror is dirty, we don’t mistakenly think that it is our own face that is dirty; then why do we think that it is ourselves who are in trouble when others casually say bad things?

33. Being down and out doesn’t mean that you can’t afford to eat, or that no one cares about you. It's that on the one hand you care about other people's eyes, but on the other hand you don't know where your own direction is.

34. A truly elegant lady never shows off everything she owns. She does not tell people what books she has read, where she has been, how many clothes she has, and what jewelry she has bought, because She has no inferiority complex.

35. I must not be the only weirdo in this city. There must be someone like me who sings to the night sky until dawn when he is empty. Maybe I will never meet him, but I am familiar with his mood. Funny quotes that shock people

1. Only fakes are real, everything else is fake!

2. I left with a frown on my face, just as I came with a wink.

3. You can’t miss yourself, take care of your pain, get your results, and give yourself happiness.

4. The greatest tragedy for a person is that he is unwilling to be himself.

5. Living is to keep tossing until one day you can no longer toss.

6. I firmly believe that there will be a man who came to this world to be tortured by me.

7. The reason why people live a tiring life is because they can’t let go of their arrogance, lose their face, and can’t resolve their complexes.

8. This person has been missing for many days. If there is an emergency, please use summoning to summon him.

9. You take your overpass and I take my underpass.

10. God will definitely forgive me, because that is his profession.

11. Master, when you put on this cassock, you will become my disciple.

12. Bixingxingdaiyue goes to work, and thousands of lights come home!

13. Only women and heroes have trouble, only wives and jobs are hard to find.

14. If you are destined not to give me the response I expect. Then stay at a safe distance.

15. When most people are concerned about whether you fly high, only a few people care about whether you are tired from flying. This is friendship

16. Men’s One half is about women, the other half is about how to fuck women.

17. The true meaning of an iron rice bowl is not to always have food to eat in one place, but to have food to eat wherever you go throughout your life.

18. Don’t be afraid of being used, just be afraid of being useless.

19. Female donor, please let me go. I still have a master at home!

20. Real good friends do not mean that they have endless topics to talk about when they are together, but that they do not feel awkward even if they are not talking.

21. The real society has ruined my chance to be a good person!

22. You can’t satisfy everyone, because not everyone is human!

23. Girls. At home, liberate your nature; outside, suppress your personality.

24. Living a crazy life repeatedly every day, when will it end?

25. If you don’t break out in the review, you will perish in the exam.

26. It’s not that I ignore you, it’s just that time is irresistible!

27. When I love you, what you say is what I say. What do you say you are when I don't love you.

28. Don’t forget to take advantage when you are at a loss. This is what “taking advantage is when you suffer”.

29. In the past, I used to make money while going to school, but now I make money while working.

30. Master, please give up on this idea. The poor monk loves the Taoist priest.