Can anyone give me some short humorous jokes?

When I was a kid, the TV series "Hunter" and "Hunter" were shown, and an old woman in the yard said, "Tonight we will play "Hunter"." . . . . .

Buy bread

A little white rabbit happily went to the bakery and said: Uncle, do you have 100 buns? The uncle replied: Sorry, we don’t have that many. The next day, the little white rabbit came to the bakery again and said: Uncle, do you have 100 buns? The uncle replied: Sorry, we don’t have that many. On the third day, the little white rabbit came to the bakery again and said: Uncle, do you have 100 buns? The uncle replied: Great~! We worked overtime overnight and made 100 buns~~! The little white rabbit happily took out the money and said: Great, I want two!

Classic Animal Joke

Two frogs fell in love and gave birth to a clam after getting married. The male frog was furious and said: Bitch, what’s going on? The female frog cried. : His dad, I had plastic surgery before I met you.

The little donkey asked the old donkey: Why do we eat hay every day, while the cows only eat concentrated feed? The old donkey sighed: We men can't compare, we rely on running errands to eat, others rely on breasts to eat!

The duck and the crab raced together and reached the finish line together. It was hard to tell the winner. The referee said: Let’s play rock-paper-scissors. The duck was furious: Damn, are you plotting against me? When I come out, it’s paper, he always Scissors.

The dog said to the bear: Marry me, you will be happy if you marry me. The bear said: I don’t want to marry. Marrying you will only give birth to bears. I want to marry a cat. Giving birth to pandas is noble!

The old turtle teased the river clam and was bitten. The old turtle reluctantly dragged him away. The river clam crawled back and forth. When the frog saw it, he said in admiration: "Hey, Brother Turtle has grown up, and he always carries a briefcase when he goes out."

The bee chases the butterfly, but the butterfly marries the snail. Bee was puzzled: How is he better than me? Butterfly replied: After all, he has his own house, unlike you living in a dormitory.

1. Once when I was waiting for a bus, a BMW drove by. An expert next to me said to the people next to him: "Look, the car that just passed by is an IBM."

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2. A friend of mine was an intern at China Unicom. One day, an old man came up to me and said, "Get me a mobile card, okay?" Then my friend said this without even looking up. : "Master, someone is here to cause trouble!"

3. A colleague might be nervous when he went to meet a client, so he said, "Hello, Mr. Liu, may I ask what your last name is?"

4. The geography teacher used to be a man. He was very violent. He would punch anyone who spoke or got distracted, but he would not hit the girls. There was a new girl who didn’t know and thought that men and women were equal. One time she I was secretly reading comics in class, and was discovered by the geography teacher. He walked up to her, and before she said anything, the female classmate turned pale with fright and shouted: It's indecent. Our geography teacher, Waterfall Khan.

5. One day when the wind was strong, the bicycle fell down in a row. I heard a classmate say while supporting the bicycle: Whose Mercedes-Benz ran over my BMW?

1 One day in heaven is one year on earth; one cigarette in heaven is seven or eight days on earth.

2 I filled out three choices for the college entrance examination in one go. The first two were from Tsinghua University and Peking University. I waited impatiently at home for a month, but I didn’t get the admission notice. I guess the Tsinghua admissions team missed my name. Well, the notice from Peking University was lost by the postman on the road.

3 Wow, it is extremely rare for my brother to have such a mature face when he is less than twenty years old. He will definitely become a pillar of the motherland one day.

4 I’m not afraid of those who find fault in the eggs, but I’m afraid that they insist on finding the eggs in the bones.

5 Although I can’t ask my parents to drive a car to send me to college in this life, damn it! Twenty years from now, I will drive my son to college in a car.

6 Brother, I was a person who killed people, set fires, served as a soldier, went to jail, smuggled, sold drugs, evaded taxes, and took tricks. I didn’t dare to do anything. ah? He was willing to go all out to save his brother's life. No matter how high the building was, he closed his eyes and jumped down.

7 The four little ones and the big fried monkey are waiting for you.

8 I think back then, in high school, I was one of the most talented people in the class. I was proficient in everything, including piano, chess, calligraphy and painting. I listened to people playing piano on TV; chess, watched people play chess on TV; and books, etc. He secretly read novels and books in class, drew pictures, and drew blindly on the desk after class. He was a popular figure in the school.

9 You can call me a beast, but you can’t call me shameless. Beasts also have dignity.

10 If you don’t believe in me, you don’t believe in science. If you are against me, you are against people.

11 Look at those celebrities, they are more beautiful when they are thirty years old than when they are twenty years old, and they are more beautiful when they are forty years old than when they are thirty years old. , I still have the possibility of becoming handsome. For so many years, before going to bed every night, I firmly believe that when I wake up the next morning, I will become more handsome, but every time I wait until the next morning, I always feel It disappoints me. In the past twenty years, there have been constant disappointments and constant hopes. Now I finally understand that it is difficult to surpass a flawless face like mine.

12 Nowadays, science is so advanced. Cut off a man with a knife and rub his chest to make it swollen, and then he becomes a woman; When she beats it flat, it becomes a man.

13 No one is as fierce as me when it comes to eating, because I am a man born to eat, and eating is my second life.

14 Don’t laugh at me for being thin, I’m covered in muscles; don’t look at my thin arms, I have plenty of strength, and I don’t look down on those ordinary little girls and boys, even three or five of them put together. inside.

15 It is necessary to change wives from time to time in order to have new ideas and passion. Which successful man has not been divorced several times? If you have never been divorced, it means you are not successful yet.

16 If you regard money as dung now, beautiful women will regard you as dung. If you don't have money in the future, you may not be able to buy a house; if you can't buy a house, you may not be able to find a wife; if you can't find a wife, you won't be able to raise your son.

17 A talented young man like me, known as the 'Girl Killer', even if I go to the street to beg for food, I will just watch the fun with a group of beautiful women. I just grab any one. How can I not find a wife? Woolen cloth?

18 The son I raise will definitely be like me, extremely smart. Once taught, he will master, as soon as he masters, he will become proficient, and as soon as he masters, he will forget.

19 If you don’t have enough money in the future, your wife will scold you for being worthless, and maybe even run away with a rich man; when your son grows up, he will think you are useless. .

20 I have never been afraid of heaven or earth. There are only three things I fear most in my life. The first is that my wife will run away with someone else; the second is that my son will not be as handsome as me when he grows up; and the third is that I’m afraid that my son will look down on me when he grows up.

21 When I was in junior high school, I was a very pure man. I read too many novels, and I actually believed that there would be love in this world. My ambition was also very simple. I wanted to be a noble man, and nothing about money and fame. In my eyes, they are worse than dirt, and there are only three things they want to do in life: find a wife, raise a son, and live the rest of their lives. Nowadays, my thinking is lagging behind. I need to correct it and let love go to hell. I want to find more wives and raise more sons.

22 Damn it! Before I turn 30, I will buy at least three big houses, one in Beijing, one in Shanghai, and one in Guangzhou. Each house will cost at least 1,800 square meters, and I will have to spend 150 square meters. The toilet is larger than the entire apartment.

23 "Advanced mathematics" is the abbreviation of "advanced mathematics", which is a bit different from high school mathematics. High school mathematics tells you that one plus one equals two, but advanced mathematics tells you why one plus one equals Second, it is a subject that explores deep mathematics.

24 In high school, as a student in the physics and chemistry class, I hated the five subjects the most, Chinese, mathematics, physics, chemistry, and one was English. My favorite subject was physical education.

25 A soldier who doesn’t want to be a general is not a good soldier; a son who doesn’t want to be his father is not a good son either.

26 There are no men in this world who are absolutely not lustful. Those men with normal development can be roughly divided into three categories: the first type has both sex, heart, color and courage, and is rich and powerful, and will do anything to the sun. Spring; the second type has lustful heart and colorless courage, which can only be kept in the heart at ordinary times; the third type of men has both lustful heart and lustful courage, but unfortunately their own conditions are not enough to win the favor of the opposite sex. This type of man is the most dangerous. He accidentally committed a crime and went to jail to eat from the big pot. He not only ruined others, but also ruined himself, and even ruined two families.

27 I discovered a secret. Although there is no sufficient scientific basis for the time being, I believe that it will definitely be scientifically confirmed in the near future. That is, when you just look in the mirror, you will always feel that you are not very good. Handsome, but don’t be afraid. As long as you stare at the mirror for a few minutes, you will gradually become more handsome. He is even more handsome; if you look at him for half an hour, you will feel like you have transformed into an immortal; if you look at him for a full hour, you will feel that you have become a Buddha.

28 My life is relatively comfortable these days. I sleep until 11 o'clock in the morning, then get up to have lunch. I go to bed in the afternoon, sleep until 5:30, then get up to have dinner. After dinner, I go to bed again and sleep until the next day. At 11 o'clock in the morning the next day, I was so tired from sleeping. My skin didn't get enough rest, so my face was not very smooth, and small pimples appeared. Yesterday, I had "stars over the moon" on my head, and today I have acne on both sides of my nose. There is another "Cowherd and Weaver Girl", so today I feel that half an hour is not enough, I need to take photos for an hour.

29 I heard that eating an apple for a quarter of an hour can kill more than 90% of the bacteria in the mouth. But how can you eat an apple for a quarter of an hour? It only lasts three minutes at most, so I either don’t eat, or I eat at least five at a time.

30 Don’t think that buying fruit is a trivial matter. There is a lot of knowledge involved. People are male and female, and flowers are male and female. Have you ever heard that there are male and female fruits? Have you never heard of it? Let me tell you that fruits are just like people. They are not only divided into male and female, but also beautiful and ugly. I usually like to eat female apples, and I like to eat beautiful female apples even more. What’s the point of eating male apples? It’s like asking you to kiss your male classmate. Are you willing? So disgusting.

31 I really envy those ancient people. Look at Jia Baoyu. He was surrounded by girls all day long. He had his first love affair with Xiren at the age of ten. Look at me. I was in love when I was ten. I am in the third grade of elementary school. I am almost twenty years old now, and I am still a virgin. Besides, Emperor Kangxi became the king of a country at the age of eight, and was already in power at the age of fifteen or sixteen. Look at me, I am still in the top class of kindergarten at the age of eight. Well, he was only fifteen or sixteen years old and was only in his first year of high school. It's great to be an emperor. I can marry three thousand wives. I'm so happy. Let me do some calculations first. For example, in the girls’ dormitory in our school, one dormitory can accommodate six girls. Even if there are twenty dormitories on one floor, it can accommodate one hundred and twenty. Multiply that by one building. A six-story building means seven hundred and twenty. My dear, three thousand wives would need four or five buildings to accommodate them. I don’t expect to marry three thousand wives. I can’t bear too many. As long as I can marry thirty, I will be satisfied in this life.

32 No matter what you do, you must have good character, you must have good character as a person, you must have good character when playing ball, and you must have good character when you are lustful.

33 I will become even more wicked in the future. There is no worst, only worse.

34 If I gain another sixty pounds and grow twenty-five centimeters taller, I can become an international male model.

35 It’s so easy to see that everything is clear.

36 If you watch it with three or two people hiding in a room, it’s called a pornographic video; if you watch it with three to five hundred people outdoors, it’s called performance art; if you have the guts to show it on a TV station, it’s called a pornographic video. It's called a fashion show.

37 Damn it! When I get rich in the future, I will buy a computer and put it at home for playing. It has a huge hard drive with 160 records, and I must store his 120 porn videos. I can watch them slowly if I have nothing to do.

38 European and American actors are all professional actors. Just because they want to develop the market of female audiences, the male protagonists are not only strong, but also handsome. Unlike those in Japan and South Korea, they are all self-directed. Self-acting, the male protagonists are very dirty, making people feel like they are being ruined.

39 The physical gap between Easterners and Westerners is really huge. I have always been proud of it, but now when I compare it with others, it’s like a small monkey seeing a big monkey. I'm embarrassed to take it out, alas! It's like being a frog in a well.

40 The ancients were all keen on wine, delicacies, famous flowers, and beauties. I am not greedy and dare not expect to have all four. I only want beauties. But when will beauties throw themselves into their arms? Woolen cloth? I climbed up to the high platform and shouted: "Where has the beauty gone?" I heard countless echoes coming back: "She went to make pornographic films, she went to make pornographic films..."

41 Don't talk about being poor without money. Falling in love can come even if you have money.

42 When you encounter the strong, you become strong, and when you encounter the humble, you become humble. To deal with a bitch, you must find a meaner way.

43 I always thought that I was a well-known handsome man, invincible in the world. Unexpectedly, this man was about to catch up with me. I was very annoyed when I saw him, and I wanted to throw concentrated sulfuric acid at him.

44 I like to go to the supermarket the most. I never buy anything when I go to the supermarket, and I don’t bring any money. I just bring my two eyes. There are so many beauties there, too many to count. This time It’s time to feast your eyes again.

45 If I can't get a seat on the bus, I usually like to stand at the back door, because although I am not the first person to get on the bus, I must be the first person to get off.

46 When you get tired of wearing jeans, cut them into cropped trousers; when you get tired of wearing cropped trousers, cut them into large trousers and wear them; when you get tired of wearing large trousers, cut them into denim briefs.

It’s your choice

OK?

Answer: Talk about 520886 - Manager Level 4 3-7 13:09

If you divide 43000 by 96 on your computer, your name will appear!

Answer Author: wwe1133551 - Probation Level 3-7 15:10

1 When I was a kid, I watched the TV series "Hunter" and "Rogue Tycoon". An old woman in the yard said: "Tonight's performance of "Big Brother" "Rogue Hunter". . . . . .

2 A colleague I didn’t know well was chatting with me, and the content of the conversation was extremely boring. He only talked about what was going on with his girlfriend, and what was going on

I was speechless. ,,After he spoke for a long time, he looked at me,,,,it may mean that he said so much, I should express my position,,,,

For a moment, I really didn’t know what to say. ,,I blurted out and asked: Is your girlfriend a girl?

I was so cold for a long time!!!!

3 When the teacher was talking about the ancient Babylonian civilization in junior high school, he mentioned The Sumerians, the history teacher said excitedly that "there are also Shuermei people in the Mesopotamia", and half of them laughed on the spot

4 Let's buy pot helmets to eat together, and a certain man comes forward: Boss, come here Two helmets!

(If you have good teeth, you will have a good appetite, and it will taste good when you eat it...)

5 In high school, there was a classmate named Huang Jiajian.

One day in class When I entered the classroom and saw his seat was empty, I asked: Yi, where is the Huang family?

The whole class laughed and called him the Huang family bitch.

6 In the past, when the exam teacher handed out papers, the girl behind him took an extra paper and shouted, "Teacher, I have it, I have it." Then the boy sitting next to him said, "It's mine, it's mine." "The whole class was shocked~~~

When I was working in the factory two years ago, one day I went to the branch factory with my master (who was actually 1 year older than me) to do some work. The material clerk was in his forties. The eldest sister who counted was named Dong. After finishing the work, my master was very polite and wanted to say: Sister Dong, let’s go. But the result was: “I understand.”

8~Another time , I went to buy breakfast, and when I was queuing up, I found that the usually stern boss was also queuing up, so I was very nervous. After saying hello, I mustered up the courage to say to the chef: "Master, please give me a cup of steamed buns with two breasts!"~

~~~~Whew~~This is the first time in two years that I heard my boss laugh so loudly~~~Depressed~~~

9 My friend’s child is half a year old. I called to care about it and exchanged a few words. Finally, a sentence came: Is your child taking human milk or your milk?

10 One evening, I met an acquaintance and said: "Good morning"...

On the night of 11th, a roommate came into the room and announced loudly: "Today I watched the midnight version of American Ring!"

On the 12th day, I went to buy watermelons and heard someone asking the melon seller: "Your watermelon?" Is there any skin?

13 A farmer was drying wheat in the yard, and a few chickens came to peck at the food. The farmer swept and scratched the chickens, and he swept and scratched again. He couldn't bear it and cursed: "You bad things, I scratch, you sweep Sweep, I scratch, you sweep.

”

14 I went shopping one day and felt urgent to urinate. I found an Internet cafe in front of me. I rushed in and shouted to the network administrator: Where is the toilet in your hut~?

15 Buy it in the cafeteria. During the meal, I saw the tofu skin that I had long loved. I excitedly told the waiter that I would like some potato skins, which shocked everyone around me.

16 Due to a business trip, I was going to the Bank of China somewhere. After repairing equipment, I got into a taxi from the hotel and said to the female driver: "Go to the Bank of China and find a hardware store to buy a knife." At that time, I meant to buy a screwdriver. I didn't notice that I said it wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said very aggrievedly: "Brother, I have to get off work. You can take a taxi again." I was very angry at that time and said viciously: "Why should you park your car in the hotel when you get off work?" ! ? The female driver looked at me and said, "Brother, I don't want the car money after buying the knife. You can find another car." I fainted!!! Only then did I realize that I was wrong, so I quickly explained for a long time. Now think about it. I feel sorry for the female driver.

17 The politics teacher once said during a lecture: "Let me give an example." Then he felt it was wrong and said again: "Give me an example."

18 Remember "Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty"

Zhang Qian came back from the Western Regions and brought new iron-making materials

He made a good sword and Liu Che brought it to Li Guang

Li Guang kept repeating:

Your Majesty, the sword is good (cheap), Your Majesty, the sword is good (cheap)...

Speechless... < /p>

19 is really a good donkey as a heart, liver and lungs

When I was in junior high school at 20, the teacher asked me to translate Whoisthisman?

A classmate translated: Whose man is this? Laugh, the teacher was speechless

21 The last time I went to McDonald's, I said to the salesperson: "Bring me a bag of potato chips." They said, "What kind of store doesn't even have potato chips?" After that, I turned around and left. . .

During the 22nd mid-term exam, the girl behind me had a pants-shaped pencil case on her desk. When I turned around, the pencil case fell off and I said, "MM, your pants have fallen off."

23 I remember meeting a dog on the road, and the girl next to me shouted in surprise: Oh, that tail doesn’t have a dog!

23 I remember going to buy toys when I was a kid! The round plastic bullets in the gun directly told the old man in the toy store: Buy a pack of original (round) bullets!

25 The classmate explained to me how to call a certain inquiry phone number.

I wanted to ask if the person who answered the phone was a real person or a voice, but the answer came: "Is the person who answered the phone alive or dead? ”

1 A colleague asked me: Is Clinton’s wife Chirac?

2 Once I borrowed money from someone, what I originally wanted to say was, “I will pay you back when I withdraw the money.” You"

Said "I will take it from you when I have the money."

Khan

3 A classmate named Yu Jingbo sent a letter one day. The dormitory guard was there. The door of the dormitory shouted: Gan Liangpi, Gan Liangpi’s letter!

4 Our Chinese teacher: Please turn the book to 120 yuan

The whole class was stunned, and then this teacher He was nicknamed "Money Fan" haha

5 One time, a friend was watching a CD at home, and the quality of the CD was poor. The friend said: "Why are there so many Marxists. "It took me a while to realize that he was talking about Masek!

6 When a buddy got married, I gave him a red envelope. He politely said no

I said: That's okay, just one year. Once, you must hold it

7 The character read "The White-Haired Girl" in junior high school

A boy (Yang Bailao): Pulled two kilograms of red hair rope and tied it up for my Xi'er. ...

Teacher: It’s not like mummies...

8 When I was getting rice, I pointed at the cauliflower persistently and said: Here are some potatoes.

Auntie asked: Cauliflower?

I continued to point to the cauliflower and said: Potatoes

The aunt asked again: Is it a potato or a cauliflower?

I said anxiously: This is not a potato...oh, cauliflower?

Now that I think about it, it’s enough to make me vomit blood. Sorry, the rice seller

9 When I went to buy pastries, I originally wanted to say, "Two pineapple pies and an egg tart." ", but it turned out to be "Here are two orioles singing egg towers"

What's even more depressing is that the shop owner actually understood...

10 In college, our class had A girl named Liu Yun. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. On the envelope, there is a horizontal line above the lower half of the word "Yun" in her character "Yun". Because the writing was too sloppy, the horizontal line turned into a dot. As a result, the classmate took the letter and shouted in our corridor, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? I have a letter from you." Everyone in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang (the gangster). As a result, the girl named Liu Yun was helplessly called a gangster for four years.

11 There was a time when there were rats in the house, so my mother bought rat medicine to keep the family peaceful, but not a single mouse was killed by the medicine. One morning, my mother got up early, looked at the rat medicine in the corner of the door, and said to herself, "Why is no one taking this medicine?" The whole family fainted. . .

12 The English teacher taught grammar and asked everyone before get out of class: "I have finished speaking, does anyone still understand?" We answered in unison: "No!"

13 Raise your glass to welcome the bright moon, bow your head and miss your hometown.

14 Once while playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so I had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, the heat became unbearable, and one person said: "Let's turn on the electric fan. It's so hot." Another person said: "Can't open it, it will blow out the candle."

15 As the saying goes: If you kill someone and set fire to it, you will pay back your debt.

16 In the physics class, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: Radioactive elements are very dangerous, and you humans must stay away from them! !

17 I vomited grape skins when I couldn’t eat grapes

18 I got a call at the company. It was from a clothing company. They kept saying that they had done unified work for a certain big company. Clothing and the like. I caught the other party talking and blurted out: "We don't wear uniforms in our company!"

The other party whispered for a few seconds and then said "Excuse me" and hung up.

19 Our university teacher: I am looking for three classmates, one male and one female...

The whole class began to look around, looking for Li Yuchun.

On the 20th, I was returning to the dormitory from self-study in the evening, and I met a fairy girl on the road, so I followed her

I always wanted to strike up a conversation, but had no courage to approach until the fairy girl was about to walk into the girls' building

Clenching his teeth, he stepped forward and asked the girl loudly: Classmate, are you a woman?

Later... later I enjoyed the supercilious looks of that fairy sister for two years

21 When Deng discussed the class, the teacher was very excited: How many heroic children are lingering underground...

The graduation project of 22 students is made of red cloth in the shape of a phoenix and sewn on a black robe-like garment.

The defending teacher asked: Why does the phoenix use red instead of other colors?

p>

When the classmate got excited, he blurted out: Because the Phoenix is ??burning with desire!! (I guess he meant to say that he was reborn from the ashes). Three seconds later, the classmate who came to watch the defense laughed wildly, and my stomach twisted with laughter!

23 When I was in junior high school, the teacher asked me to carry Mulan Ci (the teacher was more BT), and I was nervous

... When my brother heard that his sister came, he sharpened his knife and went to his parents (pig and sheep)... .....

The whole class burst into laughter, and I laughed too, but I forgot all about it later. Fortunately, the teacher didn’t punish me~~

24 Heaven, Earth, Dou E More unjust than me!

24 I bought WSJ for LP, but after looking at the store for a long time, I didn’t know what to buy, so I just took a pack and asked the store owner: "Boss, is this useful?" The boss (male) was dumbfounded. He looked at me blankly for 5 seconds and said, "I've never used this before!"

25 When I was a child, my father watched me write essays. There was a very simple word written wrong. My father smiled and said to my mother: "I found that your son is very stupid.

I was anxious and shouted to my dad: "Your son is stupid!" " -_-b

26 Soldiers come to cover the water with soil

27 My mother once went to the bank to pay the water bill. After paying the money, the person at the bank said: You are I don’t have enough money. There is a second page here, and I have to pay this one too.

My mother: What is the second page?

Staff: Sewage

Me. Mom: My family never drinks sewage.