"That day, my father asked me to borrow 20 yuan with red eyes."

When I was seven years old, my parents divorced and I followed my mother. Children from single-parent families have a compulsory lesson when they are young - listening to their parents say bad things about each other. I grew up hearing bad things about my dad. After the divorce, my mother, grandpa, and grandma took turns every day, whispering one thing in my ears - your dad is a scumbag.

Actually, they didn’t accuse my dad wrongly at all. He was a drug addict and lost all the family’s money. My mother and I were finally forced to leave because he sold the house and we didn’t even have a place to live. Many years later, I clearly remember the scene of my father taking drugs. It must have been when I was four or five years old. He was smoking with a group of people at home, and I was sitting next to him doing homework. One of them was holding something and was about to order it. Suddenly he saw me and said to my dad a little embarrassedly: "There are children at home!"

My dad said without raising his head: " It doesn’t matter, she’s used to it!”

After so many years, this image has been deeply imprinted in my mind. I still clearly remember his shameless expression at that time. He must have forgotten that he was the father of a child.

After my father sold his house, he planned to go to Hainan to start a business, but he lost all his money. Dad stayed in Hainan for five years. When he came back, he was extremely depressed and his whole person changed. Before he took drugs, our family was wealthy. He was used to living a pampered life. He would get rashes on his body if he didn't wear silk clothes, just like the Princess and the Pea. But when he came back from Hainan, he completely changed from a wealthy boss to a migrant worker. In fact, my father did work as a migrant worker in Hainan, going to construction sites to help others carry sand for twenty-five yuan a day. When I heard about these things, I was very sad. Although my mother had divorced him, it was not easy for me to take care of myself all by myself, and my father never cared about us. When I knew that he was not doing well, I still couldn't help feeling uncomfortable.

When something like this happens to his biological father, the child may not be happy, although he did hurt us.

Not many people can understand this kind of tangled relationship, at least not my mother. When it comes to my father, she always grits her teeth and wants to eat his flesh alive. At that time, my mother often forced me to go to my father to ask for living expenses. I knew he had no money and couldn't bear to ask for it, but he could save on everything else, but he had to pay the tuition. So before the start of each semester, I had a fierce battle - I went to my father with the payment notice, but I didn't get the money. When I got home, I was scolded by my mother. When I got the money, I felt even worse than being scolded.

So when I was a student, I was not afraid of exams or teachers, I was just afraid of paying tuition.

After my father returned to his hometown from Hainan, he rented a small shop and made a living by helping people repair appliances such as refrigerators and air conditioners. But slowly, electrical appliances began to be branded, with dedicated after-sales services, and it became increasingly difficult for my father to run his business. I remember one year during the Chinese New Year, I went to see him. Father and daughter only saw each other once or twice a year. When I was leaving that day, he suddenly asked me very embarrassedly if I could lend him twenty yuan. When I asked, I found out that he hadn't eaten in three days, and he didn't dare to go to relatives and friends' houses for meals, because according to our custom, if you go to a relative's house during the New Year, you have to give lucky money to the younger ones, and he didn't have a penny on him.

I don’t even remember how I got home that day, and I was so upset. The streets are all decorated with lanterns, and people are laughing. There are smiling children, smiling couples, and a smiling family of three. Everyone seems to be very happy, except for my father, who is alone. In that small shop, I couldn't even get enough to eat.

I really hate him. On days like this, what he gives me is not a reunion dinner for the whole family to eat together, but a feeling that I can’t even cry out, and I can’t let it go for a long time. It makes me feel sad and sad.

Dad has always been living in such poverty. Later, I rarely saw him once a year. I was studying in a foreign university, and I carried my suitcase to a foreign country alone. There was no one to pick me up and drop me off, so I did everything by myself. In fact, I can tolerate all of this. The only thing I can't stand is that whenever others ask about my father, I am always embarrassed and don't know how to answer.

During my sophomore year, my wallet was stolen. My ID card, bank card, and cash were all in the wallet, and they were all gone. At that time, my mother was abroad, and I had no choice but to call my father and ask him if he could send me 500 yuan for emergency help.

He hesitated for a moment on the phone and said to me, "Is it okay if I only have two hundred?" I agreed with him, hung up the phone, and didn't think much about it.

That night, at two o'clock in the morning, I suddenly received a text message from my father. It only had a few words:

"Daughter, I'm sorry, it's my father who is incompetent."

Only then did I realize that five hundred yuan was a large amount of money for him. He probably gave me all the only two hundred yuan he had. That day I lay on the bed in the dormitory, biting the quilt and cried until dawn. I didn't dare to cry out for fear of disturbing my roommates. In the end, I cried until I retched. It was the first time in my life that I cried like that. I told myself that no matter what I encounter outside in the future, I should never tell my father again. He can’t help me. If I tell him, it will only make him feel guilty.

He has been atoning for his sins over the years, using his miserable life to atone for his sins.

He never raised me, never gave me a complete and normal family, and never let me experience what fatherly love is. He ruined my childhood and to this day I can only cry when I remember my childhood. I had so many reasons to hate him, but at that moment, I decided to forgive him, because I finally knew that in his heart, he loved me, but he just didn't have the ability to give me anything.

If he had, he would be the best dad in the world.

I think of when I was very young, when my family was not separated. Every Friday, my father would push his bicycle to the kindergarten to pick me up. He tied a small wicker chair with red silk on the back seat, which was my VIP seat. In the envious eyes of his friends, he carried me into the car and we went home together.

That is the best memory of my childhood.

My biggest wish in this life is related to him. I hope that one day when I have a boyfriend, I can take him home to have a meal with my parents. The dinner table is full of home-cooked food by my mother. After the meal, my mother and I wash dishes in the kitchen, and my father and my boyfriend watch TV on the sofa. , chat...

This picture may be too common for many people, but I know that I will never have it in this life. But I still choose to forgive, because the road ahead is long and I have to live my own life.