Cold jokes and disgusting jokes

1. When I was a child, I ate dishonestly. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me, "Sixty years of hard work. I have no food, and I never spit out my nose. "

Second, there is a rich man looking for a servant. The topic of the interview is going to the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands. So the rich sent them away. Only one person washed his hands, so the rich man left him. But one day, the rich man found that he didn't wash his hands when he came out. The rich man asked him why. The servant replied, "I brought toilet paper today ..."

A man saw a big sale in a shop and went in. "What do you want?" "I want to buy dog food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a dog." "Where is such a rule?" "This is the case with goods on sale." The man has been grinding with the salesman for a long time, but the salesman still refuses to sell it to him. No way, the man had to go home and bring the dog before buying dog food. A few days later, the man went to this store to buy cat food. "Give me two boxes of cat food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a cat." It was the same shop assistant, and the man dawdled with her for a long time and finally had to go home and take the cat to buy cat food. A few days later, the man came to the shop with a big cardboard box with a hole in it and found the salesman. "What can I do for you?" "Just put your hand in and you'll know." The salesman put his hand in: "What is it? Very sticky. " "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

A man and a friend went to visit his grandmother. While he was talking to his grandmother, his friends began to eat peanuts on the coffee table and ate them all. When they left, his friend said to his grandmother, "Thank you for the peanuts." Grandma responded, "Oh! Hmm! Alas! Because all my teeth have fallen out, I can only suck out the chocolate. Old, cough. . .

Some people like the dish "spicy vermicelli pot" very much. Once, he went to a restaurant and ordered this dish again. But the waiter told him that the dish was sold out. "Is it really sold out?" He asked in disappointment. "Sir, really sold out. You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. " The waiter replied. According to the waiter's instructions, the man saw a very decent gentleman sitting next to him. The gentleman's food has been eaten almost, but the "spicy vermicelli pot" is still full. The man thought that a gentleman had wasted delicious food, so he went up to the gentleman and pointed to the "spicy vermicelli pot" and politely asked, "Do you want more, sir?" The gentleman shook his head gracefully. So the man immediately sat down, picked up the spoon and wolfed it down. After a while, he swallowed half. Suddenly, he found a little mouse lying at the bottom of the casserole with all its hair. A burst of nausea, the man spit all the fans he had eaten back into the casserole. When he had a stomachache there, the gentleman looked at him sympathetically and said, "It's disgusting, isn't it?" I am like this ... "

6. On this day, the hotel owner is patrolling the lobby. A beggar came forward and said, "Can the boss give me a toothpick?" The boss gave him one and sent it away. After a while, another beggar came to ask for a toothpick. The boss thought, why do beggars want toothpicks instead of rice now? I also gave him one to send away, not too old, and another beggar came. The boss said to him, "Are you here to get a toothpick, too?" The beggar said, "Someone threw up and I came late. The first two beggars ate everything they could, and now there is only soup left. " Can you give me a straw?

Seven, boss, the second flight, the second airsickness, vomiting. A bag is full, so the boss has to get it. When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting. The boss asked the reason, and the second said, "I think this bag is full, so I had to drink half a bag and throw up."

If you haven't spit it out, I have to admit that you are a master, so I will do my best-

One day, the eldest brother and the second brother went to the theater to see the play again. When they saw that they were in the middle of an argument about the plot development, they made a bet. The boss pointed to a row of spittoons in front of him and said, "The loser should take a sip of what's there." Unfortunately, the boss lost and took a sip with a frown. The two then bet on the following plot. This time, the second child lost. I saw the second child pick up the spittoon and drank fifteen gulps. Surprised and envious, the boss said to the second child, "You are so amazing that you can even drink fifteen mouthfuls!" " "The second one shook his head." No, I want to drink. The sputum in that spittoon is too thick. I really can't stop biting! " "

I have a friend named Cai Xiao. One day he was taken away.

The ancient poem actually predicted the top four super girls last year.

Rain knocks on dreams and sighs.

(Spring) Spring has come, and flowers bloom and fall.

I don't know if I'm dreaming or waking up.

(1) Laugh and sigh for a hundred years.

A person's life is a state of fatigue.

(Chang) Drink till your heart breaks.

(1) the emperor is not angry and arrogant.

(2) Why do you feel inferior?

Cool breeze is not intoxicating.

No one in the shadow doubts himself.

It should be a good time.

(3) Will heaven come back?

Why mourn when the old god is still alive?

(Clean) It's all caused by acacia.

I laughed at myself at the end of time.

(4) It seems to swim with the clouds.

A priest is playing golf and a nun is watching. The first shot missed. The priest scolded: "TMD, missed!" " Hit again, the priest scolded again: "TMD, missed again!" "The nun said," God will punish you for swearing as a priest. " As soon as the voice fell, I heard a thunder chop the nun to death. The priest wondered: Why am I the one who cursed? Why should I chop a nun to death? At this time, I only heard the voice of God from the sky: "TMD, I also missed!" " "

The head coaches of China, Japan and South Korea went to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would win the World Cup. God said: Korea needs 50 years. The Korean coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. God also said: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. China Coach quickly asked, What about us? God burst into tears: I'll never see it again.

1, the bowl fell off, and it was a big scar.

2, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

3, the tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ The whole class is cold!

5. Me: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

6. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"

7. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine.

8, buy oranges, boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

9. My friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

10, junior high school art evening, grab the answer session.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I finished, I began to raise my hand. "

Then he began to look at the topic and said, "Now. . . "

At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I' started' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you rob me? "

1 1, I heard a MM shouting "Give me a bowl of vipers ~!"

12. One day, when I was at school, there was a phone call for me. My classmate answered, handed it to me and said, "Your mother wants you."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said, "A man and a woman."

Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years.

13, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair. "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

14, once my classmate's mother called, I used to say "he's not here", but this time I want to say "he's out". The result was: "He ... left."

15, gg handed me an sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted "burn me!" "

16, went to Li Ning with my sister to buy shoes. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

17, once I patted my roommate's stomach, she said loudly, "Stop patting, I have urine in my stomach."

18, go home on weekends when I go to school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

19, a leader of the Education Bureau checked the exercises between classes. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

20. In high school, there was a teacher named Jiang, who looked very much like (Tang Priest on a Chinese Odyssey). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..."

2 1, a teacher probably played mahjong all night, and when he saw that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

22. When the teacher leaves homework, I copy others' if I can't do it, and then go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" "

23. On one occasion, when we traveled to Huangshan Mountain, the tour guide only introduced that the Hundred Steps Ladder was a scenic spot in Liu Xiaoqing. Suddenly, a member of our group blurted out: "Director …" Everyone fainted.

24. quarreled with mm mobile phone. She turned up the TV so loudly that I was annoyed and said loudly, "Turn off the phone for me!" " Now that I think about it,

25. A classmate from high school in my dormitory called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

26. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

27. In the past, we had a political economy teacher who was very fond of talking! I once talked about the strength of the dollar. He said, "Do you know why only the US dollar is called' Dollar', but you have never heard of it as' British Gold' or' French Gold'?"

28. During the military training in the university, the instructor shouted: Look at your side door ~ ~ ~ We want to laugh but dare not. It's pathetic. ....

29. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " I laughed until I got off ~!

30. I used to be crazy about online games, and I often killed myself in Internet cafes. After the semester, I went home with a group of friends, and the train was about to leave, but we haven't found the platform yet. I suddenly said, "MD, why isn't there even a coordinate here?" ~ "The elder brothers burst into laughter after hearing this ~ ~

3 1, when I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

32. A friend of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master: Hey, pull two bowls for Lamian Noodles's master and say: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

34. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. Seeing Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside, he went up and asked, "Wife ..."

35. One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

36. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

37. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Then I shouted with all my strength, "I won't marry (borrow) you." At this time, the students immediately calmed down.

38, a ktv, ordering songs, a mm shouted loudly: Give me a "double Jay" with a stick every week. ......

I spit on your face.

40. A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time, and she was very nervous. The teacher encouraged her for a long time, but her palms were still sweaty. Finally, it's her turn.

Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited is: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves are red) ..."

4 1, still a primary school student, was particularly envious when he saw the students who were assigned by the teacher to read the composition. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. The opportunity has finally come.

"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!

Pupils suddenly stood up "Teng": "My teacher". Teacher, I look like your mother ... "

42. This time I am an unskilled host of a song and dance troupe.

A performance that was caught up on stage without proper preparation.

The performance is in turn.

It was her turn to announce the curtain call: "Audience friends, please listen to Du Zi flute ..."

My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.

My sister saw it when she came home for the New Year and said happily to my mother, "Hey! Mom, it's too rough ... "

My mother and I both laughed.

44. There is a neighbor named "Auntie" who goes to work by bike every day.

I met her at the door early in the morning. I smiled and said politely, "Grandma, Daban ..."

Bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.

45. When I was a primary school student, I made a resolution at the general meeting of the whole school: "We should learn from the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army in climbing snow-capped mountains and crossing grasslands."

Since then, I have been deprived of the right to political speech for life!

46. When I was a child, my father told me that there was a text about Liu Hulan in the Chinese book. When Liu Hulan voluntarily admitted to the Japanese that she was trying to save the life of the whole village, an old man stepped forward to save her. The line is: "Xiao Xiangzi, are you crazy?" ! "But in the era of * *, a poor rural child read:" Little madman, do you smell good? "

47. In high school, the teacher asked me to read the text at the same table. This girl has always been famous for her vivid reading. That day, she also cadence to read the textbook:

..... He clung to the sentry in the snowstorm, clutching a steel gun in his hand ...

What we hear is that .....

..... He stood guard in the snowstorm, holding a pen tightly in his hand. ......

..... There was silence in the class, the teacher fell down with laughter, and then the classmates fell down. ....

48. All stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem. ...

I took my son to feed the ducks. He chased ducks everywhere while scattering bread crumbs. I chased him with his apple (he didn't like it, so I had to take a few bites when he was distracted). He kept running, and I kept calling him, "Come and eat an apple and chase ducks!" " I kept repeating this sentence, and finally shouted "Come and have a bite of duck …" and then skillfully stepped on the brakes.

50. I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it is said that the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in it. When one of my female classmates was reading aloud, she was also reading aloud: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain, and there was a rag hanging on the mountain. ...

The whole class was stunned.

5 1. There is also a passage from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the old owners (referring to the rich). As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: all the houses here belong to the master. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?

52. The most classic thing is to watch Tao tell an anecdote about his first time as a host. He never said that the opening ceremony was a curtain call ... What impressed me most was that he said that when he was hosting a party, he calmly walked up and said affectionately, "Friends, have you seen the Yellow River? Do you know it is our mother river ~ ~ "After introducing the Yellow River affectionately, he said," Let's listen to the song of the Yangtze River. "

Two ants were walking on the road when they suddenly saw a big pear. Type the country name.

An ant said, "Hey, big pear" (Italy)

Another ant said, "Oh, big pear" (Australia)

Hey, move it (Spain)

Try occasionally (Russia)

Housekeeping (Bulgaria)

Eat pears (Kenya)

Pear is not tender (Lebanon)

Dad, pear ~ ~ ~ (Paris) Hehe, those two ants are father and son.

Dad, take it? (Panama)

Ants are mother and son. The little ant said, Mom, come and eat (Malaysia).

The mother ant said: Son, that's Madrid (pear).

One of them saw it and shouted, what is this?

The other said, shh. . Pear (Syria)

Nuclear rot (Netherlands), you won't know until you eat it, * *

Bite down ... feet and rot (Finland)

A female ant climbed up a pear-Hungary (chest pressed pear)

An ant snatched it and said, This is my pear (Austria).

An ant bit a pear and its tooth fell out: shit (steel fruit)-Congo

Another bite of pear ~ ~ (impression)

The ant took a bite and found that the pear had gone bad, saying, whoops ~ ~ dry (Uganda)

A bug crawled out of a pear, and an ant said, Dad! Strangle him! (Palestine)

One ant said to another ant, Brother, this is a big pear! (Costa Rica)

One ant climbed onto the pear, and another ant cried, "Are you a pear?" (ni Zznja)

An ant took a bite, thought the pear was not crisp enough, and said, "It's flat." (Myanmar)

And pears! Hey! ? Luck (Iraq)

The ant's house is located in a tower. . . . . . . "Help me move the pears to the tower!" (Taliban)

An ant said to an ant, man, what's the matter? (Jerusalem), ant B said to ant A: dizzy, difficult! (Yunnan)

An ant climbed onto a pear, and the pear collapsed: "The pear is flat!" " ! -(Libya)

God saw that you were thirsty and created water;

God saw that you were hungry, so he created rice.

God saw that you had no lovely friends, so he created me.

At the same time, God found that there is no fool in this world and created you by the way.

Everyone praises you for being handsome,

Life is not bad,

Won the love of the people,

Who has such a bad conscience,

Since I'm going to betray you,

If you are really betrayed,

Who else does the puppy love?

The dive came true.

create/beget/fabricate (sth) out of nothing

Sesame is blown into beans.

Baby pigs blow into cows.

Braids blow into dragons.

A chicken coop was blown into a building.

Just blow it into a "black hat"

Who cares if the people are in trouble?

1) Miss explained to pol.ice that she didn't have maine: I just sold a two-yuan condom to 200 yuan, which is the most expensive. Policeman: What happened next? Miss said: teach him how to use the after-sales service.

2) After the performance, the leader took the beautiful Mongolian actress's hand on the stage and asked her name. The actress said excitedly, Maragabi.

3) At the birthday party, there was only a piece of cake with the word birthday written on it. The boy generously picked up the knife and split it in two. He gently said to the girl, "I am responsible for one day and you are responsible for your life, okay?"

4) Sense of life: When work and love are not satisfactory, you can take out your penis, stare at it and meditate on its spirit: it can be long or short, thick or thin, soft or hard, and learn from it. The immediate difficulty is a bird!

5) A kindergarten child was caught smoking in the toilet, and the teacher asked him why he smoked. He bowed his head and replied deeply: the motherland is not unified, and he is depressed!

6) The director danced with the beautiful virgin. The director was a little excited at the climax of the dance music and stood up below. Noticing this, the Virgin asked curiously, What's under you? Director: I'm the section chief. Virgo: I'm not a big official, but it's hard.

7) The female mayor and the male secretary * * * went to dinner together. When they were happy, the secretary said: Secretaries are usually mayors! The female mayor replied shrewdly: Yes, secretaries are generally born (promoted) by mayors!

8) Some people say that smart women can inspire men, beautiful women can confuse men, talented women can attract men, women with status can play with men, and women with everything can confuse a group of men!

There is a man and a woman crossing the bridge. On the bridge, a tiger glared, and the woman took off her clothes after a little thinking. The man also learned to undress, but was tackled by the tiger. Men don't understand? The tiger said, do you think you have a stick to beat Song Wu?

10) The teacher asked the students to make sentences with wrinkles. A student wrote: My father's eggs have many wrinkles. The teacher criticized the parents for not showing their children around. Parents explained that children were careless from childhood and wrote less "face"

1. A medium-rare steak met a medium-rare steak. Why don't they say hello?

Because they are not "familiar"

A long time ago, there was a bear in the South Pole. It does nothing all day, except plucking one, two and three hairs from its body. Finally, it pulled out all its hair, and finally it froze to death in ..........................................................!

There is a man and a woman crossing the bridge. A tiger stared at the bridge, and the woman took off her clothes after a little thought. The man also learned to undress, but was tackled by the tiger. Men don't understand? The tiger said, Do you think you have a stick that belongs to Song Wu?