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The coldest joke in history

A collection of the coldest jokes in history

● Rental prestige

The fox said to the tiger: "My king, last time you Lend me your prestige, and you will see that your prestige has not diminished, but has become more deeply rooted in the hearts of the people. ?

The tiger said to the fox: ?You are a smart man, and now it is a market economy. Next time I won’t lend you my prestige in vain; as for renting it out, you can consider it

●Lying will get you struck by lightning

Chat with your bestie.

She pointed her right index finger at the top of her head and said to me: "Xiao Dan, you have lost weight." ?

I’m so happy, my weight loss has finally paid off after one year. By the way, I asked her why she was raising her fingers so high.

She said: "Put a lightning rod on your head. If you lie, you will be struck by lightning." ?

●Yuanfang, what do you think about plastic surgery

Yuanfang, what do you think about plastic surgery?

Sir, plastic surgery is a private matter. Women For the sake of pleasing one's appearance, you and I are both men, so we can just sit back and enjoy the success.

●You are so enthusiastic

Before I pay for something, I never forget to ask: Is it really sold at a loss? Boss: Absolutely at a loss! Sell one Lose one piece? Me: "Brother, it's really not easy for you, so I still won't buy it."

●The petition

Bao Zheng: Where is the petition today?

Gongsun Ce: The students wrapped it in garbage and threw it away~~

Bao Zheng: Mr. Gongsun, I haven’t looked at it yet, how can you throw it away?

Gongsun Ce: What’s so interesting about this? It’s all filled with bone residue and banana peels~~

●Believe in love

Never mind what happens to Ling Xiaosu and Yao Chen, never mind what happens to Liu Ye and Xie Na, never mind what happens to Nicholas Tse and Cecilia Cheung!!! As long as your mother and your father are together, you Grandma is with your master, your grandpa is with your grandma, your aunt is with your uncle, your uncle is with your aunt, your uncle is with your sister, your uncle is with your aunt, you fucking You have to believe in love!!

● I slept in the same room with the goddess last night

A buddy told me: I slept in the same room with the goddess last night. Although it was a double bed, we were in the same room. I didn't do anything at night. I feel that sometimes there are things that I don't dare to do, but I just don't want to do them!? I said with special contempt: You are on a train with bunk beds, and I am among you, how dare you say that?

●Don’t accept anything delivered to your door

When I was in school, I went to see a movie with a classmate one night, and we watched it at eleven o’clock. She couldn't go back to the dormitory. I smiled sinisterly and said to her: Haha, I can't go back to the dormitory. She lowered her head and said shyly: Yes. Then I laughed even more happily: I can go back, haha?

Brother ran fast

The two of them were walking at night and came to a relatively dark path. The woman deliberately followed that The man acted coquettishly and said: "Is there going to be a bad guy? I'm afraid!" The man immediately puffed up his chest and said: "Don't be afraid, brother is here." The woman said: "Brother, what are your abilities?" The guy said: "Brother, you run fast." ?

●Then he had a wrong thought

One day, after a thief broke into the house and stole the money, he found that the hostess was sound asleep, so he had wrong thoughts, so he quietly tore it off. She took off her clothes, turned on the electric fan...

●She is a disabled person

I remember when I was a child, I had an argument with a little girl in the kindergarten, and she couldn't surpass me. She was so angry that she took off her pants. From then on, I gave in to her everywhere because I always thought she was a disabled person...

●I am still very confident

Son I failed in the high school entrance examination and was scolded by my wife. I went to comfort my son: "You have to study hard and you must surpass your father in the future." The son was stunned for a moment and said weakly: "I can't guarantee anything else." However, you are pretty sure to find a wife who is better than you in the future.

●I heard that you were transferred.

A: I heard that you were transferred and promoted, right? B: Yes, you were promoted. Before, I only looked after a small office, but now I am assigned to the main gate to look after the entire company.

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10 . 2014 Funny Jokes

●Grandma Rong

Today I passed a shop called "Grandma Rong". Out of curiosity, I went into the store and took a look. The owner greeted me enthusiastically and asked: "Young man, are you here for acupuncture?"

●It is certainly not expensive if it is expensive

A few days ago Traveling to Tibet, on the way to Mount Everest, a woman in the car bought a dzi bead for 50 yuan and asked the tour guide to identify the authenticity. Is it expensive? The tour guide said: I can't guarantee the authenticity. It’s definitely not expensive. The transportation here is so inconvenient. The shipping fee from Yiwu to here costs about 30 yuan!

●My brain is short-circuited

I am lying in bed playing with my mobile phone today. , suddenly my hand shook and the phone fell down. I was clever and rolled to the side in an instant. Hehe, it was not hit. The phone lay quietly on the bed, and I lay on the ground in pain.

● I have children at home

My daughter caught a cold and went to the hospital to get some medicine. When I was taking the medicine, my daughter cried and said to me, "Dad, only now do I know, "Every grain of medicine is hard." What does it mean? Dizzy~~

●You are indeed rich

A group of sisters are chatting, how can you prove in one sentence that you are rich? Nan Nan: I help the elderly on the street every day. Jiaojiao: I watched Xinwen Lianbo using 4G. Meier: I bet on the national football team to win every time. Xiaoyao: My aunt’s scarves are all encrusted with diamonds.

●Hand over all the money

In the music class, the teacher said: What is high-profile? What is low-key? Xiao Wu deserted, and the teacher caught him and asked him: He hesitated After a while, he replied: "That's easy to say. You see, I'm also taking away your money." Thieves are low-key and silent. But the robber kept a high profile: He threatened loudly: Robbery! Hand over all the money! After hearing this, the teacher was so angry that he was half dead, and the students laughed.

●I have a friend who is very vindictive

I have a friend who is very vindictive. Two days ago, I bought fruit at the fruit stall at the intersection of his house, and was deceived by the evil boss using his scale. However, I didn't notice it at the time, so I went back to find someone else who refused to admit it. After two days of planning, I actually found the person in charge of the urban management in the county and offered him a bath, a meal, a massage, and a massage! The fruit stand was completely destroyed the next day. , and then my friend set up a fruit stall there.

●Early in the morning

As soon as I got up and saw my daughter sitting at the coffee table eating, I asked: What are you eating so early in the morning? My daughter responded: Where are the jujubes?

●Master, please turn on the air conditioner

There is no air conditioner on the bus. A fat man shouted: Master, turn on the air conditioner! It's getting hot. ?The driver returned leisurely: ?Bajie, stop making trouble, the air conditioner is broken!?

●Everyone, please hold on steady

As soon as I got on the bus today, the driver said: All the passengers on board said in shock: "It's too hot today, I feel bad, please hold on steady." ?

●The weather was too hot and the feces melted

Xiao Wang had diarrhea for more than a month and had to go to the hospital for treatment. After reading the test report, the doctor calmly said: "You didn't Sick, it’s too hot, shit melts.

●Leaving my hometown

When I left my hometown, the people in the village never had a drink of well water.

●Happy Birthday

It’s past twelve o’clock and no one has wished me a happy birthday. Maybe it’s because... today is not my birthday.

●Drag me into the sea

You were the one who wanted to jump into the sea, so just jump into the sea! Now you have to swim up again and drag me into the sea! Fortunately, I reacted quickly and pulled me into the sea. Kick me into the sea and let you know how powerful I am!

●Do you know which country Voltaire is from?

Female: Do you know which country Voltaire is from? ?Male: Chinese. Woman: Why are you so sure? Man: Isn’t Voltaire Falcon’s younger brother? Woman:?

●●A makeshift fight

Around 6:20 in the morning, I was there I picked up 90,000 yuan while I was waiting for the bus downstairs. In the spirit of finding money without hesitation, I really wanted to return it to the owner. Now I have been standing there waiting. More than ten hours have passed and the owner has not come yet. Now I am trying to find the owner through various means! Please inform each other and help forward the information to find the owner as quickly as possible! I am very worried. How can you play mahjong if you only have one less than 90,000 yuan?

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10. 2014 Funny Jokes

●I really have no money

Someone is eating Malatang, Maybe you are celebrating the renovation of the villa; some people still use iPhone 4, but they bought hundreds of thousands of pianos. Don’t use your values ????to measure other people’s strength. Maybe others are not interested in something that you think is awesome. For example, I am dressed in drippings. Damn, old Beijing cloth shoes cost tens of yuan a pair, and the total cost for the whole body is only 200 yuan. Then do you think I have no money? Yes, you guessed it right, I really have no money.

●Your judgment is right.

When you feel that you are ugly, poor, and worthless, don’t despair, because at least your judgment is still right.

●He has not been added to my WeChat account yet

I want to tell some people: Don’t think that if you are rich and handsome, your life will be smooth sailing and there will be no regrets! Daniel Wu is handsome, right? You must be rich, but he hasn’t added me to WeChat yet.

●This is true love

One day the Big Big Wolf made the beautiful sheep grow bigger. When the red wolf knew about this, he beat the gray wolf violently. The gray wolf cried and said, "Honey, I just want you to eat a few more sheep." ?TM This is true love!

●Why did you leave your last company?

I went to a company for an interview in the morning, and the manager asked me: ?Why did I leave my last company? I said: ?People go to higher places, and water flows to lower places. ?The manager said: ?Yes, you are very discerning. ?I said: ?They say I am a parallel importer, so I will be transferred to your company. ?

●You close the curtains

A man went to find the master. Man: Master, I am gay, what should I do? I saw the master pointing out the window.

Man: Master means don’t care what people outside think, right? Master: No, I mean to tell you to close the curtains!

●Passenger, why don’t you speak?

In the Buddhist hall, the master is speaking to his disciples: The name that the master has given you is not casual, but the name that the master has for you. Do you understand? All the disciples answered that they understand, only One of the disciples was silent. When the master saw this, he asked the disciple: Yuanji, why didn’t you speak?

●I just treated it as exercise

Today I helped the old lady I carried a bag of rice up to the 7th floor. When I arrived at his house, I found his 18-year-old grandson happily watching TV. Without thinking, I carried the rice and put it downstairs for Nima to watch! I felt like this If you are a breeder, you have to carry it yourself.

●Poor Pisces

The cannibal patriarch asked his son: "Er, what do you want to eat for your birthday today?" The son licked his lips and said: "Daddy, I want to Eat fish!? The patriarch nodded lovingly, turned around and told his attendants to cook all the Pisces among the captured tourists.

●Books on parenting

One day Zhu Bajie went to the bookstore to buy books and told the clerk to give him a book on parenting, so the clerk gave him a guide to raising pigs!

●A super power

I have always imagined that like the superheroes in American blockbusters, I would experience an accident and gain a super power. Just last year, I experienced an accident and my leg was broken by a car. But I feel that I am not at a loss because I have gained a super power. Now my legs hurt when it rains. It is always accurate.

●I have obsessive-compulsive disorder

I went to the orthopedics department for a broken finger. Doctor: How did you break your finger? I said: I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Doctor: What does your broken finger have to do with obsessive-compulsive disorder? I said: Nine of the ten fingers make noise, but it doesn’t. ?

●If it were later, there would be no space in the morgue.

Go to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor took the test sheet and said it was a blessing that you came in time. I breathed a long sigh of relief, and the doctor said with concern, "If it's later, there won't be room in the morgue." ?