Jokes and blessing messages

One day, Cao Cao and Liu Bei were drinking to discuss heroes. After a few drinks, Liu Bei suddenly farted, which was embarrassing. When I was embarrassed, I heard Guan Yu behind me calmly say, "Don't take offense, fart comes from feather (rain)!" "

As Guan Yu's voice dropped, Zhao Yun stepped forward and said, "Don't take it amiss, fart comes from the clouds!"

After Zhao Yungang finished, Zhang Fei went on to shout, "Where did the fart come from just now!"

Everyone burst into laughter. Liu Bei has also returned to normal.

Cao Cao didn't laugh. He is deeply touched by this. After seeing Liu Bei and others off, Cao Cao said to his subordinates, "When Liu Bei's subordinates saw the master's mistakes, they rushed to take responsibility and make up for them. It's really loyal. If it is your turn, can you do it? "

Everyone was indignant and thought, "It's nothing, what's difficult!"

A few days later, Cao Cao invited Liu Bei to drink again. During the dinner, he wanted to fart and see how his men reacted. After holding back for a long time, I finally managed to hold back a small Pi. Everyone has been waiting for a long time. When they heard a "goo", the general quickly shouted: "Chu (pig) put the fart!"

The waiter Wang Lang immediately said, "Lang (Wolf) farted!"

As soon as Cao Cao stared, others thought that Cao Cao was too slow and rushed to take care of himself. Xia Houdun insisted: "Fart comes from London!"

"no!" Huang Xu heard a retort, "I'm shaking my ass!"

Xun You said, "You let the fart out!"

Man Chong said, "Fart is a pet!"

Jiang Ji said: "Fart comes from the economy!"

Guo Tu said: "Fart is a picture (vomit)!"

Zhong Youdao: "Fart is coming!"

then ....

Taurus: "Fart is gold!"

Cao Hong: "Fart is red!"

Zhang Nan: "Fart is south (blue)!"

...........

Cao Cao was already flushed and was about to get angry.

Counselor Guo Jia shouted, "None of them are right, none of them are right! Everyone is wrong! " ..... deserves to be my number one strategist. Cao Cao secretly thought.

Guo Jia went on to say: "The fart was released by Jia (clip)!"

Liu Bei and others have laughed stagger. ........

Cao Cao fainted with anger.

business card

After receiving the newly printed business card, a financial professional consultant angrily called the printing house to protest …

"What the hell are you doing? My business card says "professional home care", and there is still a gap! 」

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we will help you reprint! 」

A few days later, the reprinted business card arrived …

The title is printed with "professional nursing home"!

Very rare

A Qiang said to his friend, "I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me for two months. 」

"You have to think about it!" A friend advised him, "This kind of wife is hard to find now. 」

anonymous letter

Xiaoming has a crush on a girl in the isolation class. One day, he finally got up the courage.

Wrote an anonymous letter and stuffed it into her schoolbag.

Xiao Qiang asked Xiao Ming, "How did she react? 」

Xiao Ming: "She is very excited. 」

Xiao Qiang: "Oh, that's good. What's next? 」

Xiao Ming: "Then she went to the police ..."

It turned out that Xiaoming's anonymous letters were cut from newspapers and magazines and pieced together one by one.

It says:

"I pay attention to you for a long time, hee hee ..."

What I want is my father.

Xiao Bin and his mother walked into the street and saw a poor woman with a black and thin child.

Pity for help: "Please have pity on this child!" " He has no father! 」

Xiao Bin's mother quickly threw the child a coin of 10.

Xiao Bin was a little puzzled and said, "Mom, what's the use of giving him ten yuan? What he wants is a father! 」

Jiaolaoda

By the way, boss Lao Nong Jiao hasn't seen a doctor for most of his life.

I couldn't stand it this time, so I went to town to see a doctor.

Doctor: "What's the matter with you? 」

Boss Jiao: "I, it hurts there."

Doctor: "Where does it hurt? 」

Boss Jiao: "Me, that's where it hurts."

Doctor: "Oh! Do you have genital pain? 」

Boss Jiao: "I, it hurts when I'm angry, and it hurts when I'm not angry."

Doctor: "Do your testicles hurt?" ? 」

Boss Jiao: "I, it hurts when I finish, and it hurts when I don't finish."

Doctor: "I see. Why not have a blood test, urine test and stool test first? 」

The doctor wrote the test sheet and handed it to Boss Jiao. Boss Jiao was reluctant, but he gritted his teeth and went out.

After a while, Boss Jiao came back with a full face of shame.

Boss Jiao: "Doctor, I swallowed both blood and urine. I really can't swallow this shit! 」

Doctor: "Go back and take medicine on time, and don't have sex for a month."

Jiao Laoda:

"What? My grandfather's surname is Jiao, my father's surname is Jiao, and even my son and daughter's surname is Jiao. Why can't I be surnamed Jiao for a month? 」

Hairstyle design

One day, the teacher was assigning homework. And Lin ... the king's belly ... the king's belly. ...

No one came to get the exercise book when he called Wang Abdo. ..

Just then, a child raised his hand and said, "teacher, I didn't take my exercise book!" 」

The teacher said, "What's your name?" ! 」

My name is Wang Yuepo.

The use of cowhide

The teacher asked the students, "Who can talk about the use of cowhide?"

Niu Niu scrambled to raise her hand: "You can make leather shoes and belts ..."

Bingbing then replied, "You can use it to blow!"

Teacher: "※% # @ ..."

Teacher: "Light light blue, you are the best. Please answer. "

Light light blue thoughtfully for a long time and said, "The biggest use of cowhide is to pack beef ..."

The teacher fainted.

New employees arrive at their posts.

Boss: You're welcome. Without you, our company would be very different!

Clerk: If I work too hard, maybe I'll quit.

Boss: Don't worry, I won't let this happen!

Clerk: Can I take the weekend off?

Boss: Of course! This is the bottom line!

Clerk: Do you usually work overtime until the wee hours every day?

Boss: No way. Who told you that?

Clerk: Is there a meal fee?

Boss: Sure? Absolutely higher than peers!

Clerk: Is there any risk of sudden death at work?

Boss: No! Why do you think that?

Clerk: Does the company organize tours regularly?

Boss: This is our express rule!

Clerk: Do I need to go to work on time?

Boss: No, it depends.

Clerk: How about the salary? Will it be delivered on time?

Boss: All the time!

Clerk: Is everything done by new employees?

Boss: How is that possible? There are many senior colleagues above you!

Clerk: Can I compete if there is a vacancy in the leadership position?

Boss: There is no doubt that this is the survival mechanism of our company!

Clerk: Are you kidding?

Note: (If you think reading from top to bottom is boring, try reading from bottom to top! )

1. Once a second-class bus, a BMW passed by, and a tall man next to it said to the people around him, "Look, that's IBM."

2. A friend of mine is an intern in Unicom. One day, an old man came up and said, "Can you get me a mobile card?" Then the friend said without looking up, "Master, someone is coming to smash the venue!" "

3. Colleagues may be nervous when they meet customers. As soon as they opened their mouths, they said, "Hello, Miss Liu, what's your name?" Sweat ~ ~ ~ ~

4. In the past, the geography teacher was a man, which was particularly violent. Anyone who spoke or was distracted was punched, but he didn't hit the girl. A new girl doesn't know equality between men and women. Once, she stole a cartoon in class and was found by the geography teacher. She came to her without saying anything. The girl turned pale with fear and shouted: indecent assault ~ ~ Our geography teacher waterfall sweat ~ ~

5. My classmate said: I put too much washing powder. The other asked: What? Your brother has too many wives?

6. On a windy day, the bicycle fell down one after another. I only heard a classmate say while helping the car: whose Mercedes-Benz crushed my BMW? ! ...

7. I used to call their dormitory boyfriend, but he didn't answer. I was a little embarrassed, so I made up a name and said, "Is XX there?" If you want to pretend to be the wrong person, it's over ~ ~ The other person hesitated and said, wait, I'll call you! I was stupid at that time! Hang up the phone in fear! Later, I asked my boyfriend, and he said that a boy in the dormitory opposite them asked me to make up his name ~ ~ ~

8. Last time I was abroad, I saw a handsome guy selling cakes in the street. When my friend and I bought it, we said he looked like Elvis Presley. When he heard us talking about him, he asked us what to say. I've been thinking for a long time: "King of Vivi".

9. The girlfriend in the dormitory chatted with the net friend. She was obviously excited: Hello, I'm Wang Xiaoliang. Guess who I am? Can't faint ...

10, I learned a sentence from a friend: I'll give you ten words-as for the fuck, as for the fuck ~ I remember the first time he said this to a group of us, I saw everyone below posting ten words. ...

What's more, I've told this sentence to n friends. Basically, more than 90% will hesitate for a moment, say a word silently or move their fingers slightly, and then say with a smile, damn, it's really ten words ~ it works every time, hehe.

I strongly suggest you give it a try and let us know if it works.

1 1. One day, the monitor told me what to do on Saturday (there were many things that week). After that, my deskmate shook my arm violently. Come on, tell me, what day is Saturday? ...

12, I am a female colleague, very strong (with weight and strength), and I often work hard in the workshop to compare with a bunch of male compatriots. One day, I saw Mr. A who couldn't move anything. He skillfully moved a box of goods and laughed at Mr. A's face while moving. It was too weak. A gentleman held back for three minutes and said, no matter how fat you women are, you must have a man who can put you to bed. ...

13, when I was in middle school, the mid-term Chinese test paper was translated as "tyranny is fiercer than tigers" in classical Chinese, and occasionally translated as "exorbitant taxes and levies are fiercer than teachers!" I didn't find the sweat until I found the paper! The head teacher drew a big red circle on the word "teacher"!

I got 2 points for that question and deducted 5 points!

14, power failure, my dad's mobile phone is still charging. He looked for something with a candle. I asked him what you were looking for, and when he said how to charge, the green light went out.

15, hehe, the ward building of the Second Hospital of Shanda, without the square of the house, has become a corpse building until now. ...

16, we slept with a junior who came to chat with her. Junior classmate asked her: I always heard that Prince Frog, Prince Frog, why not a frog?

We were cheated at that time, and the junior explained it to her because a fairy tale was called the frog prince.

The classmate said: Oh, then, are frogs and toads the same thing?

Hey, is that called toad or Khan?

The younger generation sighed and said: Khan Bai, toad is the tribal leader of ancient ethnic minorities.

At that time, the three of us were blue in the face.

17, once I went to dinner with a friend of mine, and the clerk in that shop was very dragging and rolled his eyes and asked, what do you eat?

My friend said you have any specialties here, and the clerk said, everything!

My friend was anxious and said, then give me a plate of tomatoes and stir-fry tomatoes! ! !

18, once I called my father's office to find him. I didn't think it over because I was in a hurry. I get up and shout: Dad ~ Are you xxx (Dad's name)?

As a result, I laughed too hard to speak.

19 Another time, a friend asked me which man I thought was the most handsome in history, and I said Pan An.

He disdains to talk about Yang Zongbao.

I asked why?

He said proudly, "You don't know that Mulan fell in love with him at first sight?"

20. One of my good classmates is a little black, and her bf is a little too white. One day, the queen of the dormitory suddenly said to her, "You can't do this, you will have zebras ..."

265438+

22. One of my classmates may be nervous for the first time. I may want to ask the patient's life span and surname, and the result is: Grandpa, what's your surname? The patient fainted!

23. The meals in our school canteen are divided into soft meals and hard meals. One day in the canteen, a boy in front of me thought it over and said, I'd better eat soft rice. ...

24. When I was in college, I took an experimental course of analog electricity and observed the waveform of rectifier circuit with an oscilloscope. After I finished, I wandered around the lab. A beautiful girl pulled me and said, "Do you see my waves?" I immediately blushed, only to find out that she was referring to the sine wave on the oscilloscope.

I said in a panic, "Your waves are good, but not smooth enough." I adjusted it for her conveniently. Who knows, it turned into a triangular wave. Meimei immediately became anxious: "You accompany me to surf, you accompany me to surf …" I ran away.

25. My classmate's friend is rather dull and may have a good face.

A few years ago, I went to the North Film Examination and was admitted. What shall we ask him when I come back? He said that the examiner pretended to be an idiot and they all pretended to be the same. We said, how do you pretend? He said, I'm not pretending. I just walked around and was chosen. ......

26. Last time I quarreled with two girls in our class, one girl couldn't stand it, swearing and saying, I'll spray shit all over your face! The whole class laughed their heads off.