Funny homophone jokes

Homophone joke: A county magistrate with a heavy accent came to the village to make a report: Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! Translation: Comrades and fellow villagers, pay attention! Don't talk, it's a meeting now! After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said: Sausage and pickles for pickles! Translation: Now let’s ask the mayor to speak! The mayor said: Rabbits, the dog has eaten today’s meal, everyone is a big bastard! Translation: Comrades, today’s meal is enough, everyone should have a big bowl! If you don't want melon, I'll pick up dog poop and lick it for you. 1. "South China Sea Islands"

Mr. Li is taking geography class.

Mr. Li: Where are the South China Sea islands? Have you seen them?

The students laughed violently and shouted: "I saw it, in the front row!"

It turned out that there was a "boy" named "Director Zhu" in the class.

Tip: South China Sea Islands (Nánhǎizhūdǎo) ≈ Boy Zhu Dao (nánhái Zhūdǎo)

2. "China's Territory"

Mr. Li: China's territory is How old?

A student: Jiang Yu in China? Jiangyu from the Yangtze River or Jiangyu from Heilongjiang?

Mr. Li: Your geography score is probably the last one.

A student: First in Sichuan? Then I have to study in Sichuan.

Tip: Territory = jiāngyù = Jiang Yu; reciprocal = dàoshǔ = to Shu

3. "Three-level administrative divisions"

Mr. Li: China's three-level administrative divisions What are the administrative divisions?

A student: China’s third-level sexual expressions are not suitable for children.

Tip: Division (qūhuà) ≈ Interesting Words (qùhuà)

4. "Regional Culture"

A class teacher is on maternity leave, and the school arranges for Li, a geography student Indica generation. One day, the squad leader came to Li Xiansheng and said anxiously: "Our class's blackboard newspaper for this month has not been published yet. The school will conduct competitions next week. Please set a theme and ask everyone to provide manuscripts."

Li Xiansheng thought for a while and said: "Go back to the class immediately and tell the students that this month's blackboard newspaper will be themed 'regional culture'. Please actively contribute." The monitor returned to the classroom and wrote widely on the blackboard. Announcement: The theme of this month's blackboard newspaper - Hell Questions, please actively contribute.

5. Related to place names. On New Year's Day evening, my younger brother took two overseas Chinese students home for dinner. One was cheerful and the other was more reserved. During the dinner, the cheerful classmate smiled and pointed at the reserved classmate and introduced us: "He is from Myanmar, so he is relatively shy." Then he raised his glass to toast everyone, raised his head and drank it down in one gulp, and then said: "I'm from Yangon."

6. The Chinese teacher with a strong local accent read an ancient poem by Lu You titled "Wo Chun" to the students and asked the students to dictate it.

The Chinese teacher read the following and a student dictated the following

"Wo Chun" "I'm Stupid"

The dark plum blossoms smell the flowers, I have no culture

I am lying on a branch with deep sorrow, I have a very low IQ.

I hear from a distance that I am lying like water. If you want to ask me who I am,

it is easy to see the spring green. A big stupid ass.

The shore looks green, I am a donkey,

The shore looks green, I am a donkey,

The shore looks green. I'm a stupid donkey.

7. Once, two scholars went to visit Ouyang Xiu, the great writer of the Song Dynasty. On the way, they happened to be in the same boat as Ouyang Xiu, but they didn't know Ouyang Xiu. These two scholars also knew a little about poetry, but they considered themselves experts. At this time, a white goose suddenly jumped into the water. The two of them couldn't help but get excited about poetry. One chanted: "A goose on the shore", and the other followed: "Plop and jump into the river."

Both of them muttered words, but they could not recite the following verses and could not form a poem. Seeing their anxious look, Ouyang Xiu helped by chanting: "White hair floats on the green water, and red palms stir the clear waves."

"

The two scholars were extremely surprised to see Ouyang Xiu uttering such a good poem, but when they thought about it, they felt something was wrong. One of them shouted at Ouyang Xiu: "You are not thin-skinned. Is this poem yours? Ouyang Xiu said with a smile: "This poem is indeed not mine. It was written by King Luo Bin, one of the four heroes of the early Tang Dynasty, when he was a child." The two laughed loudly after hearing this: "I told you, you can also write poems just like you." "Ouyang Xiu smiled but did not answer.

Soon, three people got off the boat. When the two scholars saw a pile of ashes on the shore, they wanted to show their poetic talent. One of them chanted: "Looking at a pile of ashes from a distance," Another added: "Looking closer, there is a pile of ashes. "Due to lack of talent, the two of them could not continue. I saw Ouyang Xiu chanting calmly on the side: "A strong wind blew up, and snow flew all over the sky. "The two of them were shocked when they heard it. They knew that what Ouyang Xiu was reciting was a good poem, but they were unwilling to accept it. One of them pretended to say: "It's not a good sentence, it's just so-so. Another said: "It was connected, but it was a little forced." "

They continued to walk forward, and soon they saw a dead tree on the side of the road. A scholar chanted: "A dead tree on the side of the road." Another chanted: "Two large branches. . "

The two of them wanted to continue chanting, but they couldn't think of any words, so they had to chant these two sentences over and over again, with their eyes rolling up. Ouyang Xiu couldn't see it from the side, and gave it another They continued two sentences: "In spring, moss becomes leaves, and in winter, snow becomes flowers." "After hearing this, the two still refused to admit defeat and continued to compete with Ouyang Xiu. The two chanted again: "The two of them boarded the boat together to visit Ouyang Xiu. Ouyang Xiu laughed secretly after hearing this, and immediately chanted: "I already know you, but you still don't know how to repair (shame)"

8. An old farmer accidentally overturned his car while transporting watermelons. A young man The man helped him up. The old farmer was grateful and immediately cut a watermelon and said to the young man, "You eat poop (big braid), I eat urine (little braid)!" ”

9. A lady who was crossing the street dropped her keys on the ground. A kind gentleman picked them up for her and said to her: "You dropped your keys." The wife heard someone say She said "You are going to die (the key) and the key is gone" and she became furious. She slapped Mr. Wei and turned around and left...

10. The ears are here

The newly appointed magistrate was from Shandong. Because he had to hang up the accounts, he said to the master: "Go and buy me two bamboo poles. "

The master misunderstood the word "bamboo pole" in Shandong dialect as "pork liver" and quickly agreed. He hurried to the butcher shop and said to the shopkeeper: "The new county magistrate wants to buy two Pork liver, you are a sensible person, you should be aware of it! "The shopkeeper was a smart man and understood immediately. He immediately cut off two pig livers and gave a pair of pig ears as a gift.

After leaving the butcher shop, the master thought to himself: "The master asked me to buy it. It's pig liver, and of course these pig ears are mine..." So he wrapped the hunting ears and stuffed them into his pocket. Returning to the county office, he reported to the magistrate: "Replying to your Majesty, I bought the pig liver! When the magistrate saw that what the master bought was pork liver, he said angrily: "Where are your ears?" When the master heard this, his face turned pale with fright, and he hurriedly replied: "Ears... ears... here... in me... in my pocket!" ”

11. Make chickens after seeing them

Once upon a time, there was a landowner who loved to eat chickens. The tenants rented his land and had to pay the rent. They had to give away one first. There was a tenant named Zhang San who went to pay the rent to the landlord at the end of the year and rented the land for the second year. When he left, he put a chicken in a bag and told the landlord about the second year. In the second year of the land tenure, when the landlord saw that his hands were empty, he raised his eyes to the sky and said: "This land is not allowed to be divided into three types. Zhang San understood the meaning of this sentence and immediately took the chicken out of the bag. When the landlord saw the chicken, he immediately changed his mind and said, "If you don't give it to Zhang San, who will you give it to?" "Zhang San said: "Your words become so fast! "The landlord replied: "What I said just now was 'nonsense (chicken) talk', but now this sentence is 'made when opportunity (chicken) arises'.

”

12. There are “aircrafts” available

A salesman went to Guangzhou on a business trip. After arriving in Beijing, he wanted to take a plane there, but he was afraid that the manager would not agree to reimburse him, so he Sent a telegram to the manager: “There is an opportunity, do you want to take advantage of it? When the manager received the telegram, he thought that the "opportunity" to close the deal had arrived, so he immediately called back: "If you can, just take it." "When the salesman came back from a business trip to reimburse the travel expenses, the manager refused to reimburse the air tickets because he was not qualified enough and would not be reimbursed for flying. The salesman took out the manager and called him back. The manager was dumbfounded.

13. Two people from Yunnan went to Beijing to visit. They heard that Beijing roast duck was very famous, so they decided to eat it. As soon as they sat down, one of them said to the waiter: "Go to those two roast ducks!" After waiting for a while, one of them said to the waiter: Yes, they saw the waiter waving a roast duck in front of them and left. One of them couldn't wait any longer, so he called the waiter over and asked why he didn't serve them the roast duck. The waiter said, "Didn't you call me Is there a roast duck for you?"

Note: ("Dui" means "eat" in Yunnan dialect)

14. The United States and Japan in Asia

Mr. Li: How do you say that the United States and Japan are in Asia?

Quan Qiutong: Why is it wrong for me to say that I am in Asia every day?

15. Some Guangxi people speak Mandarin, and their pronunciation is not accurate, and they often have obvious local accents! The common way is to pronounce: empty as male, mouth as dog, and wind as crazy, which makes the following joke

When friends come from far away, they usually serve a plate of snails for dinner. The host picks up one and says: Male! He throws it away, picks up another one and says: It’s male again! It’s not short in the mouth. Muttering: It’s a male again! My friend was very surprised and thought: Awesome! Guangxi people are amazing! You can even see the male and female snails!

I also invited my friends to dinner. The Guangxi people had a cold and found themselves sitting Under the air-conditioning vent, he said: I have a cold, so I can't sit next to a mad dog. After I finished speaking, I changed seats. My friend was not happy. What do you mean? I am a mad dog?

16. The coach said: "One day Class one kills the chickens, class two steals the eggs, and I'll make porridge for you. ”

(Class one is shooting, class two is dropping bombs. Let me demonstrate to you.)

17. When the school started to roll call, a class teacher came up with an original idea and said to the students: "I am going to Student number, please state your name so that everyone can know each other, okay? "

"No. 001! "

"Teacher, my surname is Jiao, and my name is Jiao Pei. The teacher was a little dizzy and asked, "Who got this for you?" ”

“My dad. "What does your father do?" "

"Open a breeding pig factory! "

"No. 002! "

A girl stood up and said: "Teacher, my surname is Zhang and my name is Zhang Dekai. "

"No. 003! "

"Teacher, I am Zhang Dekai's twin brother. My name is Zhang Bukai. "Who gave you this name?" "

"It's my dad. He sells pliers. "The teacher quickly took a sip of water.

"No. 004! "

"Teacher, my surname is Ou (the character is pronounced "Ou") and my name is Ou Ye (oh yeah). This is the name my mother gave me. She said she happened to have a baby when she gave birth to me. A computer game was played. "The teacher's heart felt a little uncomfortable.

"No. 005! "

"Report to the teacher, **mother! "Why are you swearing?" ! ”

“No! Teacher, I mean my surname is Gan, my name is Gan Ni Niang, and my father is a wine maker. "The teacher took a pill.

No. 006!"

"Teacher, my surname is Gou, and my name is Goubuli."

"Your father is You open a bun shop?"

"Teacher, you are so smart!" The teacher was already a little unsteady.

"No. 007!"

"My surname is Kuai (pronounce it quickly, pronounce it in the third tone.) and my name is Kuai Huo."

"Don't tell me Your dad runs a warehouse."

"Teacher, you are so old-fashioned. My dad is a pimp." Blood oozed from the corners of the teacher's mouth.

"No. 008!"

"Teacher, go to hell!" "What? What did you say?!"

"I mean my surname is Ni , called Ni to go to the temple. My mother is a Buddhist, isn’t my name interesting? "

"Interesting, interesting." The teacher almost burst into tears.

"No. 009!"

"Teacher, I will tell you next time." "Why do you have to tell me next time? You tell me now!"

"No. La! Teacher, my surname is Xia, my name is Xia Huishuo, and my father is a storyteller." The teacher was already feeling dizzy.

"No. 010!"

"Teacher, my surname is Gao, and my name is Gao Wan."

"My surname is Mei, and my name is Mei Liangliang."

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"My surname is Wu, and my name is Wu Qing."

"My surname is Mao, and my name is Mao Rongrong.".........

The teacher looked up to the sky and roared: "Oh my God "What kind of students did I meet?" The teacher spit out blood and fell to the ground. Translation: Don't talk, let me tell you a story.