The life-threatening journey of breast cancer (14) - I am no longer so afraid of death.

April 20, 2018 was the beginning of another life nightmare for me. That day I learned that I unfortunately had breast cancer. Cancer means incurability and death in the minds of most people. I once thought that cancer was far away from me, but I had to face the cruel reality of becoming a cancer patient overnight.

? In the next half month, I kept my illness in my mind, went to work on time, ate on time, and occasionally joked with my colleagues. It seemed that everything about me was the same as usual, and I Only I know what kind of hardships I have gone through in my heart. In those days, I turned the days into nights, and I turned the nights into hell. I felt that the God of Death was standing in front of me all the time, trying to pull me to be his companion. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, the only thought that flashes through my mind is that I have cancer and I will die soon. The fear of death grips my heart all the time, making it impossible for me to breathe smoothly, and then I flow freely. Tears soaked my swollen eyes.

? It has only been half a month, but it seems to me that half a century has passed. My appearance is haggard, my complexion is sallow, my weight has dropped sharply by five kilograms, and I look at least ten years older. . Such heavy mental pressure swallowed up my will bit by bit and consumed my already weak constitution, but I had no intention of saving myself from that terrible fear of death.

When I finally made up my mind to walk into the hospital and lie down on the operating table to undergo a right mastectomy, I felt as tragic as going to the battlefield and facing death. I slowly walked around the hospital wards and corridors with a drainage bag that was constantly being injected with bright red blood. I quietly looked at the faces of my bald sisters who were suffering from the same illness as me, either smiling or crying. My emotions also changed. Follow the straight up and down between heaven and hell. And those days, as long as I hear the words recurrence, transfer, and death, my heart will fall into despair, as if I am about to disappear and disappear from the world. People who have never experienced such fear cannot understand it.

? Most of the time, I was alone on the road to medical treatment, but I still received love and care from many strangers from all over the world. My friends encouraged me to be strong. Facing the disease optimistically requires the strength and confidence to defeat the disease. I was moved by such warmth, and reminded myself countless times not to live up to that warmth. But I have to be honest, although I am surrounded by warmth, my heart is still dark. I am negative, anxious, pessimistic, grumpy, and I am still full of fear of death. I lived in such a bad mental state, with no hope of life, and no faith and strength to defeat death.

? And when I finally realized that my pessimism would only aggravate my condition and make me die faster, when I realized that if a person doesn’t want to save himself, no one can save him. At that time, I knew that the most important thing for me was to change my attitude towards the disease and my state of mind, and my only life-saving straw was myself. The physical and mental pain that chemotherapy brought me was often unbearable, but I regarded it as the price I had to pay to overcome the disease. I tried to make myself smile, and the pain seemed to be reduced by half. In the eyes of others, I am a poor cancer patient, but I try not to think of myself as a patient, but as a healthy person, doing whatever I want, and my mental state has improved a lot. Slowly, I learned not to think about what will happen to me tomorrow or how long I can live. Instead, I have more smiles on my face.

? When we experience a painful illness, we often also experience a cruel psychological test. How to adjust your emotional buttons to a point that is most beneficial to your physical and mental health requires experimentation, patience, and perseverance. And many times, when we pass our own emotions, it means defeating ourselves and defeating ourselves. Overcame disease and defeated death.

? Now I am still hovering on the edge of life and death, still so fragile, but I am really not that afraid of death anymore.

At this moment, because I have just finished my third round of chemotherapy, I feel very uncomfortable physically. But I will not get discouraged and want to give up easily, because I think the pain is only temporary, and I still have a lot of future to look forward to. .

?

?

?

?

?

?

p>

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?