Looking for text messages that can make people laugh~~~

There was a black man who found a magic lamp, and God promised to grant him three wishes. His first wish is: to have water to drink every day. The second wish: I hope I can become white. The third wish: I hope to see girls’ butts every day. With a bang, the black man turned into a toilet! !

When a certain school called roll call at the beginning of the semester, a class teacher came up with an original idea and said to the students: "I will read the student number. You can tell me your name so that everyone will know each other, okay?"

"No. 001" "Teacher, my surname is Jiao, and my name is Jiao Pei." The teacher was a little confused and asked: "Who got this for you?" "My dad" "What does your dad do?" "He opens a breeding pig factory. !”

“No. 002” A girl stood up and said, “Teacher, my surname is Zhang, and my name is Zhang Dekai.”

“No. 003,” “Teacher, I am Zhang Dekai’s twin. "Brother, my name is Zhang Bukai." "Who gave you this name?" "It's my dad. He sells pliers." The teacher quickly drank some water.

"No. 004" "Report to the teacher, my surname is Ou (the character is pronounced "Oh") and my name is Ou Ye. This is the name my mother gave me. She said she happened to have a baby when she gave birth to me. I played a computer game." The teacher's heart felt a little uncomfortable.

"No. 005" "Report to teacher, Mrs. The teacher took a pill

"No. 006" "Teacher, my surname is Gou, and my name is Goubuli" "Your father runs a bun shop, right?" "Teacher, you are so smart!" The teacher is already a little bit Unable to stand still.

"No. 007" "My surname is Kuai (quick, three times) and my name is Kuai Huo" "Don't tell me your dad runs a warehouse" "Teacher, you are so old-fashioned, my dad It's a pimp." Blood oozed from the corners of the teacher's mouth.

"No. 008" "Teacher, go to hell" "What? What did you say!" "I mean my surname is Ni, and my name is Ni going to the temple. My mother is a Buddhist. Is the name interesting?" "Interesting, interesting." The teacher almost burst into tears.

"No. 009" "Teacher, I will tell you next time." "Why tell me next time, you tell me now." "No. Teacher, my surname is Xia, my name is Xia Huishuo, my father is Talking about storytelling." The teacher was already feeling dizzy.

"No. 010" "Teacher, my surname is Gao, and my name is Gao Wan." "My surname is Yin, and my name is Yin Jing." "My surname is Mei, and my name is Mei Liang." "My surname is Wu, and my name is Wu Qing. "My surname is Mao, and my name is Mao Rongrong."......

The teacher looked up to the sky and roared: "Oh my god, what kind of students did I meet?" Spurting blood, falling to the ground and dying

When learning to drive, everyone experienced inhuman torture such as "rubbing" in the severe cold and heat for several months. Until the final road test, everyone was gearing up and extremely nervous. , facing the traffic policemen wearing official uniforms and big-brimmed hats is more like a mouse meeting a cat, so they often make mistakes because of excessive nervousness, and make a lot of jokes.

1. Before the road test, as usual, a candidate stands in front of the driver's seat and reports (example) before getting on the bus: "Report to the examiner, student Wang Fugui requests to get on the bus." The examiner should answer: "Permission to get on the bus." "In the end, an unfortunate girl said: "Report to the examiner, student XXX requested to have sex." Most of the small and big products are tested by the whole group of students and the instructor. At that time, everyone burst into laughter. What's even worse is that the examiner was amused and replied: "I'm allowed to go to bed. Which one do you think is suitable?"

2. After another candidate got into the car smoothly, he sat in the driver's seat and started the ignition and stepped on the accelerator. After checking the instruments, he said to the examiner:

"Report to the examiner, all instruments are normal, please take off." (This is a request. It is estimated that the candidate has had the ideal of becoming a pilot since he was a child) The examiner calmly listened after hearing this Answer: "Permitted to take off, pay attention to the high-voltage electricity ahead."

3. During the exam, the examiner will make some requirements for the candidates to do, such as turning left at the intersection ahead, pressing down the manhole cover, unilateral and bilateral, etc. . Candidates should answer: "I understand." They have confirmed that they understand the examiner's question.

A driving school in Beijing has a special roundabout called Wangba Island. As a result, an examiner said: "Turn left at the Tortoise Island ahead." The candidate replied: "I understand."

4. Finally, the exam was about to end, and the examiner said: "Stop the car ahead." Unexpectedly, the one in front of me Fire hydrant. The student was horrified and replied: "Report a fire hydrant, no parking ahead."

5. I remember the first time I learned to drive (it should have been to drive into the field, but it was too late that day, so I drove directly on the road) , a senior brother made a sharp turn and ended up in the opposite lane. A bus was coming from the opposite direction, and the driver immediately braked. The master also braked suddenly, and then cursed: "You think you are driving in Hong Kong!" ! ! ! The senior brothers sitting in the back almost fainted with laughter.

6. There is one more thing about getting started. A buddy said it out of nervousness: Everything looks normal, please get up. The examiner was delighted when he heard this: Are you still awake? Permission to get up!

7. The story of our driving school, the road test, the examiner said: Turn left at the roundabout ahead: The student said: Understand, turn left at the roundabout ahead. After turning around, the examiner said, get off the car, failed, the student did not Explanation, can you make it clear to me? The examiner said in a daze: Count how many times you turned around before you turned around~~

8. There was also a guy. After the exam, the examiner took his card away (actually, this means that Passed), the man refused to get out of the car and said to the examiner: "You haven't returned my card yet." The examiner ignored him at first, but he kept insisting and finally made the examiner angry and said: " If you want it, then give it back to you." So he suffered a big loss---he failed.

9. I heard an older generation tell a joke about when he was taking the driving test (ten years ago): At that time, everyone tried their best to please the examiner and used all kinds of tricks. One of them got into the car, and without starting the engine, he smiled silly at the examiner beside him. The examiner was frightened by the smile and asked him why he was smiling like a hugger. He said: I think you look like my third uncle...the examiner fainted

10. Another one got in the car and talked to the examiner first: "As soon as you sit next to me, I will If you're nervous, you won't be able to drive." The examiner rolled his eyes at him and said, "Don't be nervous, just drive well." Then the man started talking to himself: "Actually, I know there's no need to be nervous, I just can't control myself. . Just now I asked the students who just came down how to not be nervous.

They told me: Don’t think too much about anything when you get in the car. Just pretend that you are alone in the car, or that there is a dog sitting next to you..." The examiner fainted again~~~ Later it was said that their group Only he passed the exam

Please calm down, please read my suicide experience before deciding whether to commit suicide. In fact, suicide is also a very difficult thing. Do you know? Let’s use an analogy first. Well, I finally had the courage to commit suicide. But I found that I didn’t know how to commit suicide. So I started to think about it and started to list it. There are probably the following types: suicide by hanging, suicide by cutting the wrist, suicide by turning on the gas at home, and self-immolation. Jumping into the river, taking sleeping pills, I finally came up with these suicide methods, so I started to implement them. Well, I just hung myself. So I found a rope... It took a lot of time. I was so happy when I found it. But suddenly I found that there was no place to hang the rope... so I searched and searched again. I finally found it. As soon as the rope was hung up, I heard someone say, "Damn it, I'm too heavy. The rope broke." He committed suicide by hanging himself. He failed and started self-immolation. I spent money to buy a bottle of gasoline and poured it on myself. I wanted to light a fire but found that I couldn't even do it. I smelled it carefully... Damn it, where is the gasoline? It's tap water. It's a fake product. It failed, so I wanted to jump into the river. Not long after I jumped, I shouted for help. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to die. It was just that the river water was so smelly. I was so depressed that it would be a huge loss of face if I died. Oh... my hope lies in the sleeping pills. But unfortunately, I found that I didn't know where sleeping pills were sold... So I asked one by one and cheated one by one. After struggling until the flowers withered, I finally collected a large amount of sleeping pills... Well... finally It was about to be completed...but...hey...I thought the quantity was enough. But the quantity was just a little bit short. So...I was sent to the hospital for rescue...and had my stomach lavaged...I finally came to a conclusion. ..Suicide is so much harder than living!!!

Yesterday’s news: A nun was raped while walking in the park

Today’s news: Hundreds of nuns were walking in the park

I am the hoe, you are the noon

The penguin and the pig are both in the refrigerator

The penguin froze to death

Why not the pig? Die?

The little turtle saw a snail practicing long-distance running and asked: What are you doing, slowly? The snail: I am practicing long-distance running. The turtle said contemptuously: Come on, I will take you on the turtle's back. An earthworm saw the snail and said: Sit tight, you are going to die soon!

Joke: A man stalks two nuns

There are two nuns, one is called the Mathematical Nun, and the other is called Mathematical Nun. One is Sister Logic. It's almost dark now but they are still far away from the monastery.

Mathematics: Have you noticed that there is a man following us? Minutes and thirty seconds, I wonder what he wants to do?

Logic: It makes sense, he wants to violate us.

Math: Oh my God! , he will catch us within fifteen minutes, what should we do?

Logic: The only reasonable way is of course to go faster.

Mathematics: It seems useless!

Logic: Of course it didn’t work, the man walked faster and faster very reasonably.

Math: So what should we do? At this speed, he still has a minute to catch us.

Logic: The only reasonable way is for us to escape separately, go that way and I go this way. He can't catch both.

The man continued to stalk Sister Logic.

The Mathematical Sister arrived at the convent safely, but she was worried that something would happen to the Logic Sister, and then she saw the Logic Sister entering the door.

Mathematics: Sister Logic, you are finally back! Thank you Lord! Tell me quickly what happened?

Logic: The only logical thing that happened was that the man couldn't follow both, so he came after me.

Math: Right, but what happened next?

Logic: The only reasonable thing happened. I ran with all my strength, and he also pursued with all his strength.

Mathematics: What then?

Logic: The only logical thing happened, he caught me.

Math: OMG! What to do?

Logic: I did the only reasonable thing and pulled up my skirt.

Math: Oh my god, the logic nun! What about that man?

Logic: He did the only thing that made sense, he pulled his pants down.

Math: OMG! What happened next?

Logic: Isn’t it very reasonable, Sister Mathematics? A nun who pulls up her skirt must run much faster than a man who pulls his pants down!!!