100 integral. Give it to whoever tells a good joke! ! !

1. I peeked at my wife's diary and laughed half to death.

Wake up in the middle of the night and feel my husband holding me, secretly happy! I thought to myself: this guy is usually cool, but he accidentally exposed himself while sleeping. So I was very moved and was about to enjoy his hug when I heard him say in a daze, "Wife! It's so cold! " I want to kick him out of bed.

One day, my husband and I watched TV together. The actress on TV is dancing ballet. My husband said to me, "Wife, you are also very suitable for ballet." Secretly happy! Thought: My husband must think I have a good figure. But I wanted him to praise me directly, so I held my horses and continued to ask him, "Why do you say I am suitable for ballet?" My husband said in a serious and professional tone, "No ballet dancer's breasts can be too big." I didn't roll off the chair at once.

After getting up at the weekend, I chatted with my husband about the recent problem of spending money. I felt that we often spend money indiscriminately, which is not good, so I decided to get rid of the problem of spending money indiscriminately. In the evening, my husband accompanied me to the supermarket. When I saw my favorite Shaqima, I didn't know which brand to buy, so I just took one at the price of 4.8 yuan. I was about to reach for it when I heard my husband calling, "4.6 yuan, 4.6 yuan." Hearing this, I couldn't help laughing. It seems that he is serious about our plan to save money.

One morning, I had a rest, my husband went to work, and I sent him to the elevator door. The elevator door opened and I turned to go home. Hearing my husband calling me from behind, I turned around and saw my husband standing in front of the elevator door, with one foot tilted to block the elevator door. He leaned over and said to me mischievously, "There is no one in my wife, kiss!" " I am angry and funny!

Once, while combing my hair in the mirror, I said to my husband, "You said it would be nice if my husband came back from work to cook and wash clothes every day, and then I didn't have to do anything but go to work." My husband came up to me and kept shaking me and said, "Wife, wake up, wake up, it's getting late." I was completely defeated by my husband.

My husband and I like watching movies together, but every time we have to change movies, it is very painful, especially in winter, and we don't want to get out of bed. So, every time the picture stops, I immediately pretend to sleep on my side and snore; When my husband saw it, he had to get out of bed and change it himself. As soon as the disc was put into storage, I woke up immediately, pretending to be sleepy and saying, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong? Do you want to change the disc? I know, I know, I know. My husband said I was too bad. Every few days, I forget about it. I just wanted to call him when I was changing the disc, but he had fallen asleep on his side. Naturally, he did the same, laughing me to death.

After washing the vegetables, I brushed stainless steel pot by the way, and it was very hard. Finally brighter than when I just bought it. So very! My husband stood on a stool on the balcony to dry clothes, and I excitedly showed him the pot. He tilted his head and looked at the pot carefully, but he didn't praise me. When asked, he casually licked his hair with his hand. "Well, this young man is quite handsome ...".

At first my wife said she couldn't cook. I said, "No, I can do it." As a result, now I have done it! Ha ha.

He came to pick me up after work and I clamored for bananas. I found that two girls in the company are also buying. I know them well, but he knows nothing about them. I shouted to them, "Great! I don't have to buy it? " The girl generously handed me a bag of bananas: "Help yourself!" I only broke one, and the girl said, "Take more! You're welcome! " He also said, "Take two roots!" Colleague Kevin·Z also quickly echoed: "Take more!" He said no, no, two is enough. I broke another one, wondering how he could embarrass me like this, but he handed me the net bag, then handed two bananas to my colleagues and said seriously, "Thank you!" " "I went to work at noon the next day, and everyone thought about it and laughed wildly. ...

My husband likes to hide at home and let me find him, but the house is too small, and I can easily find him every time. Once before going to bed, he turned off the light (the switch of the light was at a certain distance from the bed). After turning it off, he quickly squatted on the ground. Although I can see clearly (night vision is very good), I am silent. I saw him squat for a while, and then climbed into bed. I held back my smile. When he climbed into bed carefully and leaned out, I jumped on him and scared him! Haha, laugh wildly!

In my husband's eyes, I am notoriously nearsighted; Low IQ. But sometimes, he will be fooled by me. The day before yesterday, we got separated in front of a busy shopping mall, but I found him looking back nervously. I walked behind him and called his name. He suddenly turned around. I pretended not to see him, but shouted. I also showed fear and anxiety. He smiled happily, hugged me and said, "Oh, stupid!" " Oh, how sweet!

I remembered another one: I was walking in the yard with my husband after dinner last night and suddenly saw a cockroach on the road. I shouted: "Husband, step, step, step to death!" " "Then I put my foot out to step on it, and my husband said," Oh, it's Xiao Qiang, let go. "It makes me feel cruel and heartless.

My husband took the shuttle bus home, and the road was blocked. He texted me to make a detour home. I texted him back and said that you could sleep in the car because of the traffic jam. He replied: No! Dreaming how horrible you are!

One day, I saw on TV that the China team lost in the sports competition, and I vowed, "In the future, I will let my children practice sports and win glory for our country!"! ! "My husband looked up at my book and said," Let him practice weightlifting. See if his mother can do it! " "woo hoo ...

One day, my husband and I discussed a silly topic that everyone would discuss, "Be a man or a woman in the next life." I thought for a long time and said, "I want to be a man in my next life and let you be a woman to serve me!" " My husband gave me a twisted look and said, "You've said that all your life." ...

My husband and I shot a mouse at home yesterday. My husband was very brave and trampled the mouse to death. I praised him for his bravery, but he said sadly, "Hey, I feel so sad when I think of Shuke and Beita when I was a child!"

It's the first time to cook for my husband, but the craft is really not good, and the dishes are irrelevant. My husband is so cute, he bowed his head and comforted me, saying that it has nothing to do with his wife. Just feed me and wear warm clothes. I don't ask for a well-off life.

I don't know why I quarreled with LG when I was knitting a scarf for LG. I told him in a rage, "I won't knit you a scarf!" " "

"Then who are you knitting for?" LG glared at me.

"Tube wear! I won't give it to you even if I donate it to the disaster area! "

"Donate to the disaster area?" LG frowned: "I just dislike your craftsmanship, so why bother the people in the disaster area?"

Geography has taught that Fushun, Liaoning Province produces the most coal, and Anshan, Liaoning Province, so Fushun is called the "coal capital" of China, and Anshan is called the "iron capital". In an exam, the paper showed that the coal in China was (black) and the iron in China was (hard). After the exam, he also said: How did the teacher come up with such a simple question?

2. An additional question in a Chinese exam asked what Prometheus was a literary work. A classmate filled in: Harry Potter. Another time, I asked Zuo Zhong Yi what his name was, and a classmate wrote: Zuo Lengchan.

3. A political topic: China's research ship () went to the Arctic for investigation. My answer: Titanic.

4. Chinese exam. Explain the word "death". I replied, "Go to hell" (I want to write "die"), and the teacher was furious. ...

5. In primary school, a classmate recited poems, and the first three sentences were difficult to recite. The last sentence: "A line of egrets went west." Dizzy in class!

6. Fill in the following sentences in the Chinese test of Senior One, "When * * * cuts candles at the west window". I replied, "husband and wife sit until dawn." Correct answer: "Late rain time".

7. In a Chinese exam, the poem "Fill in the blanks" in Bai Juyi's "Peach Blossom in Dalin Temple" is a sentence "(), and the correct solution should be" I always hate having nowhere to find a spring home ". One of my classmates in the front row suddenly filled in "I always hate that village girls have nowhere to find".

8. In the biology exam, I asked what is a cell map, and the correct answer was "female fruit fly". A person in my class answered "female fruit fly". The biology teacher held a meeting to study n for half a day and decided to give 0 points.

9. In high school, I also filled in the next sentence of the poem. The last sentence is: "Luoyang relatives and friends ask each other"; One of my classmates filled in: "Just say I'm in Yueyang Tower".

10, a high school Chinese exam, also filled in the following sentence: "Mayflies shake trees, ()". One of my classmates wrote: Don't move. Is in line with the facts.

1 1, high school, biology exam, Q: What is the digestive type of chicken? I won't. A: Chicken type! As a result, the teacher criticized the whole class by name!

12, the last sentence is: "Egrets fly in front of Mount Cisse", and students can't hold back for a long time, so they scribble: "Climb a turtle in the east village"!

13, high school Chinese exam, write down an ancient poem. The last sentence is: "When the mountain blossoms", one person in our class actually filled in: I will try my best to pick flowers.

14, junior high school Chinese exam, the title asks the name of Mr. Lao She's masterpiece. A classmate couldn't remember, so I told him: teahouse. As a result, the man heard it: teapot lid. Be scolded by the teacher!

17, there is also a math exam, and the last big question is to use two solutions to judge which one is correct. I thought about it for a long time, but I didn't come up with it. By the way, I mentioned a few words: fairness is fairness! The old woman said, the old woman is right! Look, it doesn't matter! It makes sense to think about it ... As a result, my math teacher read my solution through four classes in the whole grade, and I became famous!

18, Mao Zedong's "Yongmei" is being taught in Chinese class in senior high school, so you need to recite it for self-study in the morning. The teacher ordered someone to answer: "-she is laughing in the bushes, XX answers!" " "XX was eating and couldn't speak for a long time, but he said," Laugh, don't make any noise! " The whole class laughed!

20. Write the following sentence in the exam: "I was born useful". A gifted student replied, "The mouse son can make holes." The Chinese teachers in our whole office collectively laughed without image!

How are you? Why are you? How old are you? Why is it always you?

22. An overseas student from China witnessed a traffic accident in California. Because of curiosity, he never left. The policeman came and asked him if he knew what had happened. He said: one car comes, one car goes, two cars Pumbaa, one car dies.

One day, Xiao Qiang went to the movies. Arriving at the movie ticket office, he found a foreigner and a conductor even talking about being better than each other for half a day, so he volunteered to be an interpreter. The conductor said, please tell her that the tickets are sold out now, only standing tickets are left. If you want to see them, you must stand and see them. Xiao Qiang turned to the foreigner and said, No, sit and watch, stand and watch. If you see it, stand and watch. The foreigner replied: Sorry, I don't understand your English. Xiao Qiang said to the conductor, Oh, he said he didn't understand English.

The white rabbit raped the wolf while she was sleeping. When the wolf chased out, the white rabbit quickly rolled on the ground and turned itself into a gray rabbit. He took a copy of Southern Metropolis Daily and pretended to read it. At this time, the wolf chased here and stopped to ask, "Grey rabbit, have you seen a little white rabbit passing by?" The little white rabbit replied, "Is it the rabbit that raped the wolf?" The wolf said, "Shit, it took so long to report?"

One snake touched another snake and asked his brother, are we poisonous? Another snake said, I don't know. Why do you ask? The snake said that I accidentally bit my tongue. ...

What about catching mosquitoes alive in summer? 1. Of course you have to raise him. 2. Send him to school. 3. Buy him a house. 4. Help him get a wife. 5. Look after his children. What else can you do? After all, it's your blood on it.

Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, there are many ants in the toilet. The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming: What did ants say? Xiaoming looked blank ... and then said, the ant didn't say anything. ...

One day, eggplant was walking in the street and suddenly sneezed. It wiped its nose and said angrily, "It's taking a photo again!" "

Classic dialogue:

My seven-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me and said, "Aunt, why are your breasts so small?" I sweat "which is smaller, how small? ! "My little niece gave me a pitiful look and comforted me:" Nothing, mine is also very small ... "

I like a child in a small class very much. I always tease him and ask him, "What's your mother's name?" He finally spit out xxx's name. "So, what's your father's name?" I saw that he said two words happily: "Husband! ! "

The fish said, "I kept my eyes open to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day and want to hug you." The pot said, "I'm so stubborn when I'm fucking ripe."

An American, a Japanese and an China were exploring in the jungle. They were all caught by the cannibal tribe, but the tribal chief said, "I am in a good mood today and don't want to eat you, but you must all get a hundred boards, but before you get the boards, you can realize a wish." Americans were the first to board the springboard. He said, "Before taking the board, put 10 cushion on my ass." The mat board rained down on the front 70 boards. After 70 boards, the mat was smashed, and then the boards were bloody ... After the fight, the United States always left by touching its ass. After seeing it, the Japanese also asked for 10 mattress, 1, 2, 3...65,438+000. After the fight, the Japanese got up and patted their ass, and then bragged about their imitation ability and re-creation ability with their mouths open, wanting to sit and watch.

Americans, British, China and Japanese discuss their own military affairs together.

The Japanese said, "We advocate Bushido and are not afraid of sacrifice. I dare you to test your marksmanship with an apple on your head. "

It was he who put an apple on his head.

The American turned and walked back 20 steps, then walked back with a gun, and the apple was smashed. He proudly said:

"I'm Hunter."

The Japanese put another apple on his head.

The Englishman turned and walked back 50 steps, then walked back with a gun, and the apple was smashed. He proudly said:

"I am Boone (Bond)."

The Japanese put a small apple on their heads.

China people turned and took three steps back, then turned and shot, and their heads were blown off. He proudly said:

"I'm sorry."

15: Two dung beetles are discussing the welfare lottery. A said: If I win the lottery, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

23: The director and the section chief take the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, You farted! The section chief said: I didn't let it go ... Soon the section chief was dismissed, and the director said at the meeting: You can't afford to fart. What's your use?

50: There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. Penguins pluck their hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!" When the polar bear heard this, he pulled off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!" "

An old lady said with tears after watching the black 100-meter race, it's so scary. Several coal diggers knelt in a row and were shot. They fired without aiming. The children are so scared that they can't stop the rope!

A priest is playing golf and a nun is watching. The first shot missed. The priest scolded: "TMD, missed!" " Hit again, the priest scolded again: "TMD, missed again!" "The nun said," God will punish you for swearing as a priest. " As soon as the voice fell, I heard a thunder chop the nun to death. The priest wondered: Why am I the one who cursed? Why should I chop a nun to death? At this time, I only heard the voice of God from the sky: "TMD, I also missed!" " "

6. One day, Clinton's wife, Chirac, was taken to see God. She found many watches hanging in God's living room, some walking fast and some walking slowly. So she asked God's servant, "Why does God collect so many watches? And these watches don't go so fast? "

The servant of God said, "These watches represent human life. Everyone in the world has a watch. If he has a lot of business, his watch will go fast, but if he has no business, his watch will go slow. "

Chirac looked around and said, "Why didn't I see my husband Clinton's watch?" The servant of God said, "Your husband's watch was taken to the office by God as an electric fan!

Four priests Tang went to travel by plane, and the plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.

So, the Tang Priest said, let's answer the question, and jump if we can't answer it.

Tang Priest: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?

Wukong: One.

Tang Priest: OK, here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many moons are there in the sky?

Friar Sand: One.

Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.

Bajie on the side is so happy, such a simple question.

Tang Priest: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?

Bajie jumped down.

Before long, the four of them flew to travel again. They crashed on the way and there were still only three parachutes.

They went on answering questions.

Tang Priest: Wukong, when was People's Republic of China (PRC) founded?

Wukong: 1949.

Tang Priest: OK. Here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many people died in the Liberation War?

Friar Sand: 2.5 million people.

Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.

Tang Priest: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people? Bajie had to jump again.

The third time, the four of them traveled by plane again and had an accident on the way.

Then Pig said, Master, you don't have to ask. I jump by myself.

Then jump.

Tang Priest put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time.

Police and rabbits

In order to test the strength of the police in the United States, Hongkong and Chinese mainland, the United Nations put three rabbits in three forests to see who could find them first. Task: Find the rabbit.

In front of the first forest is the American police. They first spent a whole half-day meeting to formulate a battle plan and strictly divide the work, and then sent special forces to quickly enter the forest for a carpet search. As a result, the meeting was delayed, the rabbit ran away and the task failed! ! ! !

Then it's the turn of the Hong Kong police. They sent 100 people and dozens of police cars to line up outside the forest. The leader shouted with his horn: "Rabbit, rabbit, you are surrounded, come out and surrender …" Half a day passed, but nothing happened. Flying Tigers entered the forest to search again, and the mission failed! ! ! !

Finally, there are only four policemen in China. They played mahjong all day. At dusk, a man walked into the forest with a baton. Less than five minutes later, he heard an animal scream from the forest. The policeman in China came out laughing and talking with a cigarette in his mouth, dragging a black bear behind him. The bear was dying and said, "Stop playing, I'm a rabbit ..."