Can anyone tell jokes? thank you ! !

A Polish woman complained that although she had a TV and a refrigerator, she had nothing to put in the refrigerator. It was suggested that:

"Why don't you put the TV in the refrigerator, then everything will be complete. 」

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A woman driving around Europe stood in front of a fallen stone pillar of a Greek monument and took a commemorative photo. "Never take a picture of a car."

She said loudly, "otherwise my husband will say that I knocked down the post." 」

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The thin caterpillar was found by the beautiful miss sparrow. She quickly begged, "Please don't eat me, I can tell you something about me."

Where my companions live, they are much fatter than me! Miss sparrow replied, "no, I'm losing weight." Say it. "

Eat the caterpillar in one bite.

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When the young man came home from work, he found his new wife worried. "I am useless," she said. "I just ironed it for you.

Put on a suit and burn a big hole in your pants. "Never mind," her husband comforted, "I have many such clothes.

I lost a pair of pants. ""Yes, "said the wife happily." Luckily, I repaired the burnt hole with those trousers.

Yes 」

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On a rainy day, a classmate asked my brother if he saw any girl walking on the road and asked him to use it with her.

Umbrella. When the younger brother asked him why, the classmate opened a colorful printed umbrella and said, "Then no one wants it."

I thought this umbrella was mine! 」

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hog

A naughty boy nicknamed a girl in his class "Fat Pig". The girl cried and complained to the teacher, who

Promise to criticize and educate that boy. The next day in class, the teacher spoke in class: one of our classmates is too lazy.

If you are polite, just give other students nicknames. You can't call them anything.

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road sign

A driver got lost in a foggy night, vaguely saw a road sign on the side of the road, and stopped his car. But fog

It's too big to read clearly. So I decided to climb up and have a look. I finally climbed to the top and finally saw it.

Clear the words above: wet paint.

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Memory deep

Mother and daughter went to visit their daughter's boyfriend's art exhibition. Mother found one of the nude portraits of her daughter, so she asked:

You didn't draw him naked, did you? Ah, no, the daughter replied. He drew it from memory.

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Noisy driving

Aunt of the neighborhood Committee: Son, what are you doing standing at the door in cold weather? Why don't you stay in the house?

Child: Dad, mom is fighting.

Aunt of the neighborhood Committee: What a shame! Who is your father?

Child: That's why they quarrel.

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Spring ploughing is busy!

At an educated youth point, a group of students from the Conservatory of Music jumped in line, usually not listening to strings. One day, the commune organized a propaganda team.

The poor peasants and middle peasants expressed their trust in the re-educated and sent them to perform on stage.

When the curtain fell, the heroic announcer said that the next program was the violin ensemble Beethoven missed the red sun. All the audience

The applause thundered. Beethoven misses the red sun and must be a proletarian revolutionary. The students of the Conservatory of Music have a panoramic view.

Play a piece of Lao Bei's Romance in F Major. Then, prepare to play Bizet's song of the matador. Announce a program/drama project on the stage

The clerk said: The next program, "Poor and middle peasants all over the world are busy with spring ploughing".

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birthday

Manager a and manager b are good friends. One day, they got together. Manager b saw manager a with a face of frustration and asked

What happened. Manager A sighed: "Yesterday was my birthday, and the female secretary invited me to her house for my birthday."

"Isn't that great?" "When I got to her house, she asked me to wait in the living room for a while, and then I went into the bedroom to find her in five minutes.

He said he would give me a surprise. ""wouldn't that be better? Birthday is far from peach blossom. " "That's what I thought.

Yes But five minutes later, I walked into the bedroom and found my secretary and other staff inside, holding birthday cakes and so on.

You're looking at me. ""that's not bad. Your employees love you very much. You should be happy. " "But I was.

I took off my clothes and went in. "

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boyfriend

Q: Why is it so difficult to find a kind and considerate boyfriend in America?

A: Because they all have boyfriends.

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Once, a poet and a general were guests at a banquet. The hostess tried her best to show off her interest in poetry.

How accomplished. She announced: My friend, a poet, will now write a sonnet for me and recite it on the spot.

Oh, no, the poet refused. Let the general fire!

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Mother mouse was striding along the kitchen floor with a group of little mice, when suddenly a cat jumped out. Cat meow: Meiyu!

Miwoo! Mother mouse also called back: Meiyu! Miwoo! The confused cat left, and the mother mouse treated her little mice.

Say: Look, am I right? I told you that it is always useful to learn one more foreign language.

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The psychologist asked the patient: Do you hear some voices, but you don't know who is talking or where the voices come from?

Coming?

be

When did this happen?

When I answered the phone,

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The window of an apartment reads: transfer the trumpet.

The window next door reads: Thank God.

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Mother mouse grabbed her son's hand and ran away from the evil cat that was chasing after her. As we approached the mouse hole, the evil cat was preparing.

Get ready to jump, and you win. At this critical moment, mother mouse turned around and cried, Wang Wang hates cats.

Cold, the mouse family will return to the cave safely at this moment! The frightened mother mouse earnestly told the mouse, now! you

Do you know the importance of foreign languages?

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key

It is said that during the Crusades, a soldier, Old Joe, took his wife away with the most popular chastity because he was afraid of her infidelity.

After being locked up, he was afraid of losing his key, so he gave it to his most trusted friend for safekeeping.

On the day of departure, the troops walked more than a mile, only to see his friend catch up from behind and ask breathlessly.

He: Old Joe, you must be joking! This key won't open at all?

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tariff

When a big fool entered a country, he brought a myna, and the customs official stopped him and said:

"sir! Do you have to pay taxes, too, Starling?

"How much should I pay? 』

"Live 50 yuan, if it is a specimen, as long as 15 yuan! 』

At this moment, I heard myna hoarsely calling:

"What a fool! Don't be stingy! 』

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Three wishes

Once upon a time, there was a man who was often beaten by his wife and was very afraid of her. One day, after being beaten by his wife, he ran very depressed.

Go out to play. Under normal circumstances, when he is in a particularly bad mood, God will be inspired by him and appear before him. Last/better/previous/last name

The emperor said, "I can give you three wishes, but your wife's wish will be twice as much as yours." So ...

Someone said, "I wish I had money." Suddenly there is a lot of money around, but it is relatively h.

Iswife has twice as much money as he does; Then he said his second wish: "I wish I had more money." this

At this time, more money appeared around him, but his wife appeared more and more money. Then God will.

He said, "You have another wish. Say it quickly! " The man thought and thought, and finally he was a little depressed.

God said, "Please kill me!" ! 」

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dad

A lonely pregnant woman fainted in front of a hospital and was rescued by a doctor. She is going to have a baby, but it is difficult to give birth.

The doctor gave birth to a baby boy for her, but her mother died. Before she died, she asked the doctor to help her child find one.

When the family adopted, the doctor thought about it and finally agreed.

At the same time, a priest came to the hospital for an unusual pulp removal operation because of stomach discomfort. The doctor lied to him that he was born.

After giving birth to the child, the priest said happily, this is really a gift from God. Then take the child back to raise; Once time passes,

It's been twenty years, and the baby has finally grown up. Father cure a disease is very sorry. He felt that he was dying, and he would put it away one day.

The child shouted to the bed and said, son! I'm dying. There is one thing you must know. Actually, I'm not the only thrill for you.

Dad … I'm your mother, and your real father is the priest in the parish next door …

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Man: I like you so much … I really like you … May I kiss you? .

Woman: shameless ...

Man: Then I'll kiss. ...

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It's close to 1 1 half past one, and a man and a woman hug each other tightly.

Five minutes later, four minutes left. .........................................................................................................................................................................

Separated, the boys got up the courage to say me loudly when the girls stepped into the dormitory. There are … three … words …

I didn't ... tell you ... that all the men and women who won the eighth hospital, the first hospital and the ninth hospital came out and were reluctant to part in front of the eighth hospital.

Couples, including the doorman, are waiting for the three most touching words in human history.

All the noise suddenly turned into silence. I saw the man loudly say that he should go to bed early.

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The reason for painting

By the lake, a painter was painting, and a man and a woman came behind him. They looked at it for a while, and finally the husband took it away.

He said to his wife in an irrefutable tone, "Look, honey, how miserable it is not to buy a camera!" "

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I see

A young couple went to see an art exhibition. My wife is highly myopic. She stood in front of a big painting and looked at the old man carefully.

God, and then shouted: "My God!" Why is this woman so ugly? ""honey, not big.

Surprised, "the husband quickly stepped forward and quietly told his wife," this is not a painting, it is a mirror. "

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Golden Gate Bridge

A man with his wife and father-in-law drove across the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. Just after crossing the bridge, the policeman stood on the side of the road.

And the mayor of San Francisco. The policeman said to him with a big smile: You are the fifth thousand since the completion of the Golden Gate Bridge.

For those who drive across the bridge, Mr. Mayor will give you $5,000 as disciplinary action.

Reading. That guy is happy from ear to ear. The policeman asked him, what are you doing with this five thousand dollars? This guy is busy.

I am too poor to get a driver's license, so the first thing to do is to get a license quickly. His wife is here.

While listening straight, he quickly told the police: don't listen to his nonsense, he talks nonsense when he is drunk! always

The old father-in-law who dozed off in the car woke up and saw the police. He was very angry and shouted, look, look,

I told you, this stolen car won't go far!

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Drunk people

A drunk got up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet and came back to wake his wife: "Hey, wake up, our house is haunted!" " "wife

Knowing that he was drunk last night, Zi said, "Don't be crazy again." . The drunk said, "Really! You see, I ...

As soon as the door is opened, the light will turn on automatically, and as soon as the door is closed, the light will go out by itself. This is not a ghost! "A wife.

I was so angry that I pointed to his nose and cursed: "You spilled urine in the refrigerator again!" "

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I made a joke.

I made a joke last Friday. I go shopping in London. I'm going to buy Christmas presents. I want to buy them for myself.

Find some books on specialized courses in universities (so I am a student). At noon that day, I took the early bus to London.

It didn't take long for me to buy everything I wanted. I don't like staying in London very much. It's too noisy and the traffic is too heavy. In addition, this is

I made arrangements for the evening, so I took a taxi to Waterloo Station. To tell the truth, I was sitting.

I can't afford a taxi, but I want to catch the 3: 30 train back that day. Unfortunately, I was caught in a traffic jam. When I get on the train.

No sooner had the train left than it stopped. I had to stay for an hour, waiting for the next bus. I bought a "flag" evening paper,

Stroll into the school/department of the station. At this time of day, the school/department is almost empty, so I ordered a cup of coffee.

There is also a packet of biscuits-chocolate biscuits. I like this kind of biscuit very much. There were many vacant seats, so I found a window seat.

Yes I sat down and began to do the crossword puzzle published in the newspaper. I think playing this game is very interesting.

A few minutes later, a man came over and sat opposite me. This man is nothing special except that he is very tall.

It can be said that he looks like a typical city businessman-wearing dark clothes and carrying a briefcase.

I didn't say anything. I continued to do my crossword puzzle. Suddenly he reached out and opened my bag of biscuits, holding a piece in his hand.

Dip it in coffee and put it in your mouth. I can't believe my eyes! I was too surprised to speak. no

But I didn't want to make a fuss, so I decided to ignore it. I always try to avoid getting into trouble. I only took one piece.

Cookie, keep playing my crossword puzzle.

When the man took the second biscuit, I didn't look up or say anything. I pretend to be particularly interested in games. A few minutes later, I

Inadvertently reached out and took the last biscuit and glanced at the man. He is staring at me. I'm a little

Nervously put the biscuit in his mouth and decided to leave. Just as I was about to stand up and go, the man suddenly put down his chair.

Push back, stand up and leave in a hurry. I'm relieved and I'm going to stay for two or three minutes. I finished my coffee,

Fold the newspaper and stand up. At this moment, I suddenly found my packet of biscuits on the table where I used to put the newspaper.

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plane

In a military exercise, a team was ordered to wait for the arrival of a helicopter at a designated place, but the plane always

Not yet. At this time, the captain saw an old woman growing vegetables in the field. So, he asked. In order to make the old lady understand, he

Aunt, have you seen an iron bird fly by? Aunt thought about it and said that the iron bird didn't see it, but the helicopter came to see it.

I have been there once.

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Seat belt

The stewardess announced to the passengers, "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts. The plane will take off soon. " The plane took off.

After the flight, the voice of the stewardess came from the loudspeaker. "Please fasten your seat belt. Sorry, today's breakfast, I

The children forgot to board the plane. "

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There is a taxi driver who drives very fast. The passengers in his car were afraid, so he told him to drive slowly. The driver said:

Come on! My eldest brother drives a taxi like this. He's been driving for more than ten years, and it's nothing … then a taxi follows.

The driver of the sports car stood up,

The passenger was very scared and asked him not to ride with others. The driver said, come on! This is how my eldest brother drives a taxi.

After driving for more than ten years, nothing happened. Later, the driver ran the red light again and again, and the passengers were afraid and asked not to run.

Running a red light again, the driver said, come on! This is how my eldest brother drives a taxi. He has been driving for more than ten years, which is nothing.

What happened ... suddenly, I came to a crossroads and the green light was in front of me. The driver suddenly stopped and twisted down, and the passenger.

Curious, I asked: Why stop now? The driver said awkwardly, no, I'm just scared.

My eldest brother ran a red light.

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Man: During the garden party, a drink called heartache was introduced at a booth. I only saw a man's desire for birds.

After wanting to give 50 yuan to the boss, the boss handed him a cup of boiled water …

Officer: I once ordered a tender kindness (120 yuan) at a garden party, and it turned out to be a small porcelain cup.

The word tenderness is written on the oolong tea cup …

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Clever parrot

A man bought a parrot and wanted it to learn civilized language, so he would say good morning when he passed it every morning. word

Said he was in a bad mood this morning and didn't say anything when he passed by. The bird stared at him coldly and said, Hey, how are you today?

What happened?

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Confident grandfather

When grandpa went to the toilet, there was an earthquake. He smiled when people dug him out of the ruins.

How thoughtful! The house fell down as soon as I pulled the toilet.

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A charming-looking woman was sitting in a bar, and a man came up and said, excuse me, is anyone there? Women's faces.

The table began to look puzzled. What, to the motel? The man repeated the question and the woman answered.

The same answer, the man felt very angry, but did not say anything, and returned to his position and sat down. soon

Son, the woman walked up to the man's desk and said, I'm sorry, I'm a psychology major, and people come across inexplicable answers when studying.

What was your face when you were in bed? The man asked loudly, what, a hundred dollars?

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A narrow-minded judge

Three prisoners sat in front of the squint judge.

The judge asked majestically, "What's your name, Bill?" The second prisoner answered honestly.

I didn't ask you! The judge growled. But I didn't say anything, the third prisoner replied indignantly.

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The same tone

After a few drinks, he walked behind a woman and took her arm: "Please dance." while

The woman turned around and he said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were my wife." "I feel sorry for her," said the woman.

Airway, "you are a typical incompetent husband." "That's strange," he said in surprise. "You even talked.

As angry as my wife. "

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swordsmanship

At the World Fencing Exhibition Conference, the third-ranked swordsman was the first to appear. The staff released a fly, and the swordsman moved quickly.

With a wave of his hand, he split the fly in half and the audience applauded. Then the second swordsman divided the fly into four parts. this

There was silence and people were waiting for the greatest swordsman in the world to perform. I saw him carrying a sword against the wind, and the blade went straight to the fly.

Cut it off, but the fly is still the same. The greatest swordsman missed the target at all, and the audience was stunned.

But the swordsman is still smiling. Someone shouted, "What are you proud of? You missed! " The swordsman replied:

"Look carefully, the fly is still alive, but it will never be a father."

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evidence

The lawyer questioned the traffic police: "Can a person kneeling in the middle of the road prove that he is drunk?" "Of course not,

Sir, "replied the traffic policeman," but this gentleman knelt in the middle of the road and drew a white line.

Roll up "

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Application performance

There was a long queue of applicants from the bodyguard company. Examiners are called special talents in order to select people who are satisfied with them as soon as possible.

Yes, come out and perform their unique skills. The people who came out performed boxing, Muay Thai, karate and China Kung Fu respectively.

There are also fencing, shooting and so on. It was the last turn, but he stood still. "What are you waiting for, sir?" The examiner asked.

"I'm sorry, everyone, I'm manipulating the atomic bomb." The man said.

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You should have told me earlier.

One day, a drunk walked out of Portman Hotel, got into a taxi and said to the driver, "Hilton Hotel, 8th floor, 8 18.

Room. On the way, the driver found that the drunk had stripped off his clothes one by one and said, "Sir, it's not your turn yet."

"Where is the room?" The drunk got angry. Why didn't you say so earlier? I just took off my shoes outside the door!

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Drunk people

One day, a drunk walked out of Portman Hotel, got into a taxi and said to the driver, "Get on Portman." fall asleep

Let's go The driver was shocked, woke up the drunk and said, "You are in Portman now." On hearing this, the drunk handed over the money to the company.

The machine said, "Keep the change." Before getting off the bus, he said to the driver with concern, "Don't drive too fast in the future, it's dangerous."

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deficit

I heard that the conditions in Siberia are good. Two Russian workers, Ivan and Bao Si, discussed going there as construction workers. worry

Liar, Ivan goes first, and Bao Si waits for his news before making a decision. Before leaving, they agreed that if the letter was written in blue ink,

Tell the truth; If you use red ink, don't take it for granted.

A month later, Ivan wrote a letter, and Beth was very happy because the letter was written in blue ink:

Dear Bao Si:

The situation here is good. Everything is available in the supermarket, including sausages, China meat and other kinds of meat. Every morning

There are fresh bread and milk, and clothes are very cheap, but only one is out of stock, and you can't buy red ink!

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The reason for being late

Jenny, who is often late, is late again today. However, Jenny's mother asked her to take a note to the manager.

It says, "Sorry, my daughter is often late." This is because there are three young girls in my family, but there is only one mirror.

noodle "

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vary from person to person

Frey showed his friend the golf equipment he just bought: "My wife and I have gained a little weight. The doctor said it was mainly exercise. "

The quantity is not enough, so I plan to join the golf club. ""What about your wife? ""I bought a lawn mower.

Give it to her. "

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The price fluctuation of cats.

In the market, a customer asked, "Hello! How much is this cat? "

"Sir, 100 francs."

"But yesterday you only wanted 20 francs."

"Because this morning it ate a parrot worth 80 francs from my family."

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It is too late.

I didn't know what real happiness was until I got married. But it's too late.

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confirm

At breakfast, Mr. Jenkins and his wife had a big fight about family chores. "You can't arrange.

Housework, never thinking of others. Besides, your performance in bed is terrible! "The husband taunted angrily.

With that, he angrily took his briefcase and went to work. At noon, Mr. Jenkins regretted that he should not talk about it.

Some words that hurt his wife. So he called home. But the bell kept ringing, but no one answered. as soon as...

Mr Jenkins was about to hang up when his wife picked up the receiver. "Why did you take so long to answer the phone?"

The husband asked. "I'm in bed," the wife replied lazily. "What are you doing in bed now?" The husband replied

Ask again and again "I'm verifying what you said this morning!" The wife replied.

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one-way street

One day, a gentleman was riding a motorcycle on the road and was suddenly stopped by the police. This gentleman is not nervous but very excited.

As his mind was full of papers, he handed them to the police as soon as the car stopped.

Sir: Driver's license, travel photos. ...

Policeman: Doubt? ... oh ...

Sir: Can we go now? ... being arrested is so cool.

Policeman: Sir … This is a one-way street …

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The fate of flies

There are three people: Americans, China, Jews … drinking together …

Suddenly, a fly flew into their drink.

The American called the waiter to come over and put on another drink.

Without further ado, China people drank the enterprise.

The Jew grabbed the fly and put it on the table, saying, spit it out, spit out the drink you drink. ...

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entrepreneur

A successful entrepreneur told his children:

A successful person should have two necessary conditions: honesty and wisdom.

Zi: What is honesty?

Father: Honesty means giving goods to customers today, knowing that they will go bankrupt tomorrow.

Zi: What is wisdom?

Father: Don't do such a stupid thing! ! !

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Are you blind?

A traffic accident happened in the downtown area, and two cars collided head-on.

One of the drivers shouted angrily, "Are you blind? 』

Unwilling to be humiliated, another driver retorted, "Who said that? Did I miss your face?

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The young man who just learned to ride a motorcycle accidentally hit an old woman while riding.

Young man: Grandma, I'm sorry! I'm not good at riding horses. ...

Grandma: I'm not good at riding. I can play so accurately!