How many funny thieves have you seen?

I have an old subordinate who changed his job to become the deputy director of a local police station. I heard him talk about such a thing.

It is said that within the jurisdiction of their police station, there are two couples who have been arguing for a long time. The man has always suspected that the woman has a lover outside, but he has never been able to find a reason.

During that time, the couple had another big fight over something. The man wants to take this opportunity to find evidence that the woman has cheated. So, when the man went out in the morning, he left a note on the table at the door, saying that he was going on a business trip and would not come back until a week later.

When the woman got up in the morning and saw the note left by the man, she didn’t know if she also ran out to have a good time. Anyway, she also said in the note that she was going on a business trip, maybe even more so than the man. Come back a few days later.

It happened that that day, a thief broke into their house. When he saw the note on the table, he knew that the host and hostess were not at home, so he started to pack up valuable things in the house. Although no cash was found, there were two large bags of things that could be exchanged for money.

After packing up, I saw that there was wine at home, so I locked the door, opened the wine, and started drinking with the leftovers. After drinking, he fell asleep on the sofa in the living room.

As for the male owner of the house, after leaving the note, he went out for a walk, and at about 11 o'clock in the evening, he quietly came back and prepared to catch the adulterer. But when he took out the key, he couldn't open the door. This strengthened his judgment that his wife was stealing someone in the house, so he started knocking on the door.

The thief was sleeping soundly on the sofa. When he heard someone knocking on the door, he opened the door impatiently and yelled at the man: "Who are you looking for in the middle of the night?" When he saw a strange man opening the door and yelling at him, he was stunned, and then he judged that this man must be an adulterer. So he said, I'm looking for XXX (his wife's name). The thief said: "She's not here!" Then with a "bang" sound, he closed the door!

After the man was locked out, he immediately thought of calling the police, which meant asking the police station to prove that his wife had stolen someone. When he called the police, he claimed that a thief had broken into his home.

When the police arrived and broke into the house, they really caught a real thief. But the matter of men caught in rape has become a laughing stock. As for whether his wife really went on a business trip, I didn't find out later.

My uncle, who was a prison guard, told me about a thief. When I heard him talk about it, all the relatives in the room laughed so much that their stomachs ached. My second grandfather even laughed his dentures off on the spot. It is said that the thief stole a donkey in a neighboring village. He was hungry when he took it back. He ate noodles at a roadside stall. Because he was worried about the donkey, he took out his trousers and tied the donkey's reins through the loops of his trousers. Wear a ring through the lining, buckle it at the waist, tie it up and start eating. Halfway through the meal, the diner sitting next to him got into a quarrel with other diners and threw stools at each other. One of the stools happened to hit the donkey's hip, and the donkey howled miserably and ran away towards the original owner's house. The thief was caught off guard and was dragged around, his cotton trousers snatched away instantly. In those days, people generally talked about long johns outside, and even shorts were rare. The thief instantly became naked. He was anxious and ashamed. He chased him for a few steps. Seeing that he couldn't catch up, he had to squat down and pull down his coat. Hem protects birds.

When people saw this, those who were fighting stopped fighting, those who were quarreling stopped fighting, and everyone burst into laughter. The stall owner couldn't stand it, so she brought him a sack, cut out two holes, put it over his legs and covered his buttocks to cover his shame.

The donkey ran back, hit an old man halfway, and was intercepted. It happened to meet the joint defense team passing by, and saw a pair of trousers hanging on the reins. It felt strange, and took it from the trouser pocket. He took out a piece of cloth ticket and a receipt for paying lint, with his name stamped on it. He thought he had clues about the victim's compensation, so he went to the police station to report it, and the thief was caught. [Laughing and crying]

An unlucky thief

My relatives told me that something happened in 2015, which was both horrifying and a bit hilarious.

It was a night in early spring, around midnight, when the ringing of the phone woke up my sleeping relatives. It’s late at night, who’s still calling? The relative grumbled and reluctantly answered the inexplicable call. As soon as I picked up the call, I realized it was a neighbor calling. It turns out that the neighbor's man went out to work, and his wife was the only one at home. At this time, a horrifying voice came from the phone: "Brother, come and take a look, someone has come into my yard."

Relatives knew that his neighbor’s new house built in 2000 was a deep compound with very high walls. How did this person get in? With this question in mind, I carried the ladder and went over. Once we arrived at the scene, we set up a ladder and climbed up the wall with a flashlight. At first glance, I realized it was Qiu from the same village. He was nestled in the corner, unable to get in or out, with an embarrassed look on his face. Seeing this scene, the relative said something to the man: "What are you doing at someone else's house in the middle of the night and drinking?" A "ladder" was erected for Qiu. Qiu hesitated, his face was red, and he was dejected. 's gone.

Seeing his relatives coming over, his neighbor opened the door and said: "I slept for a while, and when I woke up, I heard a thud. I knew someone had come in, so I called you quickly. Thank you." Thank you!"

Later, I heard that the two families had arranged for Qiu to apologize privately under the mediation of their relatives.

Afterwards, everyone analyzed that Qiu must have gone to steal something. As for stealing goods or stealing sex, no one knew. However, this Qiu was also the most unlucky thief. He didn't steal anything, but he got himself trapped and couldn't get out. He became the laughing stock of the village.

A beautiful female colleague went to the park to relax. She sat on a bench and put her bag next to her. After a while, she got up and went to a nearby trash can to throw away garbage. She turned around and saw that the bag was gone. With the mentality of giving it a try, she borrowed her colleague's mobile phone and sent a text message to the thief. The general content was that you should return the documents in your wallet, and she didn't want the mobile phone or money in the bag.

The thief replied immediately after receiving the message, saying that he could return it, but he had to promise that she would not call the police. The girl said yes. The thief sent another message saying that beautiful women are the best at deceiving others and he had some scruples. The girl said that she had never lied to anyone and would never tell anyone.

Then the two agreed on a place to return the things. At the entrance of our very large supermarket, the girl took her boyfriend with her before going there. The boyfriend called a few friends and prepared to wait for the thief. Appeared and caught the thief.

When the agreed time came, the girl saw that the thief had not arrived yet, so she sent a message to the thief and asked him why he was not professional and no one came at the agreed time. The thief replied instantly and said to her, "Look ahead and see a cigarette box on the ground five meters away. Your ID card and bank card are in that cigarette box."

The girl walked over and picked up the cigarette case and saw that her ID card and bank card were indeed inside. There was also a note in the middle. She took it out and read it: I stole your bag, but you stole my heart. You put the photo in your wallet, and I kept it as a souvenir.

She took out the card and threw away the cigarette case. When her boyfriend saw that the thief did not show up, he led others around him. At this time, I received a text message from the thief. I was sincere to you, but you lied to me. It is true that beautiful women are the best at lying. We thieves are not as trustworthy as we are. Young people do not have martial ethics. I advise you to do it like a rat.

It may not be funny, but I think it’s quite interesting, so I’d like to share it with you.

Funny I have never seen a thief, but I have seen someone addicted to stealing. It was a village where I stayed in the army a few years ago. There was a man in this village who was a frequent thief. He stole countless things. When you asked him who he had stolen from and how many things he had stolen in total, you would know Question 3: I don’t know. I don’t know who I stole from. I don’t know how much I stole. I don’t know where Zang is. At first, his wife and children didn't know where his things came from, and he wouldn't tell them. Later, more people were lost in the village, and people spread the word among themselves about whose house had been stolen. This spread also attracted the attention of his wife. After checking that all the things he had stolen were old, she asked him where they were. He still didn't tell them what was coming. There was no way his wife went out to inquire about whose house something had been stolen, and asked people to claim it while he was in the field. The stolen things were taken away by people, but he didn't notice. Of course, he Stealing is also about small things, things that are worthless and troublesome, such as forks, rakes, brooms, shovels, hoes, and small farm tools.

Later, word spread in the village that he was stealing things, and people began to take precautions. No matter which house he went to, the owner would always send him out. Gradually, he could no longer steal from any house he went to. Talking in sleep did not attract the wife's attention at first. After a few days, the nephew lit a lantern to look after his uncle (old uncle). The wife thought he was sick and did not tell him if he was sick or not. He just did not sleep. He was spinning around in circles, and when he got sleepy, he went to sleep in a pit and talked in his sleep. Of course, the sound was not very loud. As time went by, his wife thought he had some evil disease or was following something. She was also a little afraid, so she called her sister-in-law to do some work at night. Companion, my sister-in-law is very brave and does not believe in any superstitions. She listens to what her brother said in her sleep at night. It turns out that what her brother said in his dream was that someone else's stuff was really good. If he didn't steal it, how could he steal it? The next day, my wife went to tell him which house to give it to and gave him a chance to steal it. If he stole it back, she would send it back to him. Later, the man was able to fall asleep, but he still kept talking in his sleep about stealing things. Over time, the wife would give it to whomever she wanted to steal from in her dream. Either the wife would send it back, or the person who had stolen it would pick it up.

01, this was in the 1970s. Once, a village primary school held a parent-teacher meeting. At least 200 parents from the school with more than 200 students attended the meeting. A thief also mingled among the parents and came to the school pretending to be a parent, waiting for an opportunity to commit crimes.

Because there is a parent-teacher conference, the doors to the teacher’s house, office, and reception room are all open. You know, the schools in the last century were really Qingshui Yamen, and teachers' salaries were very low, only thirty or tens of yuan. Most of the teachers' rooms are filled with old quilts, old tables and chairs, etc., with nothing of value. The thief saw nothing and finally saw a small alarm clock in the office. Seeing no one around, he hurriedly stuffed the alarm clock into his trouser pocket and walked out into the crowd of parents as if nothing had happened. Perhaps it was the thief's bad luck. As soon as he walked into the crowd, the alarm clock in his bag rang. At this moment, everyone was looking for fame. Finally, everyone found the bell ringing in the thief's bag. The thief was so frightened that his face turned pale. (Thieves in that era were relatively timid.) He quickly took out the alarm clock from his bag and handed it to the teacher, and repeatedly admitted that he had stolen it in the office. At that moment, two able-bodied parents caught the thief and took him to the brigade headquarters to see the security director. At this point, some people may ask, how much is a small alarm clock worth? Why make such a fuss about it? Comrade, if it were now, stealing a small alarm clock would be like stealing a needle. In the last century, if a radio worth more than 20 yuan was stolen, as long as the owner reported the crime, someone from the police station would immediately come down to investigate and solve the case. Therefore, stealing an alarm clock at that time could lead to arrest by the police station.

On 02, Teacher Wang and his wife took advantage of the National Day holiday to travel to Guilin. After having enough fun outside, they returned home two days before the end of the holiday and prepared to take two days off to attend school. At this time, thousands of lights were on. Go through the open space of the community. Walking up to his suite on the fifth floor, he took out the key and was about to open the door. He found that the door was ajar and the light was still on inside. Teacher Wang immediately realized that there were thieves coming. Teacher Wang's wife was more attentive and seemed to hear snoring inside. Teacher Wang listened carefully and heard it. It is not difficult to imagine that there is indeed a thief inside, and the thief is still sleeping. Teacher Wang immediately took out his mobile phone and called the police, then waited at the door. After a while, the police officers arrived and everyone entered together. A strong smell of alcohol hit their nostrils. Finally, a man was found lying on the floor of Teacher Wang's bedroom, drunk as mud. There was also a large bag of soft things collected beside it. The police rushed forward and handcuffed the thief. What's funny is that the thief also muttered: "I'm not drunk yet, I want to drink." The police put the thief in the car and drove away. Later, through interrogation, we found out that the thief found out that no one was living in Teacher Wang's house, so he felt free to commit the crime there. Later, the thief discovered that there was foreign wine in the wine cabinet and delicious food in the refrigerator. Probably this thief is a person who likes to drink horse urine, so he doesn't care about anything else and drinks foreign wine cup after cup. Until he collapsed drunk. The thief never expected that he would be captured in his drunken dream.

I once heard a story about the saddest thieves in history. Their experiences make others unable to help but laugh when they hear them. It is really heartbreaking but also funny! !

This story takes place abroad and is a very meaningful experience of a thief!

There were once two unlucky thieves who accidentally went to a gay's house to steal. Unexpectedly, they were discovered by the owner of the house and didn't steal anything!

The tragedy is that the owner of the house is a strong man who is two meters tall and weighs 136 kilograms. The owner immediately caught two thin thieves! !

Moreover, they were also imprisoned. The two were imprisoned for five days, during which they suffered varying degrees of abuse and were...

Until the neighbors heard something. The man kept crying for help before he called the police and was rescued. After being rescued, the two thieves changed their outlook on life forever!

Tian Ne, from a three-point perspective, I don’t know how to judge this matter. I just want to say that these two thieves are so unlucky!

Watching this made me want to laugh inexplicably, and I couldn’t help laughing. Their experiences were so funny! ! !

Have you ever heard of a more hilarious and tragic thief?

I forgot which year it was, I took my son to Jingkelong. When we came down from the second floor, I answered a phone call and put the phone in my pocket. A thief targeted me. On. After paying the bill, I walked to the door and there was a counter to buy snacks, such as boiled corn and candied haws. My child said he wanted to eat them, so I went to buy them. Several people were shopping around, and then I noticed a man squeezing behind me. I became more vigilant and put my backpack on my chest. After shopping, I led the child to the door. In winter, there was a quilt curtain. I held the shopping bag in one hand and lifted the door curtain with the other. I lowered my head to let the child out. When I lowered my head, I saw a hand reaching into my pocket, which scared me. Jump! I made a sound, and the hand retracted immediately. I immediately put the things on the ground and tidied them up. The phone was still there. I saw what he looked like. When I took my children out, I saw the thief standing at the door smoking, looking very depressed. I was so angry! Walked up to him and said: Steal my things? I'm telling you, I've noticed you a long time ago! Dear friends, what do you think he said? He said: You noticed me, are you careful? ! I was speechless...I feel like laughing now when I think about it.

I once heard Uncle Li say something like this. 21 years ago, his family encountered a thief. The thief’s IQ made people laugh and cry. We all laughed so hard after hearing this. .

21 years ago, 38-year-old Uncle Li was a famous snake catcher in the village. His father and grandfather were both master snake catchers. It is conceivable that Uncle Li’s snake catching skills and courage were also Deeply learned. There is a legend circulating in the local area: As long as snakes, insects, rats and ants smell Uncle Li's breath, they will avoid it!

In rural areas 21 years ago, the living environment was generally not very good. Families with a better environment had black and white TV sets and telephones, and they could also be used for entertainment. If the family environment is not very good and there is no place to relax at night, they can only fall asleep early.

Uncle Li’s family is used to going to bed early, and they basically fall asleep after 8 o’clock.

That summer, the weather was hot. Uncle Li was wearing an undershirt in the house, fanning himself with a big sunflower fan, and slowly fell asleep. Suddenly, he heard the sound of someone climbing through the window. At that time, the windows of every house had wooden frames. When the window door was opened, the rusty joints made a creaking sound.

Uncle Li, who was born with keen hearing, suddenly opened his eyes and listened carefully. Sure enough, a thief had entered the house!

In the 1980s, thieves were very common. Stations, vegetable markets, factories, etc. were all places where thieves hung out. Unexpectedly, thieves were also attracted to my own family. Uncle Li was not afraid of anything. He is not afraid, even the frightened snake avoids him. Can this thief scare him? Uncle Li was gearing up to teach him a lesson!

There were also the sounds of someone's footsteps and the sound of rummaging through the cabinets in the room. Uncle Li pretended to get up to go to the toilet. He stretched greatly, and with a "ha" sound, the room suddenly became quiet.

Uncle Li casually hid the arm-thick pole behind his back, opened the door and walked out.

Looking around, I didn't see anyone. There were a lot of clutter in the house. After all, rural people were engaged in farming, and their homes were full of clutter.

After walking around for a week, still no one was seen. Finally, Uncle Li focused his attention on the stairwell.

In rural houses in the 1980s, the stairs were on bare concrete floors, and debris was piled under the stairs. Uncle Li probably hid him.

Taking a closer look, sure enough, there was movement in the debris pile, but Uncle Li walked away deliberately without saying a word, giving the thief a chance to escape!

When Uncle Li deliberately returned to the room, he heard the sound of hurried footsteps again. Uncle Li felt happy because he wanted to see what tricks the thief was playing. Uncle Li raised his voice again and walked into the house. He knew at a glance that the thief had hidden himself in the latrine.

The hut is a simple house of about 10 square meters in the corner of the courtyard. In the past, every household with cattle would take the cattle to the hut. Uncle Li's house has long been out of scalpers, and now this is where straw straws are stacked.

Uncle Li deliberately sang in the latrine to see which of the thieves and himself was more patient, because Uncle Li knew what was piled in the latrine and was waiting for a good show.

Sure enough, within 10 minutes, the straw bale in the latrine moved and made a "chirping" sound. The thief wanted to imitate the sound of a mouse and dispel Uncle Li's suspicion. But Uncle Li refused to leave and continued singing.

The thief became anxious and made a "wow" sound again, but let alone, the thief imitated a bit like the sound of a frog. This time he was imitating the sound of a frog. Uncle Li held back and tried not to laugh out loud.

Finally, when Uncle Li saw the straw bag trembling, the thief could not help shouting "Help!", then he opened the straw bag and rushed out!

"There is... there is a snake, it hurts, help... help!!" The thief in front of him seemed to be only about 18 years old. He rushed out in a hurry, covered his fingers and shouted.

Uncle Li was already waiting for him with a pole. He didn't care about being beaten, so he knelt in front of Uncle Li and asked for help.

It turns out that it is summer and snakes are easy to come out. Uncle Li has recently caught a lot of snakes in the fields, houses or mountains. He trapped the snakes in cages and put them in the hut covered with straw. Wait and see when the snake will be disposed of. Before I had time to process it, these jokes happened.

Uncle Li deliberately let the thief suffer to see how long he could stay in the hut. Sure enough, when the thief was pretending to be a frog or a mouse, he had not yet seen the snake in the cage. When he wanted to shake the cage to pretend to make other sounds, his finger was bitten by the snake.

Only when he heard the sound of the snake spitting out its secrets did he realize that what he was looking at was a cage of snakes! He was so frightened that he ran out desperately!

He knelt in front of Uncle Li, pinching the bitten finger tightly, thinking, "It's terrible, it's terrible, will I die of poisoning?"

Uncle Li has been catching snakes for many years. Not only does he have rich experience in catching snakes, he has also developed an ancestral snake medicine. As long as he applies it to the wound, he will be fine soon.

Uncle Li turned around and walked into the house, then took out a bottle of medicinal wine, dipped some cloth in it and applied it on the thief's fingers. The thief sobbed and thanked Uncle Li for saving his life.

Uncle Li asked the thief to follow him into the house. When he came to the bottom of the stairs, Uncle Li turned on the light. Under the yellowish light, bottles of wine stacked under the stairs were clearly visible. There were ant medicinal wine, Cobra medicinal wine, scorpion medicinal wine, etc., especially the bottle of snake wine, with these big snakes coiled around it, makes people feel chills on their backs. There was also the bottle of scorpion wine. The scorpions were so densely packed that they looked like they were about to crawl out and sting people, which made people’s scalp numb.

Uncle Li said: Did you see it? Didn’t you pay attention just now? If you saw it, you would probably be so scared that you would cry.

The thief's feet were shaking as he watched, hiding behind Uncle Li, just crying.

After careful questioning, it was found that the child's parents had gone out to work. He was a left-behind child, and his grandmother could not control him. He had a wild temper and often went hungry, so he had to live a life of stealing chickens and ducks. Now, I thought about going into the house to steal some valuable things and sell them for money, but unexpectedly I entered Uncle Li's house and was almost scared to death by the snakes, insects, rats, and ants in his house.

In the end, Uncle Li did not teach him a lesson, but just told him: This snake medicine needs to be applied continuously for a week, but if he is found to have stolen, Uncle Li will never help him change the medicine, so he can take care of himself.

This kid is really a lot more honest in order to save his life. He said that after he was cured, he would work in the city to make a living, whether doing casual labor or menial work, and he would never make any mistakes.

When Uncle Li talked about this incident, we all burst into laughter. We really wanted to ask about the psychological shadow of this thief. I guess he won’t do petty theft again next time.

Have you ever had any experience fighting wits with a thief?

In the late 1980s, dog meat eating and old hen soup craze started in our area. So there was a group of people who specialized in sneaking around.

Late one night, after a busy day, people had fallen asleep. At this time, two guys drove into our village in a motor vehicle.

They worked very smoothly, but something happened at the last house. That house raised a lot of grass chickens and two dogs at the same time, one inside and outside the house. The two thieves were fascinated outside the house. One of them, when he was about to steal the chicken, the one in the house kept barking.

This cry woke up the owner and the men and women in the village, so everyone took wooden sticks and hoes and went out to catch the thief.

Although we have a flat plain, the terrain of the village is complicated. The two thieves drove their motor vehicles and failed to get out. In the end, they had to abandon the car and run away.

Looking at the car full of chickens and dogs, people cursed.

The funniest thing is that the house with two dogs woke up in the morning and found a wallet that was trampled on one of them, and it actually still had an ID card. This time the two thieves were even more unlucky. They were caught by the police station.

From then on, most of our dog owners kept two dogs, one outside the house and one inside the house. I'm afraid even the thieves will look down upon me.